


What is Freedom?

by TheHeartOfStories



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Adoption, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, LeviHan Week, Loss of Virginity, Recovery, Rivetra Week, Romance, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:55:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 48,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22670590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheHeartOfStories/pseuds/TheHeartOfStories
Summary: After reeling from his fiancee's murder at the hands of the Female Titan, Corporal Levi Ackerman undergoes a journey of self-rediscovery in order to become the man humanity needs to free them from the cattle-like captivity found within the faltering safety of the Walls. He finds himself navigating through the haunting labyrinth that is Section Commander Hanji Zoe, who unwittingly reawakens long-buried feelings within him.Feel free to talk to me on Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/theheartofstoriesPlease check out my Spotify Playlist for this fanfic: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/57v6tMI264LGGRqXHmbgzeIf that link doesn't work for whatever reason, you can find it by searching for, "What is Freedom?" in the Spotify search bar.
Relationships: Hange Zoë/Levi
Comments: 30
Kudos: 89





	1. The Death of Petra

_**Levi** _

_**Early June** _

Hints of purple shimmered where the sun kissed the blood that painted the summer trees surrounding me and my fallen comrades like a sunken winter sunset. As I came to the clearing of demolished trees and churned earth, I saw the mutilated corpses of my friends, of the men and women who became my family over the few short years we were together. I saw their mangled bodies, but continued onward because they made no sound. No life rang out through their bodies, like their laughter had only moments ago. No life would ring out through them again.

The world around me was silent.

But I heard her; the hush of my bitter song bird's weeping.

The fire of her hair frosted the ground around her, some glossed with her crimson life-blood. Her titanium 3DM gear, shattered like glass, glittered around us, reflecting spots of the sun up to the shivering leaves. No mice scurried below the trees. The air hummed with the growing buzz of the flies that gathered to get their fill of death. The dancing wind was caressed by the sour weeping of my song bird as she mourned her broken wings, her forever flightless body.

I stood behind her, immobilized like cold marble, unable to save her. I knew by how she was smashed against the dragon-scale bark of the oak tree, with her head too far bent back, that it was a miracle she was not yet dead.

She would die soon, and I could not save her.

"Petra," I breathed as my heart tore through the bones of my chest with acid claws. Her body began to shake with sobs, her short hair dancing behind her.

"Levi," she cried in shame as I dropped to my knees behind her.

"I can't feel my body! I can't move!"

Tears spilled down her face. I could hear her choke on her bones, her blood. I paused, unable to breathe as I felt my heart begin to suffocate with her.

"Petra," I whispered, "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry."

Of course.

Of course, of all the people I could save, of all the people I had saved, I couldn't save my team again.

Within the depths of my darkest memories, I heard the violent screams tear through Isabel’s throat. I heard her wail out my name, desperate for my unfaltering hand to tear her out of that titan’s mouth before its putrid teeth sunk through her body.

“Levi!” Isabel called out to the vast emptiness of the world beyond the walls.

Then the silence, softened by the delicate rain, echoed through my mind. It haunted my dreams.

“Levi,” Petra whimpered.

I could not save her.

Petra began to quiet down as she realized what I meant. She would die that day in her own humiliation and regret. I could not play God or fix the faults of devils. "

It's okay, Levi. It's not your fault." She began to settle. I tasted salt on my lips, and gently touched my face to feel cold tears stain my ashen cheeks.

I could see the life fleeting from my Petra as her movements became sharp but not graceful, harsh but not angry. I knew she would die soon, so I reached for my love to peel her crushed body from the tree.

"My darling, you promise me you can't feel anything?" I cooed to her.

"Not a thing," She smiled.

I knew she lied, but I needed her in my arms one more moment while breath still filled her punctured lungs and her crushed heart still filtered blood through her opened veins.

I reached for her. Gingerly taking her thin shoulders in my strong hands, I pulled her to my chest. She cried out as bark broke off to cling to her torn flesh and broken bones, but her head stayed still as she muffled her crying with sealed lips. A hysterical sob escaped from my quivering lips. I felt her wet blood and hard skin begin to cool as Death eagerly awaited to kiss the life from her fair rose lips. I cradled her in my arms, and her fading meadow-green eyes met the cold steel of mine for a final time.

Pathetically, I smiled at her, my face splotchy with anger and fear and sorrow. She smiled up at me with the brilliance of the hidden yet ever- twinkling stars above our bowed heads. I touched her face, caressed her cold cheek with my thumb. She sighed into my hand.

"Being in your arms, I feel at home. Not the pen of the Walls, but..." She smiled again as her words trailed off, and I smiled too, intoxicated by her beauty even sodden with Death. "It is the freedom I have found while encircled by your arms that feels like home.”

"Petra..." She understood the unspoken words within me meant only for her, and it was our innate ability to understand each other within the pitch of silence that allowed us to move as one all this time.

"I promised you I'd follow you to the end, and look where we are now,” she breathed.

"I have loved you,” my voice broke, “since I first saw you,"

"I always wanted to serve under you, Corporal." She broke my heart, but I didn't let her see it.

Suddenly her doll face contorted with bitter anguish, and she began to cry again.

"Petra-"

"I can't move my body! I can't feel you touching me, but I can feel the ground beneath my hand." I looked down and saw her delicate fingers in the grass. I took her hand and cupped it to my face.

Could she feel the sorrow seep through my tear-stained flesh?

Cold on my cheek, I felt the precious stone of my gift to her, my love for her, smartingly claim her finger to me.

"I never take it off," she whispered to me, like two lovers in the dark. "Levi..." Her voice trailed off again.

I bent over, and kissed her lips. She tasted of dirt and blood and cold rain. I drank her final warm breath. I felt myself die with her. 

No song bird sang, not even my forever flightless songbird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back in 2014, I posted a story with a similar premise on Wattpad, titled "A Songbird's Wings of Freedom". I completed it but then didn't look at it again for ages. In December 2019, I decided to take a look at it again, only to discover it had become quite popular on that site. Rereading my old writing, as poor as it was, really motivated me to actually pick up writing again. Since I hadn't written creatively for years at that point, I thought it would be helpful to start by editing an old piece of writing, & I chose this piece. However, after editing the first chapter -- which is this chapter -- I realized I had too much work cut out for me, & I really didn't like how it ended much. Instead, I scrapped the editing project, reworked the plot, & mapped out new chapters. THIS, "What is Freedom?", is the new story, which means that the following chapters will have a bit of a different writing style in comparison to this first chapter. I'd like to think they're a bit more refined than this. Also, since it is more of a side project, the updates may come out a bit slower than the other stories I currently have posted. But still, if you stick along for the journey, you won't be disappointed!


	2. Intrinsic Desiderium

**Desiderium: an ardent desire or longing, especially a feeling of loss or grief for something lost.**

**_Levi_ **

**_Early June the same day_ **

Our lips parted, but I kept my face close to hers, my eyes still closed.

I breathed. 

Delicately, my nose traced up the broken bridge of hers, and I rested my lips against the coolness of her forehead. I lifted my bowed head, and I realized I still clutched her dead hand against my splotchy cheek. Her ring scraped against my palm as I let her hand drop to the trampled grass. 

I breathed. 

A warm breeze flittered through the trees, their leaves _whooshing_ high above our heads. A few yellowed ones lazily danced to the ground around us. 

I opened my eyes to look upon the woman still tenderly held within my embrace. My fingers numbly found hers against the churned earth, and I struggled to twist her engagement ring from her slender finger. When it came free, I held it before me, and reflected sunlight from her shattered 3DM gear glittered against the precious stone. 

As I fingered the untarnished gold band, my promise to Petra echoed within my mind. 

_“Petra,” my voice proclaimed with vigor to her as our eyes met, “with this ring, it is my vow to you that we will survive to see the day we can start our new life together, not within the pen of the Walls, but within the freedom of the outside world.”_

_She could not help the smile painted on her pleasant face as she gave me her left hand. I slipped the ring onto her delicate finger, and for a moment, we let the pregnant silence settle between us. Color flushed my cheeks in my vulnerability, my smile matching her beam._

_“Oh, Levi,” she laughed --_

Nearby, Eren’s unmistakable titan scream traveled through the woods, bringing my mind back to the mission at hand. 

I broke my vow to her.

In a swift movement, I shoved Petra’s ring into my left breast pocket, where it would remain close to my heart. I spared another look into the lightless meadow of her eyes before my hand closed her lids, my fingertips tracing her copper lashes for one last moment. I laid her against the earth to rest. 

Eren roared again, the brutal rawness of it giving voice to the seething rage that tore to the surface of my being. I shot my grappling hook high up into the trunk of a nearby tree in his direction, and, as the metal wire pulled me into the unforgiving sky, I tore my gaze from Petra’s bloodied face.

That was the last time I ever saw her. 

*******

The few remaining soldiers who comprised the Scout Regiment returned to Wall Rose in bitter humiliation over our quick defeat at the hands of the elusive Female Titan. As we rode through the streets with our wounded laid up in splintered hand wagons, we were unable to meet the eyes of our jeering fellow man who we willingly laid down our lives for in the hope of paving a freedom-filled future for their children and their children’s children. I kept the unforgiving steel of my eyes low, clicking my tongue in disgust over my blood-stained hands as they gripped the frayed reigns of my buckskin horse with white knuckles. 

My mind wandered back to my stolen moment with Petra. 

_“Oh, Levi,” Petra laughed, my thumb rubbing the top of her hand as my smile grew._

_We closed what little space there was between us, and she rested her head against my chest as our fingers intertwined. My other hand fell to the small of her back as I gently swayed us back and forth to the hush of a song only we heard; we danced to the drum of our hearts. She followed my lead intrinsically. I rested my cheek on the top of her copper hair while we slowly waltzed in a quiet courtyard within Wall Rose._

_She came to a stop to peer up at me, and she breathed, “I don’t even want to think about what my life would be like without you in it --”_

“ -- Sir!” Moblit’s salute ripped me from my memories, and my eyes flicked with malice down to where he stood beside my halted horse. He went at ease when I solemnly nodded in acknowledgement of him.

A cobbled bridge crested the babbling river behind us. Laid before me were the Scouts dismounting from their horses, the worn steel soles of their leather boots clacking against the stone of the military bulwark courtyard entrance. Some of them were newly-made veterans, fresh from the battlefield of what was once many of their hometowns, and they unpacked their expedition gear in a black silence, one that can only ever be felt by the men and women -- now true soldiers -- who had been swallowed whole by the trauma of seeing their comrades give their lives to the cause of a civilization on the brink of extinction. 

“Please allow me to tend to Jezebel for you,” Moblit proposed as he stroked the brown smoothness beneath my horse’s marble eyes. 

I agreed by swinging my leg over the aged saddle in swift dismount. Gingerly testing my weight on my injured leg, I limped through the entrance of the grand mahogany doors of the military bulwark. 

Before the fall of Wall Maria five years earlier, this extravagant military compound housed honorary squads of high-ranking Military Police who were assigned to accompany their branch’s officers during their private strategic meetings with the other officers of the Garrison Regiment and the Scouts. When the remnants of Wall Maria’s aforementioned military personnel and the petrified civilians were herded into the precarious safety of Wall Rose, the Military Police were indignant when ordered to surrender their glorified vacation palace to the so-called “degenerates” of the Scouts. The arrogant protesters of the arrangements were quickly silenced when Commander of the Scouts, Erwin Smith, turned his piercing glare to their cowardly faces at the courthouse that day.

Swiftly, I made my way down the over-elaborate halls. The floor length vermilion drapes were drawn to let the fading afternoon light in, and, as the sunlight filtered through the tall arched windows, with their delicate stained glass tops, vibrant colors graced the grey stone walls and intricately woven gold and rufous carpets. I reached the ornately carved wooden door at the end of the long hallway, and I pushed its black wrought iron handle to open it. The spiral staircase was unforgivably cold as I fumbled up the steep stone steps with my aching ankle, and I huffed my way to the third floor where my private living quarters were located. 

When at last I reached the hall leading to my quarters, I braced myself against the wall for support as I pressed forward, sweat beginning to bead on my forehead and my breathing heavy from the physical exertion of riding through titan territory at the ass crack of this morning’s red dawn, my battle with an unprecedented new foe where my ankle snapped because of Mikasa Ackerman’s idiotic and emotionally-driven outburst against my direct orders, and then my recent trudge up damned stairs with the inconvenient injury; I was exhausted.

As I approached the plain door of my living quarters, I dug around the inside of my left boot for my brass room key, ignoring the rising waves of disgust over my sweat-drenched pant leg and grotesque sock. After fiddling with the lock and key briefly, the door creaked open as I pushed it. 

The east facing front room was dark as I sauntered inside in search of my battered tin of matches that rested on the coffee table. The match hissed alight with a quick strike, and I lit the melted remnants of my white candle. The smell of lavender traveled through the small quarters as I fell back onto the pull out couch, gingerly kicking up my injured leg onto the edge of the coffee table before me. I carefully removed my boot and tattered sock. I rolled up my pant leg to inspect the damage. 

The outer side of my ankle had already begun to bruise purple with deep-rooted redness shooting up the side of my calf a few inches from the darkest part of where the bone had snapped internally. My fingers prodded around the inner side of my ankle, the top and underside of my foot, and up my calf to inspect the extent of the injury. The skin that covered the worst part of the break was tender to the touch, and the surrounding muscles were painfully sore as they stretched away from the bone. I dropped my hands in frustration as I slumped into the scratchy couch cushions, the back of my head resting against the top edge of the couch as I looked up at the exposed beams in the ceiling. 

With the ever-growing threat of unknown titan shifter enemies looming over humanity’s uncertain future, this damned broken ankle truly came at the worst time. 

With trembling fingers, I pulled out Petra’s ring from my breast pocket. When I had plucked it from Petra’s finger, it had been cool to the touch, but now the metal was warm since it had remained so close to my living flesh. I placed it on the coffee table. 

My aching muscles protested my movement as I began to remove my soiled 3DM gear and the outer layers of my uniform; I had wasted enough time wallowing over my ankle when more pressing matters needed my attention. I carefully unassembled my 3DM gear and set it with the belts on the coffee table so it would be ready for a thorough cleaning when I returned from my pressing matter later in the evening. I stood up to throw my uniform in the wooden hamper beside the fireplace, and, as the clothes sloppily hit the hamper’s lip, I noticed a folded letter resting on the stone before the fireplace. 

The pit of my stomach dropped at the sight of the all too familiar scrawling ink on the paper. 

_We huddled together in front of the crackling fire, resting on the warm stone laid out before it with our backs towards the flames. Our shadows were interrupted by my coffee table and couch, and the light from the fire flickered warmly against the cream walls. My arm was lazily draped over Petra’s thin shoulders, her body nestled into mine as we quietly chittered late into the night before the morning of our expedition to reclaim Wall Maria._

_“How are your living quarters so cold on a June night,” Petra whined playfully._

_I sighed good-naturedly at her teasing, a smirk playing at my lips as I responded, “It’s because you’re not here enough.”_

_She rolled her eyes humorously as I pulled her closer to me before we settled into a comfortable silence. The fire was nothing more than glowing embers in the early hours of the morning as time crept on, and the first hints of the rising sunlight flittered through the cracks of my gray drapes._

_“Levi,” Petra whispered hesitantly._

_“I’m awake,” I answered. She pulled away from me, and I dropped my arm from her shoulders. Our fingertips touched on the stone._

_She pulled her hand away as she stretched for her satchel on the coffee table, her light blue night shirt lifting just barely above the hem of her sweat pants. I looked away from the exposed pale skin of her abs when I felt my cheeks flush with nervous color. She sat back with me with her satchel in her lap, ruffling through its contents, completely unaware of her effect on me. The bag had some unidentifiable stains on it, and moths had eaten little holes through the worn cloth in places over the many years she had it._

_“I think it’s time I replace your bag with something nicer,” I chuckled, crossing my arms over my chest._

_Her smile faltered as she pulled out a folded letter, and she handed it to me. With narrowed eyes, I took it from her._

_“What’s this,” I asked her coolly._

_She swallowed her nerves._

_“Look, I know our Special Operations Squad has prepared for our mission to reclaim Wall Maria for five years now, and I know you’re our squad’s captain, and I know you’re the Corporal of the Scouts with the highest titan kill count of any solder literally ever --”_

_“-- Enough with the flattery--” I swatted at her incessant words like flies._

_“-- but if something happens to me, I want you to read this letter, and then give it to my parents.”_

_My eyes flicked from her face down to the letter in my hand as I mulled over her words quietly. There was a pause between us. My hand shot up to grip her bicep, and our eyes met in the fading ember light._

_“I will not let anything happen to you while we’re out there together,” I said to her firmly. “You will return safely to your childhood home here in Wall Rose in a few days where you can tell your silly parents about how you bravely fought against our enemies and won one of humanity’s greatest victories!”_

_Her hand met mine on her arm, and, with a renewed sense of courage, she beamed at me._

_“I’m not going to read this letter,” I reassured her as I let go of her arm and raised the letter between us, “because you’ll be by my side when this nightmare is finally over.”_

_I set the paper on the other side of me on the stone in front of the fireplace._

I stumbled around the coffee table to where Petra and I had cuddled together only this morning, and I picked up her letter, unfolding its pages with shaking hands. The splotches of dried blood that crusted my hands stood in stark contrast against the clean white pages. I sucked in a poisonous breath when I realized it was Petra’s blood that stained my hands. It was Petra’s blood that moved her hand as she wrote the letter I held. 

“To my dearest loved ones,” Petra’s flowing cursive wrote.

“You’re reading this because I sacrificed my life for the cause of humanity during the Scouts’ expedition to reclaim our lost territory in the land that makes up Wall Maria. 

“Please, don’t blame the military regiment I belonged to for my death; I knew that my death was inevitable when I decided to join their ranks after I graduated from the Cadet Core. The threat imposed by the titans is real, but if we cower behind even more imposing walls for the rest of our fleeting lives because we’re too scared to reclaim the world that was stolen from us, then we never lived at all. 

“I wanted to see what lies beyond the Walls, and I did that. I wanted to live a life worth living, and I did that. Please, don’t pity my death; I was one of the only people within our dying population that chose to actually _live_. 

“Humanity’s heritage is outside of the Walls, and that world will be our future’s rightful inheritance. It must be taken back if we all are to survive. Honorable women and men, like my fiance, Levi Ackerman, will pave the way to victory long after I am gone. Have faith in them, and in him, like I do.”

I clicked my tongue in disgust at the mention of my wretched name; Petra assumed she would die while I survived, like I had over and over again whilst all of my comrades suffered horrible deaths at the hands of the very beasts I promised to protect them from. Her letter went on to talk about the deep devotion she had to her parents and their family as well as the sense of gratitude she keenly felt for the wonderful life they created for her despite the normal trials of life their little family experienced. 

Then, Petra urged her sister: 

“Penelope, your generation will see the emancipation of our people from the tyranny of the titans. You and your future babies will see things I never had the chance to, and I will be so happy for you to experience things my life was never offered. 

“Remember to fight for what is rightfully humanity’s. 

“Remember I have always loved you, and I always will. Know that it was your great spirit that kept me fighting to come home. Use that indomitable spirit to press forward with your life even after my death. Things will be hard, but time will soften all the hurt.” 

I flipped to the final separate page of Petra’s letter, and my eyes lingered at the top of the page where the ink of her writing quill swirled my name: 

“Levi Ackerman, 

“I was a bundle of nerves when you first hand picked me for your Special Operations Squad. At that point, I knew I had already proven myself as an effective soldier; although my kill count was not very high, there were no casualties amongst the members of any of my assigned squads. I remember you asked me what my thoughts were about your observation on that matter, but I had always assumed it was because of my skill with 3DM gear. You scolded me for my budding cockiness! It was because, you explained, my comrades trusted in the many natural talents I had that defined me as a great soldier and leader. I asked what those natural talents were, and you responded that, among the intuitive ability needed to wield our swords effectively while flying through the air, a soldier’s greatest skills were empathy, value for human life above all else, and, of the utmost importance, loyalty to the cause of humanity so strong that you would willingly sacrifice your life for the greater good. 

“In that moment, I knew you saw deeper than my face value when you gave voice to my innermost feelings; you saw the me that I kept hidden away to protect myself from the bitterness of our war. Levi, looking back over everything that happened around us and between us, it was in that moment I fell in love with you. 

“You taught our squad how to work as one and to trust in each other’s skills. We learned to communicate silently. You taught us to be as deadly as you are. Because of how strong this connection between me and our squad’s comrades is, I know the connection between us runs as deep as the sky is high. 

“So what can I say about the keenful deepness of my feelings for you that you don’t already intrinsically know?

“Levi, I had wanted so desperately to be your wife and to have that life we promised each other when you proposed to me. But, in the marrow of my bones, I knew this mission would be our last time together. 

“Know that I loved you in this life, but please remember to move on with yours after I am gone. 

“With unwavering devotion to you and to the cause, 

“Always and forever your Petra”.

An overwhelming amount of desiderium welled up from the bottom of my stomach, and it threatened to swallow me whole as I blankly stared at the white paper in front of me. I wanted nothing more in this world at that moment than to feel her fingers lace with mine one last time, to smell the delicate fragrance of her pale skin so close to mine, to see the flashes of life within the depths of her eyes again, to hear her whisper my name breathlessly in my ear while we were alone in the dark, to taste the sweetness of her lips while life still flavored her being. 

Why was I not there to protect her when she needed me most?

I wanted to crumple the letter with trembling fists and throw it into the fireplace as if it was never written, as if the _need_ for it to be written never existed. I wanted to whip around to my coffee table, eyes alight with rage and self-loathing, and, with my aching muscles, lift it high above my head to smash it to pieces over and over again until the splinters bloodied my worthless hands. I wanted to fall to my knees in defeat and wail in lamentation until no sound could escape the raw hoarseness of my throat. I wanted to sink into oblivion so this, this unbearable _pain_ from my inability to do anything right _,_ would cease. 

Why could I not save her? 

I growled low at the growing pain in my ankle brought on by my standing as I read Petra’s final testimony in front of the fireplace we had cuddled together just that morning. 

Just. 

That. 

Morning.

My hand flew to my temple to ease the sudden onset of vertigo. 

I took the final page of Petra’s letter, which was addressed to me, and set it on top of her ring. After carefully folding the rest of the letter, I set it beside my 3DM gear. I needed a shower still before I could finish my pressing matters, and, with my lame ankle, I knew it would take me longer than usual to be out on my way. I finished my steaming shower and dressed in my freshly starched white button down shirt with crisply pressed black suit pants. Then I hobbled down to the Infirmary to address my damned ankle. The Head Nurse greeted me warmly, the etched laughter lines from so many years of kindness deepening with her welcoming smile for me. I did not have the heart to return it. With a firm hand on my shoulder, she guided me to a creaky bench at the far end of the Infirmary. The windows were open to let the new summer’s breeze carry through the rectangular room, and the sunlight was warm against my hunched back. 

“What seems to be the problem, Corporal,” Head Nurse Paisley patiently inquired of me. 

My eyes darted around the room, resting on the young faces of my injured comrades laid up in the hard sick beds of the Infirmary, and some even rested on the stone ground in makeshift cots. Clean sheets were pulled up to the chins of the many, but the coverings could not hide the damage done to the minds and hearts of the falling soldiers. Bitter moans for mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers made up the rise and fall of the disturbing cacophony that brashly danced through the room. Bile burned at the back of my throat at the dire situation these innocent people faced. With a sigh, I crestfallenly returned my attention to the nurse who sat on the bench beside me. 

“It’s my ankle,” I said as I bent over to remove my black shoe, but before I could finish untying the lace, Nurse Paisley hiked up her plain red dress skirts to sit on her knees in front of my feet. She took my hands in hers for a moment, inspecting them with intelligent -- _knowing_ \-- eyes. 

“Be a good dear for me and try not to scrub your hands so raw again! I can’t imagine it is a pleasurable experience to dual wield blades with bloodied blisters all over your fingers and palms,” she lightly scolded me as she swatted my hands away from my shoe. 

As Nurse Paisley quickly untied my shoe and carefully removed my tall black sock, I looked down at my empty red palms resting on my lap. White bubbles already began to rise to the surface of the raw flesh. My incompetent hands were clean from my hot shower, but, even after scrubbing and scrubbing and scrubbing with my bleached bristle brush, I still saw the crusted splotches of Petra’s blood staining them in my mind’s eye. 

The nurse tutted softly as she carefully lifted my foot by my heel to better inspect my ankle, and I grimaced as her gentle fingers poked around. 

“As you’ve probably already guessed, it is a definite break here,” she pointed to the outer part of my ankle where the bruising was the darkest, “but we can get this taken care of with a firm splint and plenty of rest -- real down time -- from you for the next twelve weeks.” She gripped the edge of the bench I sat on to push herself up, but I stood tall, taking her arm with both of mine to help her up from the ground. 

She clicked her tongue with good-natured annoyance as she placed her hand against my chest to sternly push me back down to the bench to keep me off of my ankle. As she turned around, shaking her head with her hands buried in the depths of the pockets of her black apron, I heard her grumble to herself, “He sure is a stubborn one.” 

A few moments later, Head Nurse Paisley returned with her arms full of splint supplies, and in tow behind her was a younger woman adorned in the black dress skirts of the Head Nurse’s underling attire. The younger woman quickly twisted her wavy chestnut hair up in a disheveled bun as she sat before me to tend to my ankle under Paisley’s direction. Even though this woman’s fading skirts were black, the darker stains of blood from her patients were evident. After the clothes would be washed, I knew the stains of the people she could not save would be carried with her on her heart instead, the same as the blood of my fallen comrades were on mine. 

She looked up at my blank expression shyly. 

“My name is Allison,” she introduced herself with a smile. “Please let me know if the bandaging is uncomfortable or painful in any way.” 

Head Nurse Paisley patiently taught her how to properly splint an ankle, her aged hands rigorously guiding the generation of rising healers who would replace her. I noticed the other young women in the same black dress skirts scurrying around the Infirmary with dedication to the dying Scouts under their care. The reality of the situation was that, eventually, everyone would be replaced by someone of the younger generation. Would those new people seek for the freedom the Scouts, who the majority of the civilians within the pen-like safety of the Walls violently disapproved of, fought so desperately for? 

“What a beautiful ring,” Allison remarked as she finished tying up the bandaging around the splint. My hand flew to Petra’s ring, which hung from my neck by the lace of a thin gold chain, and I gripped it in my fist. I was reminded of the heaviness of my breast pocket where Petra’s final testimony was tucked away. The woman’s fingertips graced over my white knuckles for a moment while I kept my eyes low. 

_“Remember to fight for what is rightfully humanity’s,”_ Petra’s words to her child sister echoed through my mind. 

“Thank you,” I whispered, and Allison nodded.

“Alright, let me get you a pair of crutches,” she beamed at her handiwork as she swiftly stood up and politely smiled down at me. 

The two women quickly returned with the crutches, and I was relieved to feel the smoothness of the old wood as I stood up with the help of the women. 

“Remember to keep off your foot as much as possible, and make sure you elevate it when resting, especially at night,” Head Nurse Paisley instructed me. With a nod of acknowledgement at her orders, I was about to make my way out of the Infirmary when she placed her hand tenderly on the expanse of my back in between my shoulder blades. I turned my head over my shoulder towards her, my eyes flicking to her troubled face and then to Allison, who stood a little behind the old woman. 

“Please come back to us,” she said in a hush only I could hear, and her hand fell back to her side. 

My eyes widened ever so slightly as I took in the meaning of her pleading. 

“I never left,” I bitterly retorted as I briskly shuffled away on the crutches.

Head Nurse Paisley’s insightful observation about the hidden changes within me was unsettling. 

*******

  
  


The afternoon light began to fade quickly as I made my way through the bustling cobbled roads of the sprawling town. The uneven streets made using the crutches difficult, and, much to my growing irritation, I had to stop often to regain my teetering balance. 

“I should have taken a horse,” I grumbled to myself

After what felt like a long journey for what was usually a quick stroll through the twisting neighborhoods of the buzzing village, I found myself standing at the threshold of my pressing matter. I stood under the front garden entrance archway that was covered in the twisting vines of a blooming Virginia Creeper. On either side of the smooth river stone path that led to the front door of the humble cottage before me, ripe vegetables were ready to be picked. The cottage’s shuttered windows were thrown open to welcome the birth of a new season inside, and I heard the bustling of pots and pans coming from the busy kitchen. 

With a final nervous breath of preparation, I hobbled to the front door and knocked. 

The door flew open almost instantly, and bright meadow-green eyes peered up at me beneath a head of wild copper hair. 

“Levi,” Penelope squealed in delight, “Mama, Papa, Levi is here,” she chirped over her shoulder. 

“Hello Penelope,” I chuckled bitterly as she motioned with her tiny hand for me to come inside. My visit to her house when her older sister and I were supposed to be gone from Wall Rose for a few days did not seem to trouble her young heart. 

She walked by my side as she guided me to the sitting room. 

“You look pretty banged up,” she chittered on, “so I can’t imagine what those chopped up titans must look like!” I flinched inwardly when she triumphantly punched at the air as we reached the entrance of the sitting room at the end of the short front hallway. I pinched one of my crutches with the crook of my elbow, and patted her head, my hand lingering lovingly on her messy hair for a moment before she indignantly flicked it away. 

Petra’s father sat in his usual rocking chair with this morning’s newspaper held in his calloused hands, his half-moon spectacles ever so slightly slipping down the bridge of his nose. From the corner of my eye, I saw the swish of his wife’s pale blue skirts as she busied herself in the kitchen. Wood was set in the fireplace, ready to be lit when the fading afternoon light slipped into twilight. 

“Levi,” Penelope turned to me, taking my hand into hers, “you should be sitting!” 

At the sound of my name, Petra’s father jumped in his skin, almost dropping the newspaper. His mouth parted slightly at the sight of me, and his lips came together in a thin white line, a look of fear creasing his face. Our eyes met. 

“I’m fine,” I looked down to the young girl at my side with tenderness as I squeezed her hand, “but thank you.” 

“Levi,” Petra’s father stood. “What are you doing back already?” 

He quickly folded the newspaper to set on the table stand beside his chair, picking up his mug of black tea to place on top of the newspaper. He crossed the room, and we gripped each other’s arms in warm greeting. 

“Hello Petyr,” I said when we let go, his daughter still clutching my hand. He nodded to me before he turned on his heel. 

“Ribbon,” he called to his wife, “Levi is here.” 

The clanging stopped suddenly, and Ribbon came to the living room, wiping the bubbles from the dish water off her hands on her embroidered white apron. She smiled invitingly at me, but mine faltered as she made her way to her husband’s side. 

“How are you doing, Levi,” she asked brightly. I looked at Penelope again, unable to meet her mother’s eyes. 

“Could I,” my voice broke, “ speak privately to both of you, please?” 

Penelope’s eyebrows furrowed, and Petra’s parent’s eyes searched over me as I returned my expressionless gaze to their troubled faces. 

“Of course,” Petyr nodded, and he motioned for us to follow him. 

I let my hand slip from Penelope’s as I readjusted my grip on the crutch, and Ribbon took her daughter’s thin shoulders in both hands. 

“You should go play outside while we talk, honey,” Ribbon cooed to her daughter. 

Her only living daughter. 

“But, Mama,” I heard Penelope protest from the darkness of Petyr’s office while he and I waited for Ribbon in a pregnant silence. 

“No ‘buts’ child,” she pleasantly chided. 

We heard the click of Penelope’s shoes running down the hallway, accompanied by the defiant slam of what I assumed was the front door. A few moments later, Ribbon joined us, shutting the thin office door behind her. 

Ribbon crossed the room to throw open the green curtains, shedding light on the cozy room. A sparsely packed bookshelf was pressed against one wall’s tan stucco, and a desk with strewn about papers sat in the middle of the room with two comfortable chairs resting in front of it. Petyr stacked some of his papers away to clear a spot for himself to sit on its edge. He motioned for me to have a seat, and Ribbon politely took my crutches from me as I roughly fell back into the chair. She rested them against the bookshelf before she took the seat beside me. 

Ribbon took my hand in hers, and she motherly patted its top, oblivious to the apparent red rawness of my skin. We shared a look when she took it, and she smiled at me reassuringly, which I could only return with a shallow grimace. Petyr cleared his throat nervously, grabbing our attention. His hand scratched at his nape, his olive eyes darting around the room before meeting the grayness of mine. 

“What a pleasant surprise to have you here with us,” Ribbon smiled again, but I did not respond.

Petyr’s and my eyes were locked on each other. His eyes flickered to my chest for a moment, and his eyes widened as the color drained from his face. 

“Is that Petra’s ring hanging from your neck,” he could barely whisper, and Ribbon’s grip on my hand tightened as she whipped to face me in search of that ring. Her quiet gasp at the sight of it deafened the silent room. 

I pulled Petra’s final testimony from my breast pocket, and I handed it to Petyr. Hesitantly, he took it from me. 

“Early this morning, the Scouts left on an expedition to reclaim Wall Maria,” my voice started strong. “As we made our journey there, we were attacked by an enemy of humanity -- an intelligent titan with abilities the likes of which have never been seen by humans in all the years we’ve explored titan territory.” 

I took a breath to steady myself as Petyr and Ribbon patiently waited for me to continue. 

“I was given a solo task to hunt down this titan when it suddenly disappeared after slaughtering more than half of the soldiers on the expedition. I was separated from my squad. I can only imagine the titan must have ambushed them, because…” 

Overwhelming vertigo hit me, and I clutched Petra’s ring again to steady my head, my lungs painfully hitching on my ragged breathing. I could not tear my eyes from the blooming anguish coloring Petyr’s features as Ribbon’s shaking hand fell from mine. 

“...there were no survivors.” 

There was a pause of the same black silence that had touched the Scouts’ few surviving soldiers after our return to the bulwark. 

“What do you mean, ‘there were no survivors,’” Ribbon yelled at me, and I looked at her face. 

Her eyes were wild with horror. Her hands flew to her agape mouth, muffling her violent sobs. I could not bear to look at the paleness of her tear-stained cheeks, so like my Petra’s when I held her in my arms that final moment only a few hours ago. My hand fell from the ring as I shut my eyes against the sight, my head bowed before them. 

“Petra was murdered,” I breathed.

Our heads whipped around as the office door burst open, the door and its brass handle smashing into the wall. I was jolted up in horror when Penelope rushed into the room as her mother began to wail incessantly. The little girl pushed my chair out of her way, and, when she stood in front of me with her trembling fists cocked back, I braced myself for her punches. Before she could land any, I gripped her spindly wrists with my hands as I sunk to me knees before her, my head level with her chin. 

She had defiantly listened to our conversation from the other side of the door. 

“Why weren’t you with her,” she bellowed at me with flecks of spit flying, her eyes shut tight against her revulsion at the sight of me. 

“I don’t know,” I whimpered. “Penelope, I am so _sorry_.” 

Her head fell as she sobbed bitterly before me, and Petyr set Petra’s letter on his desk. He went to his ailing wife’s side, placing a hand on her shoulder firmly. 

“Ribbon,” he commanded, “take Penelope out of the house.” 

His wife lifted her head from her hands to look up to her husband, her rust colored hair wild as she quieted down. I noticed the gold glint of her wedding band even in the twilight that filled the room. She was a mother first and foremost; she had to bite down her own reeling devastation to be there for her only child. With a renewed sense of purpose, she rose from her seat, and I let go of Penelope’s wrists as Ribbon picked her up. Penelope buried her mussied face into the warmth of her mother’s shoulder, and Ribbon tenderly pet her daughter’s back as she walked around my toppled chair. She quietly closed the door behind them as they left the house. 

I slowly turned around to face Petyr, and he brought himself to his full height before me, his face calmly expressionless. I heard the resounding slap before I felt its sting against my cheek, my face turned to the side from it. I let my head hang for a moment. 

“I gave you one condition when you asked for my permission to marry my daughter,” Petyr growled low. “How could you have forgotten it?” 

I looked at him silently, anguish flavoring me like salted meat.

“It was so simple, especially since you hand-picked her for your team! Do you even remember the one simple thing I asked of you?” 

“Yes,” I whispered. 

“Apparently not,” he chuckled venomously as he pulled his pants up by his belt, his eyes traversing the wood flooring. He looked at my ashen face again, his eyes bloodshot with rage. I ignored the bright pain gnawing at my ankle as I stood there. 

“My one condition to your proposal was that you never leave her side, and you _promised_ me, Levi,” he spat out my name, and he turned his back to me. I watched his fingers trace over Petra’s letter to her family for a moment before he faced me again. 

“Petyr, I --” 

He raised his hand to silence me, and he shook his head. 

“I don’t want to hear your excuses.” He paused. “If _my_ Petra is dead, why did the Scouts not surrender her body to my family when they returned today?”

I looked into his eyes as I spoke, “Our dwindling numbers were overrun by titans during our retreat back to Wall Rose. We had to leave the bodies behind so our horses and hand wagons would be fast enough to escape the onslaught.” 

Petyr was crestfallen, and he pinched the brim of his nose. 

“Levi,” he said, gripping my shoulder, “I had looked forward to having a man of your cut as my son, but you have done enough to my family. Now, get out of my house.” 

I nodded. I limped to my crutches against the bookshelf, and, when I opened the door, I looked at him over my shoulder. 

“I am sorry I wasn’t there to save her, Petyr.” 

He lifted his head, our eyes catching again. 

“Get out,” he snarled, and I left the door open behind me. 

As I crossed the empty living room, I peered down the hallway that was opposite of the office; the room across from Penelope’s was where Petra stayed during her free time. That was Petra’s childhood room. It was almost like I heard her bubbling laughter again when I looked down where her earliest childhood memories were made. From the darkness of the office hallway, I heard Petyr quietly begin to weep. I sighed, and left the cottage quickly. 

The afternoon sun had set, and the cold of twilight touched the village as I shuffled through the streets back to the bulwark, exhaustion from the long day numbing even my bones. 

When I reached the spiral staircase at the end of the long bulwark hallway, I had no choice but to throw my crutches onto my back and walk up the steep steps, bracing my aching body against the cold iron railing. 

At last, I entered my living quarters, and I slammed the door shut behind me. I fell back against the couch and threw my crutches onto the floor with a bang. Roughly, I wiped the fresh sweat off my forehead with the hem of my white buttoned sleeve. 

I sat in the quiet of the dark for a long time, ignoring my 3DM gear that still needed to be cleaned on the coffee table. My stomach growled, breaking the silence. 

“Shut the fuck up,” I barked at myself, and I shut my eyes with the desperate hope that the insomnia that haunted all of my nights since Isabel’s and Farlan’s deaths would let me have a rest from my weariness for once. 


	3. Mauerbauertraurigkeit

**Mauerbauertraurigkeit:** **the inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends**

  
  
  


**_Hanji_ **

**_The afternoon of the defeated Scout’s return to Wall Maria_ **

When the Scouts returned to the bulwark, I sprinted to my living quarters immediately, my bloodied cape flapping behind me as my feet slammed up the spiral staircase to the third floor where high-ranking Scouts were stationed away from the rest of the soldiers. When I reached my plain door, I breathlessly looked up and down the hallway before rifling through my tight sports bra for my brass key. I jammed the key into the lock and flung the door open. Then I slammed the door shut, locking it behind myself. I slipped the key back into my bra. 

I gritted my teeth when I noticed a few of my still lit candles had burned down to the wick, wax dripping onto the wood of my fireplace mantle, the coffee table, and the kitchen counter. I kicked a pair of old boots laid at the entrance of my quarters out of my way as I surveyed the front room. A few pairs of dirtied uniforms were draped over the maroon couch’s backrest. Another pair of muddy work boots were on the stone that was laid out in front of the ashy fireplace. Old newspapers were strewn about the coffee table, and a few used tea mugs left now dried water rings on the crinkled paper. I made my way to the fireplace mantle, pinching the flame out of the wick of the candle on my coffee table. Then I blew out the candle on the mantle before whipping around to overlook the room again. Nothing had been touched since I had left my living quarters this morning. 

I made my way into the kitchen next. Cloudy glasses, greasy plates, and used cutlery overflowed from the sink onto the short counter, and I extinguished the candle at the edge of it. My blade rung out through the silence as I drew it, and I confidently strode across the kitchen to the pantry at the end of the short room. I swung the narrow door open, and I grinned to see it was empty. The kitchen was cleared of unwanted visitors too. 

The last place to check was my bedroom. The door was cracked, just like I had left it this morning, but with caution, I eased into the little room. Plain gray bed sheets were thrown in a heaping pile on the hardwood floor closest to the window, the drapes still shut tight against the afternoon light. A pair of my civilian clothes were piled on the nightstand by the head of my bed. The candle that rested on the nightstand had been knocked to the ground during my usual rush this morning. The little bathroom at the edge of the bedroom was wide open and empty. 

Then I saw it, half emerged from the closet; the figure of a broad-chested man lurking within the darkness. I could not see his face, nor did it appear that he had noticed my silent entrance. 

“Gotchya,” I maniacally screeched into the darkness as I lunged forward. My sword pierced the center of his back, slicing through to the base of his sternum. But something felt off; his body felt thicker than even the most sculpted human muscle. As the hilt of my blade pressed against his flesh, I noticed his skin was an off-orange color in the dim light, and he continued to stand stock still with my three foot long sword skewered through him. In a flash, I drew my second sword as my free arm cocked up protectively near my face, ready to strike. I whipped to face him, and I squinted through my smudged goggles. 

I really needed to get my prescription checked; the man before me was nothing more than my hand-to-hand combat dummy. A belly laugh ripped through my body as I lowered my weapon, and I wiped a tear of merriment from the corner of my eye. 

_Oh Hanji_ , I humorously thought to myself, _you’re too paranoid for your own good!_

With a grunt of effort, I yanked my sword from its busted body, and I wiped some of the orange foam from the blade with the tattered hem of my cape before returning both of them to their sheaths. My living quarters were empty of any intruders, but I knew to still be overprotective of the secrets hidden within my research, especially since the recent vicious murders of my precious Sonny and Bean. After one more glance over my bedroom, I investigated the rest of my living quarters again, just to be safe. 

When I was thoroughly satisfied that I was alone, I removed my 3DM gear and dropped the outer layer of my uniform onto the floor. As I kicked my boots off and threw them towards my bedroom, I was careful to not also accidentally remove the five inch butterfly knife I had strapped to the lower part of one of my calves. I pulled my long sweaty socks high to my knees to hide the blade. When I was sufficiently comfortable in my once-white-now-stained-gray undershirt and wrinkled black boxer-shorts, I went to the sparsely packed bookshelf beside my fireplace. I removed the treasured historical books, a thin pile of irrelevant research papers, and my few personal trinkets, stacking those possessions on my couch’s armrest carefully. When the bookshelf was empty, I lifted it away from the wall, setting it next to the locked front door. My arms and hands had a few flecks of dark paint chips on them from the bookshelf, and I wiped them off onto the floor absentmindedly. 

Behind the bookshelf was a four-by-four metal door set in the wood wall. It had two deadbolt locks on the left side, one deadbolt at the top, and a final deadbolt at the bottom. I pulled my t-shirt away from my skin as I reached into the depths of the left pocket hidden inside of my sports bra where I kept the keys to this door close to my heart. I squatted in front of the little door as I inserted the first wrought iron key into two of the deadbolts, and when they clicked, I used the silver key in the other bolts. As I checked over my shoulder, I slipped the keys back into their pocket inside of my bra. Then I crawled through the entrance, closing and locking the door behind myself.

The 10-by-10 metal room was pitch black since there were no windows to touch daylight to its secret walls, but I did not fear the dark. I stretched to my full height, and made my way to the rectangular table in the center of the room. My hands felt around the table for my candles and matches, knocking over an empty glass beaker in the process, and I lit the wicks quickly. The room itself was barren except for the dinged table, a rickety stool, and a splintered bookshelf. But my lab housed an irreplaceable wealth of knowledge. 

As tradition, all of the Survey Corps Commanders kept intricately detailed personal journals and expedition journals, so their knowledge from experiences could be passed down to the next Commander. These journals were sheltered in this room, and only the current Scouts Commander, Erwin Smith, knew of the lab’s existence. Hidden among the shelves where these journals were kept were five precious books; a book about the basic geography of the outside world, a handwritten journal containing the genealogy records of a few noble families from before the creation of the Walls, a celestial body navigational guide, a doctoral theory of how the human race came to be, and a strange journal detailing the experience of a Scout who had been left for dead in titan territory beyond Wall Maria. Getting caught harboring any one of these types of books by the Military Police would be enough to get anybody hanged, but I kept the most precious sixth book on my person at all times. The sixth book was my personal records of my titan experiments, and it contained the details of theories I had voiced to no other soul. Those secrets were worth violently dying for.

I reached down the back of my shirt to retrieve it from a hidden pouch sewn into the back of my bra where it rested in between my shoulder blades. As I rifled through its yellowed pages to where I last left off with my recount of Sonny’s and Bean’s murders, I hooked one foot around the leg of the stool that was tucked under the table, and I pulled it out. I sat down, and, since the chair legs were unbalanced, I began to rock back and forth quickly per my usual habit. My eyes never left the page I read as I reached for my bottled ink and quill so I could write down the tragedy of the Scouts’ Wall Maria reclamation expedition this morning. 

After a few hours of intense quill scratching, I heard the echo of footsteps coming up the spiral staircase through the thin metal walls, and, when the heavy boots reached the hallway, the ruckus was then accompanied by the bass reverberance of humming. I recognized the secret tune: it was the Commander of the Scouts. When Erwin first gifted me with this room’s hidden office, we had agreed on a made up song he would hum near my quarters so I would know to come out of the lab. 

In a flurry, I shoved my journal into its hidden pouch, licked my thumb and index finger to pinch out the flames of my candles, and I crawled through the little metal door, quickly locking it behind myself. With a heaving grunt of effort, I carried the empty bookshelf back to the wall where it covered the hidden door. Then I redistributed my stack of belongings from the couch armrest back onto the shelves messily. The whole veteraned process only took me a few moments to accomplish. I began to brush the paint flecks off my forearms and hands when the humming stopped in front of my door. 

_Knock, knock._

“Coming,” I called to the door from the front room, taking a few moments before answering it to not demonstrate a correlation between Erwin’s loud humming and the timing of when I opened the door. It would seem suspicious to anyone who was observant enough to notice that Erwin hummed an unrecognizable song and I immediately let him into my private living quarters each time that happened. Of course, to throw off suspicion, Erwin hummed the tune in public quite often, but no one could be too careful in a war with enemies who were indistinguishable from loyal comrades. 

The door clicked as I unlocked it, and I politely smiled at Erwin, our eyes level when I slouched. 

“Commander, what brings you to my humble abode,” I asked brightly as I invited him into my quarters with a gesture of my hand. 

He came inside and turned to face me as I shut the door, his arms crossed over his chest. He still wore his blood-splattered uniform, and I noticed the purpleness beneath his blue eyes from a recent streak of sleepless nights. 

“Erwin,” I leered as I locked the door, flashing a toothy grin. “Sleep deprivation is unbecoming of you.”

He smirked and heartily clapped me on the back as I passed him to sit on the couch. He joined me there, pushing some of my dirty clothes out of the way. He rested his forearms on his knees as he cupped his chin with his hands, and his brow furrowed with deep contemplation. His cold eyes flicked to me. 

“Are you becoming one of those bloodthirsty creatures you told me about that live in the dark,” he commented on the pitch of my living quarters. 

“Oh yes! I’ve already slaughtered a vampire for its immortality,” I barked with laughter, unwilling to mention aloud where I had been holed up for the past few hours since the Scouts’ return to the bulwark. 

I felt no need to make light. We fell comfortably quiet for a time

“Hanji,” he broke the silence first as he leaned into the back of the couch and faced me, his hands clasped in his lap. “I have come to speak with you about a proposition in effect because of the encounter with the Female Titan today.” 

I nodded as I removed my goggles. I set them on the coffee table beside my casual pair of glasses. After wiping the glasses’ lenses with the cleanest part of the hem of my undershirt I could find, I put them on, sliding them up the bridge of my hooked nose.

“There is a storm coming for us, the likes of which have not been seen since the mysterious erection of the Walls. The manner of humanity’s war for freedom and our enemies’ tactics for our eradication are ever evolving with each piece of new information and knowledge we receive.” 

He took a deep breath, looking away from my face as he reached behind himself. He untucked the hem of his white button down shirt, and he pulled out a leather book that was a bit thicker than the one I kept strapped to my back. He moved a dirty mug from the center of the coffee table before us, and he set the book on the table between us. Its black cover was riddled with cracks, and the weather-worn pages were stained dark with more than the usual yellow of age. He readjusted the back of his tailored shirt before returning his piercing gaze to me. 

“This book,” he whispered as he gestured towards it, “was the personal journal of my father, who was assassinated by the Military Police for his treasonous ideas, which explored theories that opposed the blind obedience and allegiance to our King.” 

My eyes eagerly swept over the journal, my heart pounding in my ears as a flourish of intense curiosity washed through my chest. 

“Before he was murdered, he gifted it to me for safe keeping, in hopes that one day the path of investigation he paved would be taken up by someone who could continue and further his research.” 

My eyes flicked back to Erwin’s face, a crease of concern touching my features. What were his ulterior intentions for bringing this book to me?

“I have pursued his theories to the fullest extent of my ability, and I must admit to myself that I cannot take them any farther with the knowledge I currently possess. But I know _you_ have theories you don’t discuss with me.” 

My eyebrows shot up at his impudent yet nonetheless correct accusation, and he chuckled at my reaction as I pushed the brim of glasses back up my nose. 

“There are some things I can only trust myself with and --” my defense tumbled from my lips

“-- Hanji,” Erwin nodded during his interruption. “I understand if something were to happen to me that loosened my tongue about what you know, it could crush any hope that our people have for a real chance at liberation. You can only trust yourself when toe-to-toe with an enemy of prowess such as the one we are only beginning to comprehend the true nature of. Please, accept my father’s journal, and your research into his theories will be unhindered, with all of my resources through the Scouts at your disposal.” 

I sighed and reached out to grip Erwin’s shoulder as he looked down at his empty palms. 

“Thank you for this generous gift.” 

He grunted in acknowledgement, and we stared at the journal between us for a moment. 

“There is something else we must discuss,” he began. “I have another reason for giving you this book. My days as Commander of the Survey Corps have always been numbered, but I have placed an even bigger target on my back since the Female Titan escaped from our trap. When the enemy is informed that a handful of high-ranking Scouts understand the possibility and consequences of more titan shifters whose allegiances are unknown, it is common sense that their next step will be to eliminate their major threat; they will strike against humanity by assassinating me, and any of those they suspect are coming too close to the truth, in hopes of squandering what little knowledge we have of their secrets.” 

He paused. 

Before me was a man who had come to terms with the inevitability of his future murder. Of course, he had foreseen this as the result of the Scouts’ failure; Erwin was a clever man cut from the thread of diabolical genius. Knots grew in the depths of my stomach as I realized where our conversation headed, and my legs began to bounce fast. 

Our eyes met in the darkness. 

“It is time I name my successor,” he whispered in the hush. “I have already written in my Commander’s Final Decree that you will be the next Commander of the Scouts in my stead.” 

“But Erwin --” I cried out in protest, and he lifted his index finger to his cracked lips, reminding me to stay quiet. 

“It is what I foresee as the best counter attack to my impending murder.” 

“How do you know that I will not be the next target since I engineered the mechanism we employed to capture the Female Titan,” I quietly retorted with bitterness.

He whistled low before flashing me a wicked smile. 

“Then you better make your Commander’s Final Decree quickly.” 

I shook my bowed head at his antics as he stood from the couch. I looked up to him as he straightened his tan jacket, and in the dark it appeared as if the Scout’s logo embellishment of the silver and blue Wings of Freedom beat with flight. I gulped and followed behind him to the front door. 

“I almost forgot,” he chuckled as we stopped in front of the door, his hand combing through his short blonde hair. “Tomorrow at five in the morning I will host a meeting with all of the Scouts’ squad leaders. Will you invite Corporal Levi?” 

My hand rested on my hip casually. 

“Will you not invite him yourself,” I questioned, confused as to why Erwin would not wish to visit his long time friend. 

“He isn’t at the bulwark this afternoon.”

“Oh, why not?” 

Erwin’s features were painted with sadness as he spoke with much graveness,“He left to personally inform Petra Ral’s family of her death this morning.”

My breath caught in my chest, and I said nothing. Flashes of Levi’s character changes after Farlan’s and Isabel’s deaths flew through my mind. I decided I would go to Levi early before the meeting to talk to him about his fiancee’s death. Erwin went to leave, his hand gripping the dull doorknob. 

“Erwin,” I spoke up before he could open the door. “Thank you for this opportunity. I will not fail you!” 

With a look of determination, I saluted him as I brought myself to my full height. I was a few inches taller than him. He turned to face me, and he gently took my elbow in his outstretched hand. 

“It is not _me_ who you must not fail,” he breathed. 

My fist over my heart unclenched in falter, and a sudden faintness touched my head as the weight of humanity’s future crashed onto my strong shoulders. 

_I must not fail my fellow man_ , I thought to myself as Erwin took his leave. 

I locked the door behind him before making my way back to the coffee table. With trembling hands, I picked up Erwin’s father’s journal, but I dared not to flip through its stained and cockled pages just yet. I could not suppress the sudden onset of giggles that rose through me at the glorious prospect of new research, and I practically danced through the process of getting into my secret office. I crawled back through its door, and, as I rocked my unbalanced stool back and forth with the journal opened to its first page on the table in front of me, I was undaunted by the acceptance of another sleepless night in the pursuit of knowledge. 

I would need to find a way to hide this baby on my person: my seventh most precious book. 

Throughout the waning hours of the night in which I delved into Mr. Smith Senior’s theory journal, I took notes in my personal journal as I read. When my blurry vision began to burn and my writing hand ached too much to continue my notations, I closed the book and set my quill beside it to force myself to take a much needed break. I wanted to lay my head on the table to take a power nap, but I checked my cracked wrist watch instead. 

_3:37am_

I sighed and decided it was time to visit Levi as I twisted the ink’s cork into the lips of its glass bottle. I noticed it had begun to run low; I made a mental note to ask Erwin for another refill. With a groan, I stiffly got up from my stool. My back was sore from hunching over the books. I twisted side to side to get a good stretch through my tired muscles. After a moment, I took up Smith’s journal, and with it in hand, I bent down to touch my toes. Then I lowered my sock to my ankle to retrieve my butterfly knife. After a flick of my wrist to open it, I crawled beneath the table. Starting from the candlelight’s flickering shadow of the table’s edge, my fingers counted the lines in between the wood floor boards til the seventh, and then I used my blade’s tip to gently pry it up, careful to not chip the wood. The weathered floor board lifted up to reveal a seven inch space between the wood and the metal flooring of the room, and I slipped the black journal beneath the board where it would rest until I had sewn a new pouch onto my sports bra or found a different way to keep it on my body. I pushed the board back down, quietly pounding on it with my fist to be sure it was flush with the rest of the flooring. 

It was the only board in the floor that had a hidden space between the wood and the metal beneath it. If ever the secret lab was discovered, I had to hope this space would remain hidden long enough for me to develop a plan to retrieve what lay beneath it. But I knew that if the room would be discovered by an enemy, whether of humanity, the Scouts, or of myself, it would be an indication that bigger problems had woven themselves into the tapestry of my future. 

I rolled out from beneath the table, and after I stood up, my socked foot pushed the rickety stool back under the messy table. I flicked my knife closed before replacing it on my calf, and I pulled both of my socks high again so they would rest a few inches below the base of my knees. Then I tucked my personal journal into its pouch in between my shoulder blades. Licking my ink-splotched thumb and index finger, I pinched out the flames of my candles, plunging the little office into blackness. With habitual expertise, I navigated through the darkness to the little door, and I reemerged into my disastrous living quarters after locking it. 

With a deep yawn, I pushed my glasses into my greasy hair to rub the sleep -- or lack thereof -- from my tired eyes with dirty fists before readjusting the front room to hide the secret door. 

Begrudgingly, I headed to the tiny shower room at the edge of my bedroom to freshen up a bit; it was the least I could do out of respect for the emotional distress I knew Levi would attempt to hide from everybody. I also knew his mood would most likely be fouler than usual, and if I wanted to break through the outer shell of his cold exterior, I could not afford my smell, which even I had to admit had become a bit rancid, to offend his retrousse nose. 

The tiled floor of the bathroom was strewn about with my dirty boxer shorts, sweat-stained sports bras, holey t-shirts, and socks flecked with dried mud. Tucked away in the corner between the grimy toilet and the mildewy shower, my little wastebasket over-flowed with snotty tissues, used cotton swabs, knotted wads of my brown hair, an empty container of toothpaste, and my old toothbrush I had replaced a few weeks earlier. I ignored the mess as I stood in front of the metal sink basin, looking at my reflection in the mirror between its desilvering spots. 

My matted hair stuck out at odd points wildly, and at its base where it framed my heart-shaped face was a fine powdering of dandruff. The smoothness of my cheeks were smudged with dirt, and a fat horizontal line of dried blood from my nose was smeared across my face. Heavy bags of sleepless nights touched the tender skin beneath my eyes. You could not even see my smattering of honey freckles through the filthiness! I grinned at my battle-worn reflection; this was the rawest exemplifier of my character. This mussied appearance was the result of my dedication to the pursuit of the precious science and knowledge I knew in the marrow of my bones would pave the way for humanity’s hard-fought victory. The amber of my eyes shone out brightly, unstained beneath the layer of my appearance’s squalor. 

I set my glasses on the edge of the basin, and I turned the sink’s rusty knob, splashing my face with clean water. I tore the fraying ribbon of my ponytail out of my hair, and I drove my paddle brush through the knots roughly. I dipped my hands beneath the cold water and ran my fingers through my straight tresses as I pulled it back up into its usual high ponytail, smoothing out my long bangs to frame my face as I finished my look. Then I rubbed a dry stick of deodorant onto my armpits.

After scrubbing my teeth, I headed to my bedroom’s closet to dawn a fresh uniform. I stripped out of my crusty undergarments, leaving them on the floor where they fell, but I left my socks and black sports bra on because they were my favorite pairs. I was quite pleased by my decision to stock up on those butter yellow button down shirts I had fancied a few years back. I mentally patted myself on the back as my fingers fiddled with the small buttons before I pulled on a pair of white pants. Then I moved to the front room coffee table, and I felt around its surface to find my goggles. After situating them on my head, I began to fasten on the belts of my 3DM gear that sat on the floor by the couch. I did not put on my 3DM gear. I decided I would clean it after Erwin’s meeting this morning. 

With one hand on the cold brass of the front door’s knob, I reached behind my back to double check that my journal was still pressed between my shoulder blades, and then I left my living quarters. Once in the hallway, I looked down either side to be sure I was alone before pulling my room key from my sports bra to lock the door. Thankfully no one was usually up this early, especially after the exhaustion of an expedition set in. Then I headed to Levi’s living quarters, which were located at the very end of the hallway in the direction farthest from my own. 

His living quarters’ front door was as drab as my own. I knocked. 

_Knock, knock._

I waited for a moment, but there was no response. 

_Knock, knock._

Still no response, so I knocked a bit harder this time, careful to not be too loud. 

_Knock, knock._

“Levi,” I quietly called out. 

**_Levi_ **

_I dreamt that I stood in cold empty blackness. The echoes of a conversation reverberated all around me._

_“Let’s carve this bitch up,” Oluo growled through gritted teeth._

_I heard the unmistakable ringing of drawn blades accompanied by the distinct thwacking of grappling hooks embedding into thick tree bark._

_“She won’t get away from us,” Petra leered, “the Female Titan has hell to pay for what she did to our squad!”_

Knock, knock.

_Air canisters hissed past my ears, my raven hair falling into my eyes with the sudden flash of wind. My hand shot up to my face to move it just in time for me to see Oluo and Petra fly above my head, murderous rage putrefying the usual intrinsic warmth of her smiling eyes._

_“Wait,” I called out, my arm outstretched to stop them._

_My eyes widened when I saw the sword gripped in my hand, and the blade glinted in the light of a sun I could not feel. I whipped about when I felt the heaviness of the Wings of Freedom uniform crash onto my shoulders, which I did not remember dawning. With my teeth clenched in brutal determination, I shot my grappling hook into the nearest tree that edged the emptiness, the freedom of purposeful flight filling my chest._

_I would not fail my squad again._

_Booming footsteps roared in my ears. I was a flash of lightning through the forest._

Knock, knock.

_“Oluo no,” Petra screeched over the sickening crunch of crushed bones, but she was too far ahead for me to see what had happened._

_A silence settled over the woods as I reached a clearing made by the decay of felled oak trees. Tufts of grass, dotted with lavender wildflowers, swayed in the calm of a quiet breeze I could not feel. Then I noticed her, the Female Titan, looming before me. She stood still with her back towards me. Her head was bowed, the ice of her blonde hair gently brushing the supple muscles of her exposed nape._

_This was my moment of redemption._

_I set my blades at the ready, my knuckles white with the tension of my grip, and I spun fast with the weight I carried from all of the dead laid behind me. The crushing finality of the pain and the anguish and the bitter self-loathing caused by my inability to save the people I called “family” from the tyrannous reign of the titans stained me. I carried the accumulative sheer will from my fallen comrades to slaughter all of the titans in the brutality of their cold blood within my heart -- no, within the depths of my_ soul _\-- and it was my memories of their murders that propelled me forward for the kill._

_The edges of my blade kissed the surface of the Female Titan’s steaming flesh when the trees surrounding me instantly vanished into nothingness, as if the sun I could not feel had failed me, and the empty blackness of before ravenously closed in. The Female Titan whipped around to face me, her blonde hair falling into her face. My blades sunk deeper into her flesh when the titan before me transformed._

_Petra’s copper hair blew out of her pale face from the shock of wind carried by the onslaught of my attack. Her arms were raised out to me, shielding her face from my killing blow. Blood bloomed to the surface of the white long sleeves of her button down shirt, the green of her cape darkening as my blades sliced through her shoulder and chest._

_It was too late for me to pull back; I had committed to her murder. The blow had landed with master precision._

Knock, knock. 

_Her rosey lips cried out --_

“ -- Levi --?” 

“-- NO!” The scream tore through me as I shot up from the couch, my chest heaving from the adrenaline caused by my nightmare. 

My trembling hands flew to my horrified face, and I bit down on one fist to silence the bitter sob that clawed through my throat. I tasted blood as I frantically whipped around to my door that practically shook off its old hinges. 

“Levi, are you okay,” Hanji’s familiar muffled voice called out to me over the door’s incessant slamming. 

My thin eyebrows pulled together with irritation. 

“Give me a minute, dammit,” I barked as I released my fist from my teeth. A trail of bruising teeth marks hurt the rawness of my skin, and I clicked my tongue with disgust at the sight of the smeared blood on my knuckles. I took out a clean handkerchief from my pants’ pocket to wipe the blood away, and then I folded it to use a clean edge to dab at my forehead and cheeks, soaking up the dripping beads of sweat on my ashen skin. After I stuffed my handkerchief back into my pocket, I ran a shaky hand through my disheveled hair as I checked for the time on the clock that sat on my fireplace mantle. 

_4:06am_

Agitatedly, my lips pressed together in a thin line as I reached for my crutches on the floor beside the couch. With the smooth wood carefully positioned in the crooks of my sore armpits, I hobbled to the front door, and, after a steadying breath, I unlocked it. Reluctantly, I opened it a crack, just enough to let the malice of my gaze slip unfiltered through at the unkempt woman on my doorstep. 

“Do you have any idea what the bloody hour is right now, you damned four-eyes?” 

Hanji’s eyes minutely widened at the sight of the crutch in my armpit, but she quickly replaced her shock with a cool smile. She put her hand on the door up higher than my head, and, with a push, she opened it wide enough to scoot past me. Unsteadily, I wobbled back a bit because of the crutches, which prevented me from adequately stopping her as she forced herself into my living quarters.

I seethed with disdain; I wanted to be alone. 

“Of course I do,” she chirped as she slumped onto my couch, kicking her muddy boots onto my clean coffee table. 

“Get your disgusting shoes off of that,” I barked again as I made my way to the couch, smacking her calves with a quick extension of my crutch. I made a mental note to wipe it down after she left. 

“Ow,” she muttered to herself as she scooted over to the far end of the couch, making room for me beside her. I tossed the crutches to the ground beside the armrest. 

“What the hell could you possibly _ever_ want from me at four in the morning,” I growled as I whipped to face her, giving her a glare that would wilt plant life. 

“Oh,” a smile played at the corners of her lips, “I missed your company this afternoon.” 

“So you decided to wake me before the rooster crows?” 

Her brown eyes met mine. 

“I don’t think anyone would mistake your middle of the night screams for sleepy snores.” She paused. “Where were you this afternoon?” 

The smile fled from her face, replaced by creases of tender-hearted concern. I ignored her question. Her hand came for mine, and she took my hand in hers before I could move out of reach. I grimaced as she brought my knuckles close to her goggles for inspection, and I found myself unable to look at her searching face. 

“Were you seeing if you could turn into a titan,” she lightly jested in remark towards the deep bite mark on my knuckles. Then she flipped my hand over to look at my palms. Her fingertips gently traced over my red and white blisters, which I got from scrubbing my hands too hard with a bristle brush yesterday. 

“How did you get these,” she spoke softly to me as I yanked my hand out of her grip. 

Her head tilted slightly as she looked at me, curiosity flavoring her. Her hand flittered to the bangs framing one side of her face, and she tucked the tuft of chestnut hair behind her small ear. 

“Why are you even here, Hanji,” I asked tiredly, the grey of my eyes touching over the rise and fall of her face. I noticed a delicate smattering of freckles dappling her cheek bones, the bridge of her aquiline nose, the crown of her forehead; she was semi-clean for once. 

She sighed as she began to absentmindedly pick at the grime under her torn up fingernails, and her eyes danced over the darkness that touched my room before returning to my gaze. 

“Erwin asked me to invite you to a squad leader meeting with him at five this morning.” 

“Thanks,” I nodded, crossing my arms over my chest. “Now leave.” 

She snorted as she wiggled deeper into my couch cushions. 

“You really believe that’s the only reason why I came here?” 

“Dammit, Hanji, why the hell do you even want to talk to me _right now_ ,” I said as my hand sharply gestured towards the ticking clock piece on my fireplace mantle. She just rolled her eyes at me. 

“What happened to your ankle?” 

“I broke it,” I grumbled. 

“I may need glasses, but I was able to deduce that well enough for myself, thanks.” She shook her head before continuing, “ _how_ did you break your ankle?” 

“It happened when Mikasa Ackerman and I went to rescue Eren from the Female Titan,” I said with exasperation towards her prying. “It would not have happened if she had kept her emotions for that blithering idiot under control.” 

“Speaking of emotions,” her voice trailed off for a moment as our eyes met in the dark. “How are you holding up with everything that happened yesterday?” 

“I’m fine. Now will you quit sticking your damn nose in shit where it doesn’t belong?” My voice became ice. 

Hanji leaned in closer to me, and I could smell the grease of her hair.

“Are you really fine, Levi?” 

“When was the last time you bathed,” I retorted, my nose wrinkling up with disgust. 

She swatted my comment away, and she just looked at me, really _looked._ Her piercing gaze unsettled me like Head Nurse Paisley’s offhand comment had.

“Why did you scream,” she breathed. 

“Get out,” I snarled.

“Levi,” she vexed as she threw herself back onto her side of my couch, “bottling up your emotions over what happened will be the death of you!” 

“Shut up, shitty glasses.” 

She turned her head to look at me, and I noticed she chewed on the inside of her cheek while her eyes were swimming with contemplation. Her strong hand took my shoulder when she spoke to me. 

“You can always confide in me, my friend.” 

I nodded in acknowledgement, and I patted the top of her hand before she returned it to her lap. 

“Oh,” she cried out, pointing to the clock. “We should leave now if we want to make it to Erwin’s meeting.” 

I sighed with exhaustion as she got up and walked around the coffee table to stand beside me. 

“Hanji,” I looked up to her. “Will you help me up?” 

She only smiled mischievously down at me. 

“Please, dammit,” I spat out, and she giggled as she bent over to pick up my crutches. She extended her free hand to me. 

“Politeness can take you to many places, Levi,” she said as I took her hand, and I was pleasantly surprised at their softness. She pulled me up and then handed me the crutches. 

“Your fingers are really cold,” she remarked, touching her chin lightly. “Do you want to put a sock over your splint foot to keep your toes warm?” 

The warmth of a blush touched my cheeks over her concern, but she was right; my foot had become cold with the lack of movement. 

“Good call,” I conceded with a sigh.

I swung around with my crutches to head to my bedroom, and she followed behind me. 

“Sit down and let me help you,” she commanded when we entered, pushing my shoulder lightly to get me to sit on the edge of my tidy bed, and I begrudgingly complied. 

I directed her into my closet where the dresser was tucked away, and she gasped when she pulled my undergarment drawer open. 

“What,” I said in exasperation, and I felt my blush flush down to my neck as I watched her rummage around. 

“I can’t believe you fold your socks too!” 

I rolled my eyes, and she began to giggle to herself. 

“How hard is it to pull out a long sock?” 

“They’re just so,” she looked over her shoulder with a wide grin, “ _small_!” 

“Dammit, woman, if you can’t handle yourself I’ll get the shitty sock myself!” 

She whipped around with one of my socks in her hand, and, with narrowed eyes, I reached out for it. But she sat in front of my feet, ignoring my open hand, and she carefully pulled the sock over my toes. I winced a bit as she tried to gently hike it over the splint.

“Sorry,” she apologized when she noticed my grimace, and I grunted in acknowledgement. 

“Thanks.” 

She smiled with her hand extended for me to take, and she helped me up again. 

“Do you want to change before we go,” she asked me. 

I looked over myself in the civilian clothes I hadn’t taken off after my visit with Petra’s parents. To my displeasure, they had become wrinkled in places; I must have slept sitting on the couch for longer than I had realized. 

I shook my head, and we left my living quarters. I fished for my room key in my pocket, and locked the door behind us. Hanji politely slowed the usual long length of her stride to keep pace with me, and her eyebrows raised when we stopped at the top of the spiral staircase. I shivered with the cold, thankful for the sock she had suggested. She turned to me, an eyebrow cocked. 

“What’s that look for,” I interrogated her, and that mischievous smile returned to her lips. 

“I have an idea of how to help you down the stairs.” 

Now my eyebrows shot up. 

“Get on my back!” She squatted down beside me, and I smacked her side with my crutch. 

“Fuck that,” I said as I threw my crutches over my shoulder to walk down the steps, and I could hear her jaw drop. 

“Levi,” she shouted in recovery after I had already trudged down a few steps, and she grabbed the lower back of my white button down shirt. I whipped towards her. 

“Get your filthy hand off me!” I smacked her hand away, and she placed her balled up fists on her hips, a defiant glare set in her eyes. 

“I will _throw_ you over my shoulder if you don’t climb onto my back yourself.” 

“I’d like to see you try, shitty glasses,” and with that, I continued down the stairs. 

“You stubborn short man!” 

When Hanji was two steps behind me, which set her on the high ground, her hands grabbed the fabric of my shirt on either side of my torso, and I whipped around, struggling against her strength. I pushed her head away from me with my hand on her cheek, and she pulled my hips closer to her body as she squatted down to throw my slight frame over her shoulder. I crouched down to match her, keeping my hips tucked low to prevent her from picking me up, and my ankle screamed in painful protest. Her quick hands hooked into my armpits, and I smacked her wrists away from me as we continued to struggle. My crutches clattered down a few steps in front of us as her hand slinked around the nape of my neck to pull my head against her chest and -- 

“Damn your persistence, woman,” I shouted in irritation, but the outburst was more inspired by the sharpness blooming in my ankle that had begun to shoot up the side of my calf. Hanji stopped fighting with me for a moment, and my head hung low in defeat. 

“I give up! I’ll get on your back,” her eyes lit up with triumph, “but only until the end of the stairs.”

She nodded her head eagerly. 

“Let’s get back to the top of the stairs for this so we don’t tumble down the steps,” she practically sang with triumph.

Hanji went past me to collect my crutches, and then she went back up a few to meet me on my step. She wrapped a strong arm around my waist while I draped my arm over her shoulders for support. She helped me up the few stairs, and, when we reached the top again, she crouched low for me to get on her back. I rubbed my face hard before I got onto her back. 

“This is unbelievable,” I grumbled low as we made our way down the stairs. I clutched the crutches across Hanji’s front while I supported most of my body weight by holding myself up around her neck. My face moved close to her ear. 

“If you tell anybody about this,” I growled, my nose grazing the tender skin of her jawline with the jostling movement, “no petty deadbolt will stop me from slitting your throat in your sleep.” 

“Oh, Levi,” she giggled breathlessly, “is this your way of making women swoon for you?” 

“Shut it.”

We were quiet for a moment, and, with each jostling step, I felt the hard corners of a thick square in between her shoulder blades practically stab my chest. 

“What the hell do you have on your back?” 

“Oh, nothing!” 

“There’s definitely something there,” I said, and I leaned back a bit to expose the expanse where the hard square was positioned. I used my knuckle to knock on whatever it was. “Do you have a book strapped to your back?” 

Hanji suddenly stopped and then slammed my back against the grey brick wall of the stairwell. 

“What the _fuck_ was that for,” I yelled as I pressed the blades of my forearms into her slender throat to choke an answer from her. Her hands let go of my thighs to pull my arms from her neck a bit, so I tightened the grip of my legs around her wide hips. She slammed my back into the wall again. 

“Don’t speak of it out loud you idiot,” she hissed so only I could hear in the emptiness of the stairwell as she pressed us against the brick harder, “you don’t know who could be listening!” 

I loosened my choke-hold, taken aback by her rightful paranoia. 

“Tell me about it another time,” I sighed with irritation, and her arms slid around my thighs again as we continued going down the stairs. 

When we reached the bottom step, and she squatted to let me go, I was thankful to see the grandeur of the main hall was empty. I carefully stepped down from Hanji’s back, and she straightened up as I readjusted my crutches, flashing me a toothy grin that I met with an expressionless gaze. I smacked my forehead with the palm of my hand and let it roughly slip down my face, pulling my cheeks down until I let go. 

“Thanks for the help,” I reluctantly called over my shoulder as I hobbled down the hall for Erwin’s office. 

Hanji quickly caught up with me, and, after a few turns down a set of side hallways that were attached to the main hall, she knocked on Erwin’s ornate private office door. The flowing decorative wrought iron on the mahogany wood was freshly painted black, and a short emerald banner had the Scouts’ logo carefully embroidered on it. 

“Come in,” Erwin’s muffled voice welcomed us. 

Hanji opened the door, motioning for me to go in ahead of her. When I entered, the few surviving squad leaders stood at attention, saluting me as their eyes widened in shock over my condition. I clicked my tongue in irritated embarrassment, and they relaxed into ease when Hanji closed the door behind herself. 

The half moon shaped room faced eastward. Rising sunlight filtered through the open windows, a soft summer breeze caressing the thin drape fabric. The wooden walls were freshly painted in cream, and two full bookshelves were on either side of Erwin’s desk against the walls. The desk was placed off center of the room, pulled closer to the windows. The desk itself was clear of clutter besides a fresh bottle of ink, a new writing quill, and a few blank papers. 

Erwin stood behind his desk, adorned in a new uniform and clean shaven face. He saluted Hanji and me politely, his eyes glancing over the other squad leaders quickly. Everyone was in their uniforms, their belts neatly polished and placed in order. I, on the other hand, had wrinkles in the clothes I wore from yesterday. My white button down shirt hem was untucked, and its pearl buttons were undone to the base of my breast bone, revealing the off-white of my undershirt. The sleeves were half-hazardously rolled up to just below my elbows. The red of my long sock that covered my splint stood out against the black of my dress pants. It was so unlike myself. 

I felt myself beginning to come undone at the seams. 

“Thank you for joining us, Squad Leader Hanji Zoe,” Erwin’s eyes flicked to Hanji as she saluted, and then to myself, “and Corporal Levi.” 

I nodded my head, unable to salute while I held my crutches. There were no chairs in the room. The squad leaders rested their backs against the walls nonchalantly. I dared not to hope this would be a short meeting. Erwin raised his hand, commanding Hanji to be at ease. 

“I have called you all here to discuss what we shall do in response to our expedition’s failure yesterday,” Erwin began, his eyes meeting the young faces surrounding him. “In order for us to gain a clear understanding of everything our formation encountered during the expedition, all of you will write detailed reports of your experiences from the time you were informed of the impending expedition to your arrival in this room today.” 

A few soldiers gasped at the immensity of the assigned reports’ contents. Others grimaced. Hanji stood by my side silently. I sighed with dread. 

Flashes of my squad members’ mutilated corpses flickered behind my eyes, and I was haunted by the sickening sound of crushing bones that echoed through my nightmare this morning. How could I boil all of that down to nothing more than black ink scratched on fleeting paper? I bowed my head with the memory of my squad for a moment, and my risen eyes met the blue of Erwin’s. 

“All of this information is valuable. Please, with your discretion, choose members of your squad whose recount you feel may be of importance, even if it is nothing more than a gut feeling. These reports must be in my hand in three days’ time” 

He paused before continuing. 

“Next, we must inform the public that we will no longer retrieve the bodies of our fallen comrades during any future expeditions.” 

The room was in uproar as several squad leaders vocally protested. Hanji began to rock back and forth in her boots slightly. My lips parted in shock. 

“But Commander Erwin --” Hanji began. 

My thoughts brought me back to Petyr Ral’s office in the hush of yesterday’s twilight, and the snarl of his voice, so accustomed to bubbling belly laughter, ordering me to get out of his house, out of his family’s fractured life. It broke him to know he would never see his oldest daughter’s lifeless body again, never to be able to trail a calloused finger over the pale pinkness of her ever fair dead cheeks. How could their little family move forward if there was nothing for them to bury in the past? 

Erwin raised his hand to silence the room, and I shot him a bitter glare. 

“The survivors of yesterday’s expedition were so nearly wiped out by an onslaught of titans we could not fight, who were led to our obliterated formation by a disobedient soldier. That man and his comrade went back to retrieve their dead friend’s body, and, in doing so, that man not only sacrificed his comrade’s life, but risked the survival of the entire Survey Corps. That man has returned with the weight of _both_ of his friends’ deaths on his shoulders, and we were _all_ only able to return in safety with the heavy memories of our dead because we sacrificed their bodies to escape. We lay bodies to rest, but their memories carry us forward through life. That is the legacy the Scouts will perpetuate from now on.” 

I seethed with Petyr’s anguish, which was the swelling rage of a parent who had outlived his child and yet could not bury her in peace. 

“Until further notice, all squads will assist the Garrison with their duties on the Walls. Please wait for further squad reorganization and soldier redistribution in the near future.” Erwin turned to Hanji and myself. “Squad Leader Hanji and Corporal Levi, please stay after everyone is dismissed.” Erwin raised his arm to gesture to the door as he spoke, “Squad Leaders, you are dismissed.” 

They saluted and filed out through the door, leaving the three of us alone in the pregnant silence of the room. From his breast pocket beneath his tan jacket, Erwin withdrew a golden key, and he passed it to Hanji. 

“Please lock the door,” he ordered, and she did as he said.

I rolled my tired shoulders as I readjusted my grip on the crutches, trying to find a comfortable position that did not further irritate my sore armpits. She placed the key in his outstretched palm, and he returned it to his pocket. Erwin raised his index finger over his lips to show the rest of the meeting would be conducted quietly, and we nodded in understanding. 

“Levi,” he whispered, “I have decided who will be a part of your new squad assignment.” He waited for me to respond, but I did not speak. “Your squad will consist of Eren Yeager still, Mikasa Ackerman, Armin Arlert, Sasha Braus, and Jean Kirschtein.” 

I nodded. 

“Hanji,” he continued, and she came before his desk, her hands resting on its edge as she leaned in. “Your research squad will work directly with Levi’s. I want you to work with Armin Arlert in particular; I see great potential in his intellectual observations and rearing prowess.” 

Her head eagerly bobbed in agreement. 

“That will be all, Squad Leader Hanji,” Erwin saluted her, and she blinked in surprise before returning his salute. 

He walked around his desk to unlock the door for her, and Hanji flashed him a parting smile before he closed the door behind her. He slipped the key back into his pocket as he moved past me, and he sat at the edge of the desk in front of me. 

“You should sit,” he said, gesturing to a clear spot beside himself on the desk’s edge.

I sighed as I hobbled beside him and I hopped onto the desk, leaning my crutches against the table at my side farthest from Erwin. He held his hands in his lap, his body turned to face me, and I crossed my arms over my chest. 

“How is your ankle feeling?” 

“Painful,” I admitted, my arms dropping to my sides as he nodded his head in understanding. 

“Any idea of how long it’ll take to heal?” 

“I am hoping less than the twelve weeks Head Nurse Paisley has estimated.” 

“I see,” he muttered quietly, “Levi…” 

I turned to look at him, and his face was creased with concern. 

“How are you really doing?” 

“I’m fine,” I rolled my eyes, turning my gaze to my feet, and he laughed humorlessly as he clapped a bear paw of a hand onto my back. 

“Your lies don’t fool me.” 

I groaned as I talked, “What is with you and Hanji pressing me over my well-being?” 

His strong hand moved to grasp my shoulder, and he turned my body to force our eyes to meet. 

“Because we are your _friends._ ” 

I blinked, unsure of what to say, and he sat patiently still. 

“Erwin,” I began gravely, the gray of my eyes colored with pain and anger, “if you were my friend, you would not have ordered me to leave my team behind, especially since you _knew_ the promise I had made with Petyr Ral for Petra’s hand!” 

“Levi --” 

I threw up my hands to motion for him to shut the fuck up. I stood up and walked a few feet in front of the desk, stubbornly ignoring my throbbing ankle as I spun on my heel to face Erwin. The words tumbled like cast stones from my lips before I could stop them. 

“I actually slept last night. Can you believe it,” I laughed bitterly. “And my dreams were haunted by _her_.” 

Erwin did not interrupt me. He watched me unravel before him. 

“It was not enough that I had her blood on my hands yesterday.” I held my palms up to showcase their rawness and blisters, but it was more of my surrender to the overwhelming agony gnawing in my chest. The plight of desiderium flavored me with anguish. “I dreamt I slaughtered the Female Titan, but, at the last second, it was Petra who I murdered. My blades might as well have tasted her blood for themselves when I obeyed your orders to trudge on without my team!” 

I lunged forward and struck him across his cheek, and my stinging hands balled into trembling fists at my sides as I screamed, “How dare a man like you call yourself my friend, _Commander_ Erwin Smith!” 

His head rested on the side of his shoulder for a moment, and the ice of his deep set eyes flickered to my face, his countenance washed with the guilt and the mourning of a bridge burned before him. But it was the darkness of malice that touched his sharp features as he spoke. 

“ _Corporal Levi_ ,” Erwin sneered disgustedly as he stood to his full height, and he towered over me. He gestured towards the door behind me, and then saluted. “You are dismissed.” 

I bit my tongue with gritted teeth as I swiped up my crutches at his side, our eyes locked. Then I defiantly strode out of the room, refusing to take up the aid of my crutches in front of him until after I slammed the perfect door of his damned private office behind myself.

After I adjusted the crutches under my armpits, I whipped back around to face the door, and I front kicked it with my good foot, just for good measured spite. Then I hobbled down the opposite end of the central hallway to the second spiral staircase that led down to the main shared living quarters of the Scouts. 

When I rounded the corner of the far hallway where the spiral staircase swept down to the basement, which was where the main shared living quarters were, I smashed into Sasha Braus. 

“Perfect,” I growled as we both regained our composure. 

“Corporal,” she nervously shouted as her eyes darted anywhere but my face, saluting me with half of her stale bread roll in the hand over her heart. 

“I have a job for you,” I nodded my head for her to be at ease. 

“Uh, yessir?” She hid the rest of her half-eaten roll behind her back. 

“Have Jean Kirschtien, Armin Arlet, Mikasa Ackerman, Eren Yeager -- and yourself -- meet me at the bulwark training grounds tomorrow night. 9:45pm, sharp.” 

Her face scrunched up with confusion, and she nodded her head vigorously before I turned to leave. I heard her take a few steps back down the stairs she had just come up before we had crashed into each other when I called over my shoulder, “Tell Squad Leader Hanji Zoe I request her presence then as well. Not her team: just her.” 

“Yessir,” she hollered back to me, and I made my way to the opposite end of the main hallway to the other spiral staircase that led up to where my living quarters were located. 

With my crutches thrown over my shoulder, I slowly climbed up the steep steps. 

“Why is it always so damn cold here,” I mumbled breathlessly as I trudged along, my ankle violently protesting by thrusting waves of nausea through me, which stemmed from the intensity of the pain. 

When I got into my living quarters, I made my way through the dark to my bedroom, and, for the first time in months, I threw myself onto my bed. I did not bother to pull the covers down as I buried my face into the rough fabric of the clean pillow. 

And I screamed. 

And screamed. 

And I screamed until there was nothing left inside of me. 


	4. Soldiers' Misslieness

**_Misslieness: the feeling of solitariness that comes from missing something or someone you love_ **

  
  
  
  


**_Levi_ **

**_The next evening_ **

  
  
  


The late evening’s pitch was pleasantly quiet as I made my way through the densely wooded dirt path to the private training grounds located at the back of the extensive bulwark property. As the muddy clearing came into view, the gentle flickering of torchlight cast dancing shadows on the faces of the kids and Hanji, who patiently awaited for me to join them. When they noticed my entrance, the kids stood at attention and saluted me. 

“Be at ease, Scouts,” I said with a wave of my hand, my crutch pinched in the crook of my elbow. “There’s no need for such formality tonight.” 

I took my place beside Hanji. At my feet, I noticed a dry branch, and I tossed my crutches into the grass to pick it up. I broke it into sections of four inches while I continued to talk to them. 

“I’ve called you all here to inform you our Commander, Erwin Smith, has reassigned you guys to my squad.” 

A few eyebrows shot up. 

“So, I’m going to train you harder than any previous squad under my command.” 

I took a breath.

“Because I’m tired of seeing my people _die_.” 

I looked into their speechless perplexion, and in their faces I saw only the innocence of youths who were just beginning to bud into the viciousness of the adulthood that had been thrust into their open hands by cruel destiny the day they decided to join the Survey Corps.

“Remove your 3DM gear. Each of you, take one of these sticks,” I said to the kids before turning to Hanji. 

“You too,” I said to her as I passed her one of the sticks, and she looked at me with surprise through the smudges of her thick goggles when she took it from me. 

“Tonight,” I sighed with the exhaustion of yesterday’s sleepless night. “I’m going to start by teaching you all hand-to-hand combat skills.” 

I kept one stick for myself. They watched me without interruption, some of their faces creased in confusion, and once they all had their own sticks, I turned to Hanji again. 

“You shouldn’t be standing on your ankle,” she growled, her brows set sternly. 

“Shut up. This is more important than my discomfort.” I rolled my shoulders to loosen up before continuing. “Scouts, watch closely. Hanji, throw a punch at me slowly.” 

Hanji brought her fists up close to her face, her feet shoulder-width apart with her dominant leg too far back for strong stability; it was a simple mistake that would allow me to isolate and attack her weaker leg, which was also out too far in front of her body. It was a fatal error by the mereness of a few inches. 

“First, grab your attacker’s wrist when their arm is fully extended towards you.”

She slowly hooked her left fist towards my face, and, when the length of her arm was straight, I grabbed her wrist with my right hand. 

“Then, break their elbow.” 

I moved behind her outstretched arm with a quick step, and thrust the palm of my left hand onto her locked elbow, my fingers wrapping around the softness of its crook to stop myself from accidentally hurting her.

“Pull your attacker in the opposite direction of your movement, and, at the same time, move your hand from their wrist to any place on their bicep.” 

I grabbed Hanji’s muscle right above her elbow with my other hand, my chest pressed against the opposite side of her body where I held her bicep, and I moved one leg in between hers as I reached around her body. Before she fell onto the dead summer grass, I traced my stick across the full width of her neck. 

“And you slit their throat before they hit the ground.” 

I steadied Hanji before she fell, and we faced the kids again. 

“If you don’t already have one, get yourself a knife you can keep hidden on your person at all times. The best blades for close physical fighting are between three to six inches from the tip to the base of its hilt. Anything bigger than that is difficult to hide on your body without someone eventually noticing its outline.” 

I clapped Hanji on the back, my fingertips momentarily lingering on the wrinkled roughness of her trademark yellow button down shirt. 

“Let’s go again, but this time, don’t hold back.” 

She nodded at me, and we turned to face each other. My head flicked over my shoulder to the kids as I thought of something. 

“When cornered, you can raise your hands up, palms out, to show submission to your attacker. This motion is just as effective as keeping your fists close to your face, because your position is ready for fighting even though it looks like you’ve given up.” 

I returned my attention to Hanji, and with a nod of my head to show her I was ready, I raised my relaxed hands up beside my face as she swung at me again. In a flurry of movements, her knees hit the ground hard after I mock slit her throat, all in a matter of seconds. I extended my hand to her, and I helped her off the ground as she brushed herself off. Soreness began to rise up my calf from my ankle, but I stubbornly ignored it. 

“Any questions squad?” 

“Uh, yeah,” Jean sauntered to the front of the group, a hand resting on his hip nonchalantly. “Why are you making us do this? We already practiced hand-to-hand combat during our time in the Cadet Core. Isn’t our job now to kill titans?” 

I pointed to him with my stick. 

“I like that you question authority; never blindly accept orders from someone you don’t or can’t trust. But,” I cast a withering glare at him, and he shrunk back a step. “Get your head out of your ass, Jean. Think about the implications of our disastrous mission just the other day. The people who we’re up against look like us. Except, they have the regenerative abilities like that damned lizard boy over there.” 

A few heads turned to look at Eren’s scowl before returning to meet my eyes.

“Our enemies are even harder to kill as titans, so your best shot at taking one down is during a _human_ hand-to-hand fight.” 

Armin’s eyes widened slightly. 

Jean’s jaw dropped in horror as his eyes frantically searched my slight frame over for a hint of humor. 

Sasha gasped. 

“But, Captain,” she cried out, and I put up a hand to silence her. 

“Yes, I did mean _kill._ Your childhoods were stolen from all of you the day Wall Maria fell. At this point, you can’t -- no, _humanity_ can’t -- afford your hands to stay innocent of traitorous blood. It’s a kill or be killed world out there. When you’re face to face with the enemy, who has already demonstrated they have nothing to hold back, you’re fighting for more than your own life; you’re fighting for the survival -- and the _freedom_ \-- of your friends, your family, and the generations of innocent children yet to be born into this godforsaken world.” 

I spat on the ground before looking at the kids again, and Jean’s arms had faltered to his sides. 

“You fight. 

“You kill. 

“And you repeat, even if it means sacrificing your own sanity for our people’s emancipation.” 

Armin came forward to Jean, and he placed a reassuring hand on his friend’s shoulder, a look of determination set into the depths of his pale eyes as his gaze flickered from Jean’s concerned countenance to settle on the steadiness of my own. 

“The only things worth fighting for are the things that can be taken from us,” he said quietly. “To rise above monsters, we must become like them to fight our enemies’ fire with our own fire.” 

I solemnly nodded to him, and Hanji clasped her hands in front of her face, almost trembling with excitement. 

“Oh, Armin,” she bubbled over the tautness of a wicked smile plastered on her freckled cheeks. “Erwin was right about you.” 

I rolled my eyes at her ridiculous antics, my hand resting on my hip as I spoke to the kids again. 

“Now, any questions about the technique I just showed you?” 

A few shook their heads. 

“Partner up and practice the move. Have the person playing as attacker switch up which side they come at you from. I’ll come around to fix your technique after Hanji and I practice for a little first.” 

I faced Hanji as my squad followed my orders, and her eyes, swimming with passionate curiosity, followed Armin intently. 

“Oh,” she squeaked as I grabbed her greasy ponytail to turn her head, refocusing her attention on our task at hand.

“Show me your stance,” I ordered when I dropped my hand from her head. 

She brought her fists close to her face, one by her ear and the other practically touching her lips. Her shoulders were squared with mine, and her feet were still too far apart. I clicked my tongue in disgust over her sloppiness. 

“Hanji,” I sighed as I came to her side. 

“Keeping your shoulders at an angle instead of straight on makes your body thinner, which means there’s less of you to hit.” 

I positioned her shoulders with my hands so they were set at an angle congruent with her feet.

“Your dominant leg is too far back.” 

I stepped behind her to kick the worn metal heel of her scuffed boot to get her to move it closer to the other. 

“It leaves your front leg easy to attack, so I could bring the fight to the ground quicker. Keep your front foot only a few inches in front of your dominant foot. This will keep your balance stronger since your base isn’t spread over such a wide distance, and your attacks will be quicker when your body is closer together.” 

I stood in front of her, admiring the strength of her perfected form with my arms crossed over my chest. 

“You look good,” I absentmindedly mumbled, running a tired hand through my choppy hair. 

Her eyes widened in surprise for a split second, and I immediately regret opening my dumbass mouth at the sight of a delicate blush touching her full cheeks, which was even noticeable in the dim flicker of waning torchlight. My hand smacked my face, my fingers running down my cheeks as I rolled my eyes while she tried -- and failed -- to stifle mischievous giggles. 

“ _Your stance_ looks good, I mean.” 

She nodded her head while biting her plump bottom lip. She winked at me, a flirtatiously broad smile lighting up her brown eyes. I scrunched up my face with disgust and irritatedly clicked my tongue as I slowly hooked my fist towards her damned face.

Our swirling movements had us and the kids dancing about the clearing, the firelight casting long swaying shadows of our light feet against the still trees at the edge of the darkness. We practiced the move until I felt confident Hanji’s muscles would remember it when the adrenaline of a life or death situation propelled her body forward. 

Hanji jabbed at my throat, but my tucked head flew down the length of her extended arm. When my body passed her shoulder, I whipped around to face her back, my hands lowering to my sides. 

“Shitty glasses,” I called to her as she flew around to face me, her breathing heavy as she brought herself to her full height. 

Her hands fell onto her hips, and she cocked her head as she questioned, “Why did we stop?” 

“I’ve been thinking,” I moved closer to her, crossing my arms comfortably over my chest. “You should practice fighting without your glasses on.”

Her aquiline nose scrunched up. 

“Why would I _ever_ do that?”

“If you’re fighting with someone who truly wished you harm, they may target your glasses,” I explained as I gestured towards her goggles. “You need to know how to protect yourself without them on.” 

With a swipe of her thumb, she wiped sweat beads from her upper lip as her mind mulled over my words. 

“You do have a point,” her panting voice trailed off as she began to unfasten her goggles’ belts from the back of her head. 

She tucked them into her pants’ pocket before taking up her stance again, and we circled each other. 

With a quick front kick to her sternum, I pushed her away from me, and she stumbled back a few steps before charging me. Her attack was obviously uncalculated by her uncertain footwork, and it was simple to maneuver around her punches with a flick of my shoulders. We continued on like this for a long while, and Hanji made slight progress towards the end of our time together.

“Take a break,” I told her with a hand on her shoulder, a grimace touching my brow as my ankle protested my steps. “I’m going to work with my squad now.” 

“Levi,” she called to me as I moved away from her. “Use your stupid crutches.” 

She must have noticed the wince of pain cross over my face, and I grumbled to myself as I picked them up, heading towards Armin and Jean to work with them first. 

I made my way around the kids’ circle, correcting flaws in stances and motions. When I reached Mikasa and Eren, I had to admire the way Mikasa moved herself with such a deadly grace. The flow of her muscular body’s technique through her intrinsic knowledge of herself reminded me of a man I had known as a child, who had named me as an Ackerman like himself when all I knew was my first name. 

I had to wonder how that man, myself, and the girl before me were all related. 

When she finished my move on Eren, she turned to me, ignoring him while he sat with his knees on the ground in defeat. 

“ _Sir_ ,” the cool glint of her steely eyes matched my own as she approached me. “I have to hold back when I work with Eren. Let me practice with you.” 

As a hush fell over my squad, I felt their eyes turn to look at us at the implication of her challenge, and I tossed my crutches onto the ground beside us in acceptance of it.

“Mikasa,” Eren indignantly groaned. 

I rolled my eyes at the boy. 

“Is this your attempt at getting revenge for Eren’s beating in the courthouse?” 

She ignored my mocking as she came to stand before me. 

“Listen up kids,” I turned to my squad, cool irritation flavoring my voice as I spoke to them. “You can use long sleeves to your advantage in certain chokes when the fight comes to the ground. However,” I paused as I brought the malice of my attention back to Mikasa, who had silently taken up her stance. I pushed up the sleeves of my black long sleeve shirt to my elbows while rolling my shoulders again. “This demonstration will not get that far.”

“I’ll be implementing my own technique with your move, _Captain_ ,” she sneered as I brought my fists close to my face to match hers. 

We circled each other as my new team and Hanji watched us quietly, and as the darkness of our eyes sparked, I recognized within her the flash of a fury I had known in my own youth. 

The tension between us was like that of caged lions awaiting for the initial flawed attack of our victim. I closed the gap between us first, my left fist hooking towards her glaring face. She lunged past the outer length of my extended arm, her body lowered towards my abdomen as her right arm struck out towards my throat. I caught her wrist with my right hand as her knuckles just barely grazed my chin, and in a rush, I moved behind her as I pushed her body downwards with its own momentum. My chest pressed against her thin back. My fingers wrapped around her elbow to demonstrate the simple effectiveness of the move I had taught my squad, but instead of simply slashing my stick across her neck, I whipped around so we were back to back. With a kick of my leg, I swung her lean body over my own

“Gah,” she grunted in surprise as she landed with a heavy thud onto her clenched stomach, but she recovered quickly. 

She brought one leg under herself to get up, but before she could fully regain the strength of her taller stature, I threw myself onto her back. I used the blades of my forearms to thrust the insolent child’s shoulders and chest into the gray grass like she deserved, which broke the strong build up of her posture. My legs weaved around her waist as I grabbed a fistfull of her raven hair. I jerked her head back up from the mud roughly, and I leaned in close to her ear as I gruffly slid my stick across her throat. 

“You’re dead,” I growled low, and I flung her head forward as I got onto my feet above her body. 

The gray of my eyes lazily wandered over the shocked faces. 

“Tomorrow night, we will go over some basic variations of this move as well as how to counter it.”

Sasha quietly made her way past me to be at Mikasa’s side as I painfully limped over to my crutches, and I hooked them under my armpits before whipping back around to the silent kids. 

“We will be meeting here every night at the same time until further notice. You’re all dismissed.” 

The metallic sounds of the 3DM gear being packed up clinked behind me as I, alone, rushedly hobbled down the uneven winding path that snaked through the darkness of the thick woods. The peg of my crutch caught on the roughness of a hidden rock, and I lost my balance as I stumbled forward. Then a firm hand reached out of the shadows behind me to grab my rolled up black sleeve, steadying me before I fell face first into the slough of mud before me. 

“Let me walk with you,” Hanji softly cooed as she came to my side, her hand dropping from my sleeve and into the depths of her back pants’ pocket. 

“Thanks,” I murmured into the warmth of the summer’s night. 

We walked in silence together until we reached the cool marble steps of the bulwark’s circular back courtyard, and the June’s pale moonlight washed the stone white. Green summer vines stood still in colorful bloom, lacing up the heights of the few tall pillars that flanked the steps. A few of the bulwark’s unshuttered windows were aglow with cozy fireplace light, giving heed that little lives went sleepless late into the night, tucked away in the quiet safety of their living quarters. 

Our footsteps pattered on the marble into the quiet as we reached the base of the few steps. Hanji paused beside me as I gruffly threw my crutches over my shoulders, and she wordlessly offered me her hand. I looked over the roughness of her fingertips for a moment before our eyes met in the milky night light, and I took her hand. She patiently helped me up the stairs, and I noticed her hand had lingered on the edges of mine for a second longer than needed be as we continued on up and through the bulwark’s empty back courtyard entrance. 

When we had reached the end of the elaborate main hallway and closed the ornate door of the spiral staircase behind us, we were thrust into the cold pitch of blackness; no candles were lit against the uneven brick walls. Yet even without flame light, I saw a wicked smile kiss Hanji’s lips as she reached to take my crutches from me. 

“Is this why you wanted to walk with me here,” I groaned in submission as I realized what she was about to do. 

“Aside from the glory of titans and knowledge,” she chuckled as she crouched low for me to climb onto her back. “It is the torment I bring to your life that fuels me, Smalls.” 

With a begrudging sigh, I not-so-reluctantly obliged her aid; my ankle throbbed from my stubbornness tonight. I had to admit, the growing dread of limping up three flights of the chilly spiral staircase to my living quarters had made me contemplate whether or not spending another sleepless night under the flooding starlight of the bulwark’s back courtyard would really be that bad. I took the crutches from Hanji’s hands, and held them across her chest. As we trudged along, I sleepily rested my chin on Hanji’s trapezius to steady myself against her jostling steps. 

“Invite me into your living quarters,” she abruptly blurted out after a few minutes of silence. 

My face scrunched up in confusion. 

“I have something I need to get off my back to you,” she prattled on, and I realized she was referencing the secret of the book she had literally strapped onto her back. 

“Oh, yeah, you’re welcome in.”

She nodded, and then when we reached the landing that led to our separate living quarters, she squatted down to let me off of her strong back. She held the door open for me as I hooked the crutches under my armpits, and fading candlelight from the well-lit hall washed over us.

I hobbled past her to my plain door. After rifling through my sweatpants’ pockets, I fumbled with the brass key in the doorknob, and Hanji lazily leaned her shoulder against the hallway wall next to me, rolling her eyes good-naturedly when I finally got the door open. 

I locked the door behind us, and once inside, I threw my crutches onto the floor by the couch as I made my way to the window across the front room to throw the drapes open. Bright moonlight spilled into the front room, and it was enough illumination to read a book by if I were to sit directly under the pool of pale light. With a sigh, I fell into the scratchy couch cushions, and after I removed my muddy sneakers, I plopped my splinted foot on the edge of the coffee table. Hanji perched herself on the couch’s armrest as she untied her ruddy boot lace, and she messily tossed them in a heap by the front door. Then she slid into the seat beside me, hugging a scruffy pillow to her body. She rested her chin on its hem, her tired lavender lids beginning to droop in protest of what I would expect to be another sleepless night for her. 

The honey brown of her eyes flicked to my face, and a gentle smile played at her lips. 

“Good lesson tonight,” she murmured, and I nodded as I readjusted myself to look at her.

“Mikasa’s open rebellion may become a problem though,” I grumbled, and she slowly shook her head in disagreement. 

“No,” she sighed as she pushed her bangs from her face, “I don’t think that will be an issue after tonight.” 

She paused for a moment as she laced her arm around the pillow, and then she moved to rest her cheek against its hem, turning her face towards me. 

“New Scouts are always a bit temperamental so soon after an expedition.” 

I ran a hand through my hair, and violent flashes of my blades slicing through the Female Titan’s body to rescue Eren during the expedition’s failure crossed over my mind. 

We were quiet for a moment. I scratched the faint scruff on my jawline as I spoke up. 

“Any leads on who killed Sonny and Bean?” 

“Of course not,” she scoffed as she tightened her arms around the pillow. “The MPs don’t care enough about our scientific advancement to take the inquiry seriously.”

“Damn them all,” I breathed as my hand fell into my lap. 

  
  
  
  


**_Hanji_ **

  
  
  


“Damn them all,” Levi spoke with venom under his breath as his open hand fell into his lap. 

His eyes wandered away from my face to travel around the shadows of the room, and they settled on the cold stone of the fireplace before us. A mist of dark memory fell over the gray of his hollow eyes at its sight, and somberance flavored his countenance as his shoulders slackened with heavy grief. The wooden clock on the fireplace mantle quietly ticked the passing time away through the silence between us.

In the moonlight, I noticed the glint of golden lace around his slender throat. A modest engagement ring hung from it, and the band rested against the low rise and fall of his muscular chest. I could not tell what secret memories of himself with Petra had painted the cream walls of his living quarters, but as I peered over at him, the blatant pain of it all was ever-evident against the rising ash of his cheeks. 

“Hey,” I spoke softly as I dropped the pillow from my lap onto the floor, scooching closer to him. 

I took his hand in my own and tenderly traced my fingertips on the raw top of it, drawing his attention back to the hushed present. 

Our eyes met in the dark light. 

“You’ll get through this.” 

His eyebrows raised as he blinked back surprise, but the expression was quickly replaced with the bitterness of his usual deep set scowl. 

“Why did you come with me here,” he groaned, taking his hand from mine to rub his eyes with the base of his palms for a moment. 

A lopsided smirk pulled at the corner of my mouth as his hands plopped into his lap again, and I stood up from my seat. My fingers fiddled with the tiny buttons of my shirt, and his little retrousse nose scrunched up with a grimace as I began to remove my shirt. 

“What the actual fuck do you think you’re doing,” he growled as his face flushed with a blush that traveled down his neck. 

I did not meet his eyes as I shouldered my yellow dress shirt to the floor, and I turned in a slow circle to show him the back of my black sports bra. I reached behind myself to withdraw my weathered research journal from its hidden pouch, and I dropped back onto the couch beside him. Goosebumps traced up my tan skin in the pale moonlight as I held out the book between us. 

“I have many research journals in my possession, some of which are my own and some are from others,” I eagerly whispered to him. “But this is my secret personal one.”

It felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders when I shared this secret with Levi, and he gingerly took the book from my outstretched hand. For a few moments, he quietly flipped through its cockled pages, pausing every once and a while to look over the blotched ink of my writing and blown out illustrations 

“I don’t know why you have this hidden on your person,” he murmured, his eyes flicking up from the journal to my wide-eyed face. “When no one would be able to ever read your gnarly chicken scratch.” 

He closed the book and handed it back to me as he dropped his foot from the edge of the coffee table with a grunt. He rested his forearms on his knees, and he brooded with contemplation. 

“Who else knows about the journal?” His head turned over his shoulder to look at me. 

“No one but you now,” I breathed. 

He nodded. 

“Let’s keep it that way, because something like this will get you killed eventually.” 

“It’s a risk I’m willing to take. If I could only get my hands on the information needed to evaluate the validity of my theories,” I trailed off. 

“Please,” his pleading eyes locked with mine. “Don’t get yourself killed over this.” 

I tucked my journal back into its now not-so-secret hiding place as I reached for my wrinkled shirt from the floor.

“I’m a vampire,” I teased him as I flung my arms through my wrinkled shirt sleeves. “I can’t die anymore.” 

He rolled his eyes as I buttoned up my shirt and readjusted the collar. 

“Did you really need to take your shirt off for that,” he spat at me, and I barked with laughter. 

“I already told you that it’s your torment that fuels my life.” 

“You’re fucking ridiculous,” he gasped as he fell back into the maroon cushions. 

He lazily draped his arm over the back of the couch, and we sat together contentedly in the quiet of ticking time for a while. 

“I should probably get going now,” I broke the silence first as I pushed myself up to my feet, and Levi turned to look at me. 

“Don’t forget about the combat training tomorrow night,” he called after me as I made my way to the front door and slipped my untied boots on. 

I looked at him over my shoulder, my face alight with a polite smile as my hand rested on the cool brass of the doorknob. 

“Not for the world,” I winked as I took my leave. 

Quietly, I made my way down the hallway to my living quarters, and I checked that I was alone before I dug through my sports bra to remove my key. After unlocking the door and entering into the cold pitch of my front room, I went about lighting candles as I did my usual clearing check of every nook and cranny of the disheveled rooms. 

When I was sufficiently reassured the place was empty, I went to the mahogany nightstand at the head of my bed. There, I rifled through a paper bag to retrieve a bolt of finely made thick fabric as well as the wooden box that housed my few spools of strong thread and dull sewing needles. Then I cozied up on the couch with one of the pillows on my lap, where I set up my supplies. With a loud thud, I kicked my feet onto the coffee table, and began to craft the new clothing article to carry the secret of Mr. Smith Sr.’s journal on my body. 

***

**_Levi_ **

**_Mid November, about five months after the Scout’s failed Wall Maria Reclamation expedition_ **

  
  
  


As the months flew past, fragrant summer blooms wilted with the bitter bite of late autumn’s frost, and the white wash of a newborn winter had fallen upon Wall Rose. 

A pale smile almost kissed my frozen cheeks as I freely strode through the chilly main hallway of the bulwark; long gone were the days of my hobbling about with those damned crutches. As my boots pattered down the bulwark’s back courtyard to the training grounds where Hanji and my squad were waiting for me, my 3DM gear jostled heavily against my hips. 

The weight of my equipment was an honor to bare one last time. 

I trudged through the nighttime darkness of the sludgy wooded path, guided by the faint flickering of torchlight in the clearing of the private training grounds. When I came to its murky edge, I saluted my fellow Scouts, and they politely returned the attention. There was a heaviness in my heart as my fist fell from my left breast to rest by my side as I made my way to stand next to Hanji for a final time at the center of the clearing. 

I looked into the glimmer of the young faces before me, and already they had grown remarkably into the strength of budding adulthood since our first training session in June. A tug of sadness nagged at the back of my mind for knowing I would not get to see old age crease the soft flesh around their dream-filled eyes nor see the delicate wisps of salt and pepper streak their fair hair on some faraway day. 

But that would be okay; they would be alright without me.

I threw a smile at Hanji, and her eyebrows shot up into her hairline. 

“Tonight --,” I shouted to my squad.

“-- Are you okay --,” Hanji whispered beside me, a hand over her mouth to feign a yawn. 

“-- We will only be sparring with our usual partners,” I nodded my head as I turned to the taller woman. 

Tonight, smiling came easy to my lips. Not because I was happy, but because I had finally made peace with the lack luster end of my fate, the end of my days, the end of the few remaining moments of my life on this earth. 

Hanji inquisitively eyed me over for a moment, her fists balled up on her hips as she nervously bit her bottom lip. Rolling my eyes with another wide smirk at her curious antics, I took up my usual stance with one fist on my cheek and the other pressed against my lips.

“Whatever you say,” she said under her breath as she unfastened the belts of her goggles behind her head. 

She shoved them into her back pants’ pocket, and then brought her fists into position to match my own. I hooked my right fist towards her face. 

She had been a quick learner, but that was not surprising since I had noticed over the long years we had served together that she was talented at almost everything she set her mind to. 

The simplicity of practicing with Hanji was as brilliant as dancing.

After everybody sparred for almost an hour, I placed a hand on her shoulder, signaling practice was over. She threw her goggles on again as I turned to my squad. 

“That’s enough for tonight,” I called to them. 

Their kicks and punches trickled to a stop as they turned to salute me. 

“You’re dismissed.”

I watched over them all as they began to pack up their 3DM gear, and then Jean went around to extinguish the torches, plunging us into the darkness of a moonless winter night. In pairs they made their way through the black pitch of the snaking path, leaving Hanji and me alone in the clearing. 

“Will you walk with me,” she chivalrously outstretched her elbow to me, but I turned her down with a shake of my head. 

“Not tonight,” I swept my raven bangs from my forehead. “I’d like to practice with my 3DM gear alone for a little while.” 

The warmth of her brown eyes frosted over in deep contemplation, her face pokered as she nodded her head. 

“That’s an odd thing to do,” her head cocked to the side slightly, “don’t you think?” 

I was taken aback for a moment by the keenness of the implications of her simple observation, but quickly regained my composure. 

“You can never be too careful,” I said slowly, my hand flittering down to scratch at the light scruff on my chin. “We don’t really know how nighttime affects titan shifters.” 

“You’re not wrong about that,” she kicked the metal toe of her boot into the mud as she linked her arms behind her back. 

“Well,” she smiled nervously. “I’ll leave you to it then.” 

She swiftly turned away to head down the path.

“Goodbye,” my voice caught in my throat as I quietly called after her, “Hanji.” 

At the sound of her name, she paused, and threw up a waving hand. She did not turn back, and I watched the yellow of her shirt vanish into the black pitch. 

My pale face looked up into the starry night sky, and, like smoke, my foggy breath licked up into the darkness. 

With the swiftness of the accumulation of many years of practice, I unfastened the freshly polished belts of my 3DM gear, and I guided the long metal blade holsters to the ground. My head roved about the clearing a final time for reassurance that I was still alone, and I took a deep breath to ease the shaking that I felt begin in my knees. I kneeled beside the cold steel of the holsters and prepared one of the blades. 

Even with only the crown of twinkling starlight above my bowed head, the finely crafted blade in my hand reflected my face back at me, and I took in the heartbroken sight of myself. My thin eyebrows were pulled up together, and my bottom lip began to quiver slightly as my breath hitched in my chest. I saw the eyes of a man who was prepared to die for his loved ones. 

How was it fair that the light of such a wasted life had flourished so warmly through this useless body? 

_I slowly turned around to face Petyr, and he brought himself to his full height before me, his face calmly expressionless. I heard the resounding slap before I felt its sting against my cheek, my face turned to the side from it. I let my head hang for a moment._

_“I gave you one condition when you asked for my permission to marry my daughter,” Petyr growled low. “How could you have forgotten it?”_

_I looked at him silently, anguish flavoring me like salted meat._

_“It was so simple, especially since you hand-picked her for your team! Do you even remember the one simple thing I asked of you?”_

_“Yes,” I whispered._

_“Apparently not,” he chuckled venomously as he pulled his pants up by his belt, his eyes traversing the wood flooring. He looked at my ashen face again, his eyes bloodshot with rage._

_“My one condition to your proposal was that you never leave her side, and you promised me, Levi,” he spat out my name, and he turned his back to me._

I ran a fingertip down the length of my blade, and a delicate droplet of blood rose to the surface of my flesh like the overwhelming rise of shame inside of my chest. 

How could I not have been able to protect the people I had loved so dearly in this life?

Surely their lives were not meaningless in the cold steel of my eyes. Yet alone I stood in the training clearing, haunted by the vicious memories of their violent deaths. 

_Of course, of all the people I could save, of all the people I had saved, I couldn't save my team again._

_Within the depths of my darkest memories, I heard the violent screams tear through Isabel’s throat. I heard her wail out my name, desperate for my unfaltering hand to tear her out of that titan’s mouth before its putrid teeth sunk through her body._

_“Levi!” Isabel called out to the vast emptiness of the world beyond the walls._

_Then the silence, softened by the delicate rain, echoed through my mind. It haunted my dreams._

_“Levi,” Petra whimpered._

_I could not save her._

I had needed them all so desperately, but, after all of these passing years, I had thought I had grown accustomed to a soldier’s best friend: survivor’s misslieness. 

It was all a facade. 

I had hoped my deep need for revenge would give meaning to my comrades’ deaths and be enough to propel my hopeless heart forward. I was so wrong to think vengeance was all a soul needed to survive. 

_“Baby,” my mother croaked to me from her bed, and I picked myself up off the dirt floor of our brothel room to come to her side._

_I tucked her soiled powder blue sheets beneath her chin, and my thumb stroked the side of her tautly yellow cheek. Her sunken eyes flicked to my face, and the dullness cleared from the depths of their gray wells for a moment when our eyes met. Her raspy breathing softened. She pulled a shaking hand out from beneath the covers, and her bony fingers brushed my long bangs from my face._

_My breath caught in my throat as she began to cough against the anguish of her impending death._

_“Baby,” she whispered through chapped lips, and I curled myself against her side, nuzzling my nose into the already putrid flesh of her slender neck._

_“I will always love you, my little Levi.”_

_What little strength there was to her voice trailed off in failure, and the death rattling rise and fall of her chest ceased. I shut my eyes against it all, and my trembling arms laced around her spindly body, clutching the fading warmth of my mother’s love to my chest for as long as I could._

_“Mama,” I breathed into the emptiness._

_I was alone._

I was alone _again_. 

My breath hitched in my chest as I realized it was not my eyes that were reflected back at me from my drawn blade, but it was the striking gray of my mother’s that peered into the depths of my aching heart.

With one hand, I tugged the hem of my navy blue shirt over my head, and I let it drop into the mud at my boots as I decided it was time to begin it; the time had come for me to meet the bitter end of my lack luster fate. 

  
  
  
  


**_Hanji_ **

  
  
  


I stood under the marble archway of the bulwark’s back courtyard, and the shadow of the dead twisting vines interlaced with my own shadow. With one hand buried in the depths of my back pants’ pocket, my other hand pushed my chin to the side to crack my sore neck as I began to pace back and forth. My hand dropped to my side. 

Something was deeply amiss with Levi; I could feel the striking oddity of his behavior in the marrow of my bones. 

Sure, there had been a noticeable change in him since Petra’s death; he had been avoiding everyone by staying locked up in his living quarters for a majority of the time to the point that he would often miss meal times. But that behavior had seemed typical of a man mourning the loss of one of the only women he had ever allowed to be so intimately involved with his private life and heart. 

Or were we all wrong to assume this was the way Levi would privately deal with his grief -- that one day he would wake up and be himself again? 

I could not deny the strangeness of his personality tonight; he had freely smiled multiple times. He had dropped his usual stern grimace for a somber smile filled with… something I could not put my finger on. 

_“Goodbye, Hanji,” he quietly spoke to my back with a hitch in his voice on the syllables of my name._

Why did he say “goodbye” instead of “goodnight”?

Maybe I overthought the matter. 

I decided I would pester Levi in the morning instead. I took a few steps up the cold marble stairs when I felt a tug at the elbow of my shirt sleeve. 

“Please, go back to my son,” a woman’s voice whispered into my ear, the foggy warmth of her breath moving a wisp of my hair against my jawline. 

I whipped around to see who the woman was, but I was alone. I turned in a circle to find her, but I was totally alone on the steps of the bulwark’s back courtyard. 

The icy pit of my stomach dropped, and a chill of goosebumps traced down my flesh; even though my eyes told me there was no one with me, I could _feel_ that I was not alone on that landing. 

A gust of wind blew past me that had trailed over the tops of the training ground trees, and I lifted a hand up to my face to protect myself from its bitter winter bite. Then I smelled it on the breeze; the iron of freshly spilled blood. With a sharp gasp, I sprinted down the steps, my feet slapping hard on the marble before rustling through the patches of dead grass and frozen mud and down the winding path that led back to Levi. 

Even in the dim light of a moonless night, I saw the paleness of Levi’s exposed upper body from where I stood in the shadows of the wooded clearing’s edge. With a hand on the cold dry bark of a tree, I rested my chin on the top of my knuckles to watch his shaky movements. 

He pointed his sword up to the stars with his head bowed low to the earth, and then with a flick of his wrist, the blade turned to kiss the cold flesh of his left breast. 

“LEVI NO,” I shrieked as I lunged from my hiding place, but he did not react to my scream. 

In a flurry, I grabbed his wrist and dug my fingertips into the opened vein that ran down his forearm. He cried out, and the sword fell from his hand. 

By the time I saw the hand at his other side clench in a fist, it was too late for me to dodge his punch that landed without fail against my cheekbone, but I did not let go of his wrist when I hit the ground. 

“Let me go,” he screamed when he fell on top of me, and he cocked his fist up behind his head. 

I released his wrist as he drove his punch down onto me, but before it could land, I placed a solid kick into his chest, pushing him away from me. I never could have guessed I would be forced to use his own fighting technique against him.

His eyes were wild in stark contrast of the slices of crimson on his pale skin as they flicked back to the sword that rested in the mud between us. He lunged forward, and I collided into his chest to keep him at bay. 

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing,” I bellowed against the crook of his neck as I threw him onto his back. 

He wriggled his shin sideways between us, and his other outstretched leg swept under my own as he extended the one against my stomach, which put him on top of me. With a quick buck of my hips, I created enough space to kick my leg out behind myself, and, as we pushed against each other, we were both able to regain our footing. I pushed his shoulders away from me and brought my fists to my face with my chin tucked low like he taught me. 

The red welt on my cheek smarted, and his ashen cheeks were tear-stained. His lower lip trembled, and the harsh rattle of a broken sob rose through his clenched teeth as his relaxed hands dropped to his sides. Then, suddenly, the wild light of his eyes faded into blackness, and he fell face first into the mud. 

“Levi,” I cried out to him as I came to his side. 

I rolled him onto his back, and gasped.

There was so much blood, and it was hot on my hands. 

“Oh, God,” I moaned into the emptiness, but I could not let the shock paralyse me; Levi would die if I could not act fast. 

My head whipped about the clearing in search of an answer when the glimmer of starlight against the steel of Levi’s 3DM gear caught my eye. 

“Hang on, Smalls!” 

Frantically, I ran to the gear and fumbled to readjust the straps with shaking hands. This was not the time for my experience to falter; it was literally life or death for the man at my feet in the frozen mud. 

When the 3DM gear was secured to my body, I kneeled beside Levi. As gently as possible, I threw him against my back, and I gripped his wrists together with one hand as I pulled the gray ribbon from my hair. I tied it around his bleeding wrists. 

As I flew through the forest to the bulwark, the hiss of the air canisters screaming into the late night’s silence, I was keenly aware that I could not feel the rise and fall of his chest against my back. With my arms crossed over my face, I crashed through the glass of one of the windows closest to the Infirmary, and we rolled on the stone ground. 

Head Nurse Paisley shot up from her place on the rickety bench at the far end of the Infirmary. 

“What is the meaning of this,” she indignantly hollered as her flats crunched against the strewn about shattered glass. 

I lifted my head from the ground as I brought myself to my knees, my trembling fingers fumbling with the red-soaked ribbon around Levi’s wrists. Head Nurse Paisley’s widened hazel eyes met mine as she came to my side, and her hand gingerly rested on Levi’s cold shoulder. 

“It’s Corporal Levi,” I hysterically wailed as I brought him into my arms, and held him against my chest. 

His head lifelessly rolled back as Paisley gasped, and she shot up to her feet. 

“Lay him in one of the beds,” she wildly gestured about, “and then go alert the Commander.” 

With Levi in my arms, I brought myself to my feet and carefully laid the smallness of his broken body on the clean white sheets of the bed nearest us. My fingertips lingered against his forehead before tenderly tracing down the bridge of his delicate nose. I hiccupped. Then I whipped around to run to Erwin’s living quarters. 

My sprinting feet slapped against the stone hallway, and I skittered to a stop in front of the fine emerald door. I harshly rapped against it with sore knuckles, and waited for an answer. 

“Erwin, open your damn door,” I shouted against the wood as I rattled the doorknob. 

I pressed my ear to it, and I heard the dull thwap of heavy footsteps heading to the doorway. When it flew open, I jumped back a step, and Erwin groggily rubbed his eyes. 

“Squad Leader Hanji --” he mumbled, but I cut him off without even bothering to salute him. 

“ -- Erwin, something happened to Levi.” 

  
  
  


**_Levi_ **

  
  


Through the white blurriness, I saw the shiver of warm candlelight. Sharp pain bloomed along the deep slashes of my body, and my fluttering lavender lids struggled against my will to keep conscious. 

But I did not need to see to know _she_ was there with me. 

The softness of her hand cupped my cold cheek, and her gentle thumb wiped away a fallen tear. Tendrils of her raven hair delicately brushed against my collar bone and throat as she bent over me to press her pale pink lips to my forehead. 

I could smell the memory of her finest perfume against her breast as she whispered into my ear. 

“It’s not your time yet, baby.” 

The last thing I felt were her fingertips tracing over my cheekbone as the blackness overwhelmed my broken mind, and consciousness fled from me. 

  
  
  



	5. Bitter Alexithymia

**Alexithymia: the inability to identify, express, or describe one’s feelings**

**Hanji**

**The same night at early twilight**

Vertigo spun my head, and frantic rage boiled within my chest as I slammed my living quarter’s door behind myself; how dare Erwin order me to obey Head Nurse Paisley’s command that I return to my bedroom for the night?

In the hushed pitch of the front room, I tore at the freshly polished belts across my body, and, with a thunderous crash, Levi’s 3DM gear slammed into the wall across the room just beneath my closed window. Angry fingers ripped at the worn buckles of my goggles’ straps, and they clattered onto the hardwood floor.

I hiccuped and tasted cold salt on my quivering lips. I brought my trembling hands to my cheeks, and slowly rubbed my face with soaked palms.

With a rise of nauseous horror, it was too late before I realized what the cold stickiness was that still stained my hands.

“Oh, God,” I whispered.

My clumsy feet jolted forward in the dark to run through the disarray of my bedroom and into the bathroom.

Fading starlight pooled into the small room from the open window above the shower, washing everything in shadows. I threw my bloodied hands onto the sink basin to steady myself as I peered into my reflection through the desilverization spots on the dirty mirror.

Already the side of my face had a swollen bruise growing on it, and the inner corner around my eye had a swipe of deepening purple from Levi’s knuckles. A shaky gasp escaped my lips when I saw the smears of crimson across my face, fresh tears tracing down my cheeks to reveal pale slices of my splotchy flesh.

My hand shot up to my mouth as I crashed down to my knees before the toilet at the rise of burning bile in my throat, and I could not stop myself from retching into the bowl at the sight of Levi’s blood on my skin.

I had had my comrades’ blood stain me before while I held their lifeless hands on the battlefield, but never had I had the blood of a friend grace my flesh after an attempt to take their own life. And this was Levi of all people -- the person dubbed as humanity’s strongest soldier. I knew that stoic man would die some day, as every person who had ever walked the earth was destined to do, but to be cut down by the skill of his own hands?

This was the last thing I had ever expected to happen.

Vomiting turned into dry heaving as my body began to settle on its emptiness. I rested my chin on the cold lip of the seat. With a shaky breath, I let my stinging eyes flutter to a close for a moment. A flash of the memory of Levi’s lifeless body embraced against my breast brought my eyes open with a shot of nausea again.

My fingertips went up to rub my eyes, but, with a grimace at the sight of his blood, my hand fell into the warmth of my lap. With a flick of my head to move a fallen tendril of hair from my face, I picked myself up off of the floor.

I was in desperate need of a shower to wash the stain of death from my skin.

I closed and locked the bathroom door. Goosebumps traced down my skin as I unbuttoned my yellow shirt and shouldered its stickiness off of my body. My hands froze on the zipper of my white pants when my eyes caught sight of the back of my shirt piled on the floor; even without my goggles, I saw that the wrinkled fabric was soaked through with his cold blood. I sucked in a breath and tried to ignore the swirling return of vertigo as I wriggled out of the rest of my clothes.

Despite everything that had gone on tonight, I still had the wits to hide my black sports bra under the rest of my clothes, and before I climbed into the shower, I carefully tucked my butterfly knife between the overflowing trash bin and the base of the moldy bathtub where it would go unnoticed by an unforeseen intruder.

I turned my face up to the flow of the hot water and let the stream wash over me for a moment.

I hiccuped.

My forehead rested against the dewy tile of the shower wall, and the water splashed down my back as the little room filled with billows of steam. The half moons of my chewed-up nails dug into the softness of my palms as my fists clenched with white knuckles. I slammed the outside of my fist onto the tile by my swollen cheek.

Would Levi die tonight?

“No,” I shook my head against the rising salt of anguish.

With a hiccup, I crumpled onto the floor of the bathtub, my arms slinking around my legs to pull them close to my chest as I rested my chin on the tops of my sore knees.

And, bitterly, I cried.

And cried.

And I cried until the vomited emptiness had returned to the marrow of my bones.

The billows of shower steam had fallen, the water’s stream had grown cold, and I had been quiet for a long time when harsh knuckles rapped loudly against the bathroom door. My head jerked up from my shivering knees, and my stomach filled with ice; how could I have so carelessly forgotten to lock the front door of my living quarters?

“Hanji,” the deep reverberance of Erwin’s voice was muffled by the thick wood.

“Hang on,” I called to him as I stiffly brought myself up to my feet, my flittering hand turning the shower knob off.

I wrapped my dingey towel around my body before stepping out of the slick tub, and my shaky hand picked up my butterfly knife. With a flick of my wrist, the blade flew open, and I hid it behind the small of my back as I unlocked the door. It creaked open, and I cracked it just enough to peer through.

My eyebrows came together at the blurry sight of Erwin. He held up the handle of a dented brass candle holder, and the flame light flickered between our faces. The collar of his striped pajamas stuck out at an angle against the tan folds of his military trench coat, the silk embroiderment of the Wings of Freedom sewn into his breast pocket catching the warm light.

“Are you alright,” he asked, taken aback by the welt on my cheek and the bruising around my eye.

“I came alone,” he added, but I took that with a grain of salt.

I kept the knife hidden behind me.

“Yes, I’m fine,” I yawned. “Could you wait for me in the front room so I can get dressed privately?”

“Of course.”

He turned to walk out of my bedroom, stepping over the random piles of junk on the floor.

“But be quick,” he grunted over his shoulder before closing the bedroom door behind himself.

The bedroom was plunged back into darkness, but the edges of my drawn drapes were alight with the glow of a new rising dawn. I opened the bathroom door just enough to stick my head out, and I checked the sides of the walls that were flush with the door frame to make sure I was alone. With a breath to steady the rise of my nerves, I made my way to the closed closet door, and I slid it open to reassure myself that no one but my combat dummy hid in there either.

When I was reassured that Erwin had been honest with me, I went back to the bathroom to get my sports bra. After strapping my blade back to my calf and adjusting the tip of its wooden hilt to jut out an inch or so from the handmade slit in my pants, I threw on a comfortable gray button down shirt. Once fully dressed, I cracked open the bedroom door and looked around the front room to see if anyone besides Erwin was there.

Erwin had opened the drapes of the front room before he had settled into the maroon couch, his forearms resting on his bouncing legs. His head flicked up to me as I shut the bedroom door behind myself, and I made my way to sit beside him.

I curled up on the couch with a pillow against my stomach and brought my knees up to my chest. Then I rested my cheek on my knee, my face turned towards Erwin. He reached for my glasses on the coffee table before us, handing them to me. I pushed their crooked brim up the bridge of my nose.

Our eyes met in the hush of cold morning light.

“What happened tonight,” he sighed as he threw himself into the cushions, his arms crossing over his chest.

Shaking my head, I bit my bottom lip and tasted iron.

“Levi’s squad and I have been meeting up at the private training grounds to practice some hand-to-hand combat skills for a while now.”

Erwin turned to face me again, but my swimming eyes stayed low.

“He just seemed really off tonight, so after he dismissed us all, I -- I don’t know -- I just kind of knew I needed to go back to him and --”

I hiccuped as my aching muscles began to shake again. Erwin put a firm hand on my shoulder, and I turned to look at him.

“And he hit you,” Erwin tentatively questioned me as he looked at the bruising welt on my cheek that traced over my eye.

“No! No, he -- he tried to kill himself,” I whispered. “I mean. . . Yes, he did do that too.”

Erwin squeezed my shoulder before pulling me into his chest, and his arms tenderly laced around me as he rested his cheek on the top of my damp hair. My eyes widened, but I took a steadying breath before wrapping my arms around him too, my legs slinking off of the couch.

“You haven’t come to tell me he is dead, have you,” I chuckled bitterly into the crook of his neck.

He broke our hug and took my trembling shoulders in both of his strong hands, his striking eyes searching my face.

“No, he is alive, for now --” his hands plopped into his lap, “-- but just barely so.”

I nodded my head as his hands clasped together.

“Erwin, what will happen to him?”

He looked at me with a sigh.

“He won’t be executed as per usual punishment for a soldier’s suicide attempt.” He paused. “His punishment for defiling the King’s property will be much worse.”

I blinked.

“What do you mean?”

“A soldier of Levi’s rank, and especially as a man of his skill, cannot be shot down like a dog.” Erwin shook his head. “No, his expertise is too valuable.”

He gulped and ran a trembling hand through his blonde bedhead before continuing.

“Instead, he will be enslaved by the highest ranking political figures within Wall Sina. He will be constantly pumped for military expertise, and then paraded around political galas like some prized pig until his natural death.”

Ice filled the pit of my stomach.

“What,” I shrieked.

Erwin could not meet my eyes.

“There has to be something you can do to stop this from happening!”

As his thick brows came together, he closed his eyes and pinched the brim of his nose.

“Hanji,” his hand dropped from his face, “I’m not sure there is anything I can do.”

“You must try! The Scouts would not be where we are today if it was not for the help of his talent,” I hissed.

“I know --” his hand gestured above his head, “-- but this goes well above my sphere of influence.”

I lifted my smudged glasses into my hair, my face falling into my hands as I pressed the balls of my clean palms into my stinging eyes.

“This is not good,” I groaned as I dropped my hands and rested my forearms on my bouncing knees.

After a moment, he dropped a hand onto my back, and I looked up at him.

“Hanji, I will try to do something for our friend’s sake.”

He paused.

“But in the meantime,” he began again, and I saw the wheels of his enigmatic mind turning as he spoke, “Levi’s squad will be absorbed into yours until further notice.”

I nodded.

“However, it may be for the best if neither of us mention to anyone what has happened to the Corporal for now.”

“I agree.”

We sat in the quiet of early daylight for a time.

“Would you like me to brew you some tea before I take my leave,” Erwin broke the silence first.

“I think I need something a bit stronger than that,” I chuckled darkly.

Erwin pushed himself up off of the couch, and he grinned down at me.

“Maybe that can be arranged for the three of us sometime again.”

A faint smile touched my lips at the thought of life returning to normal, but I knew nothing would be the same again.

With a yawn, I watched Erwin make his way to the front door.

“Oh,” he scratched at the shadow of scruff on his chin, “you are permitted to go visit him now.”

I shot up from the couch as he threw up his hand in farewell, and he closed the door behind himself, his melancholy humming sounding down the hallway in chorus with the echo of his heavy boots.

I whipped around to my bedroom and tore through a pile of clothes on the floor for my wrinkled Survey Corps trench coat. Once back in the front room, I threw my arm down one tan sleeve before drawing the drapes. Then I flew through the front door, and this time I was sure to lock it behind myself before I strode through the empty hallway quietly, shouldering my arm through the other sleeve of my coat.

Morning light trickled through the frost-etched windows of the chilly spiral staircase, but the numbness of my mind made me blind to my surroundings. Suddenly, I was brought back to the present when I found myself knocked onto the bustling stone floor of the noisy main hallway.

I blinked.

A gentle hand reached out to me, and I paused for a moment at the sight of Armin Arlet’s curious blue eyes peering down upon me before I took up his offer of help.

“Section Commander,” he saluted me, and I politely returned the formality.

My eyes darted about the sideways glances of the swimming crowd of faces before Armin brought my attention back to him.

He took a step towards me, his eyes fluttering over my cheek before meeting my eyes.

“Are you alright,” he quietly asked me.

“Yes, of course,” I nodded vigorously, and then my hand patted his shoulder.

His brows furrowed.

“Thanks for asking. I’d love to chit chat, but I really must be on my way!”

I turned on my heel and took a few steps forward before Erwin’s instruction returned to my mind. Whipping back around, I bounded after the bobbing blond head of the boy.

“Armin,” I called after him, and, through the crowd, he made his way back to me.

“Yes, Section Commander?”

“I -- uh,” my fingertips flittered up to my chin before I continued. “Captain Levi asked me to inform his squad that his nighttime meetings with you guys are to be cancelled indefinitely.”

Armin’s eyebrows shot up as I covered a yawn.

“In the meantime, let your squad know to expect a private meeting with me tomorrow.”

Armin slowly nodded.

“Of course,” he murmured, and, in that moment, I realized I had not fooled the boy.

“Anyways,” I croaked, “I really must be off.”

With a rushed salute to him, I strode through the sea of Scouts before he could respond, but the intensity of Armin’s enigmatic gaze burned holes into my sore back as I turned down the quiet hall that led to the Infirmary.

Through the open doors of the Infirmary’s threshold, the chill of winter seeped through the shattered arched window, and the taped-up tarp that covered it flapped against the cold. A shiver crept up my spine as my eyes flicked about the grim faces of the apprentice nurses, searching for the familiar smile of Head Nurse Paisley. At the far end of the rectangular room was a sick bed hidden behind a white curtain, and the shadow of the hunched over Nurse moved about behind it, her busy hands darting over the laid up shape of a person in the bed.

I sucked in a shaky breath before taking a step forward, and I had to talk myself through putting one foot in front of the other. The apprentice nurses did not mind me when I found myself before the white curtain of Levi’s sick bed.

“Is that you, Head Nurse Paisley,” I called out quietly, and the woman’s shadow shot straight up at the sound of her name.

She came out from behind the sheet, her weathered hands straightening out the folds of her red dress skirts beneath the apron of her uniform. Aged creases of worry were deep set on her brow, a look of somberance out of place on a face so accustomed to the warmth of tender smiles.

“Section Commander Hanji,” she weakly smiled at me, her hazel eyes resting on the deep bruising on my face, and I felt my cheeks flush with splotches of pink.

With a nod of my head, I found the sudden thickness in my throat stopping me from being able to return her pleasantry. My brows turned up. She took a step closer to me, and her hand came up to firmly grip my bicep.

“He will be alright,” she squeezed my arm as she cooed.

I hiccupped.

Her hand fell from my side to be buried in her pocket.

“Do you have any questions for me?”

I shook my head, and she smiled at me again.

“You may stay with him as long as you’d like,” she chirped before making her way past me.

I stood still in front of the curtain between Levi and myself, my eyes locked on the crumpled shadow of the man I once knew.

Who now was the man before me now?

With a steadying breath and closed eyes, I pushed the curtain out of my way and entered his makeshift room.

Tentatively, I opened my eyes and took a step forward to stand at the foot of the bed. There was a chair flush against the stone wall by his head.

Levi laid before me, his ashen face relaxed with deep slumber. His black hair stuck out at odd ends. The cream bed sheet was pulled up to his collarbone. I came to his side, my shaking hand delicately lifting up the hem of his covers to see the extent of his self-inflicted wounds. A stretch of fresh cloth bandaging crossed over his left breast. I pulled the sheet down to his waist. His abdomen was bandaged as well. Both of his forearms were bandaged to the base of his elbows. I even noticed the trim of a bandage peeking out from beneath the rumpled sheet that laid on his hip.

Vertigo threatened to overwhelm my swirling head as I yanked his sheet back up to his shoulders. I slumped down into the chair beside the bed, my forehead resting in my trembling hand.

This was the last thing I had ever expected to happen, and I grappled for the language to describe the rise of emotions in my chest as my eyes flicked back to Levi.

I shook my head to clear my thoughts and leaned back into the chair as sheer exhaustion flavored me. I could not fight the heavy droop of my eyelids from another sleepless night, and I succumbed to the welcome emptiness of unconsciousness.

In my dream, I stood on the landing of the marble back courtyard, facing the Scouts’ bulwark. I looked up into the expanse of the moonless night sky, far away stars winking down at me. But then, I felt her presence again. I whipped around towards the woods, and there she was.

She stood a few steps below me without a coat to cover her mussied lavender dress skirts. A delicate finger twisted around a tendril of her long raven hair before falling to her side, and her pale pink lips were upturned in a soft smile. There was an intrinsic warmth about her gray eyes that seemed all too familiar to me, and yet I couldn’t seem to place them.

“Who are you,” I inquired, but she only looked up at me from beneath her lashes.

With ethereal grace, she glided up the steps to stand before me. She leaned in close, her lips beside my ear as my heart raced in my chest. Her hand came up to my face and --

My eyes shot open with wakefulness when I felt the ice of her fingertips trace over the smarting welt on my cheek.

“Thank you, Hanji,” I felt the warmth of her hushed voice brush against my ear.

With wide eyes, my head darted over to look at Levi, who had not moved since I had fallen asleep.

The starlight of a waxing night cast long shadows about the stone walls of the Infirmary, and a gentle hand plopped onto my shoulder, startling me.

“Hanji,” Head Nurse Paisley whispered to me. “It’s late. I think you should go back to your living quarters.”

My hand found hers on my shoulder as our eyes met, and I knew she saw the unvoiced words I kept hidden away under lock and key in my heart for the man beside me.

I nodded, my gaze falling back to Levi as she shuffled past the curtain. I stood up on stiff legs, and my finger traced down the length of Levi’s cheek. My heart fluttered at his warmth against my skin; just last night he had been as cold as death, bleeding out in my shaking arms. A tired sigh escaped my lips. I turned to leave.

As I made my way back up to my living quarters through the lonely hallways, all I could think about was the woman from my dream. A slough of questions filled my mind, but the one I could not shake was the one she had ignored: who was she?

After I locked my front door behind myself, I slumped onto the bed in my room, placing my glasses on the nightstand and kicking off my boots with sweaty socks left on. I didn’t bother to undress; I just laid my head on my drool-stained pillow and went back to sleep.

***

In the cold hours of early dawn, I made my way through the empty halls and down into the dusty basement of the Bulwark; I sought for the sleeping members of Levi’s squad. Before the Survey Corps were gifted with the Bulwark, the basement was used to house the ancient and unused surplus supplies of the Military Police, but the Scouts used it as the shared living quarters for its newest recruits. At this hour, I was sure Levi’s kids were all still tucked in bed, and I crept quietly into the Women’s Quarters to be sure the metal clinking of my worn boots would not awaken the other sleeping recruits.

Mikasa and Sasha shared a bunk, and my hand fell onto Mikasa’s shoulder, who slept on the bottom bunk, my finger pressed against my lips to silence the girl as her eyes shot open.

“Wake Sasha, and then both of you will wait for me and the rest of Levi’s squad in front of the basement hallway entrance.”

Mikasa nodded, and I headed out of the Women’s quarters. Across the hall, I made my way through the rows of bunks lining the stone walls of the Men’s Quarters.

Warm candle light flickered about the room, and its waning yellowed wax dripped onto the thrashed wooden table at the center of the dank room. Piercing blue eyes peered up at me over the edge of a thick book as I shuffled out of the quiet darkness. With a flick of his finger, Armin folded a cockled page’s edge of The Biology of the Natural World within the Walls, and he quietly placed it in front of himself, his fingers lovingly lingering on its frayed red leather cover.

“Section Commander,” he murmured as I stood before him.

“Armin, please round up the rest of the male members of your squad. Wait for me and the female squad members at the basement hallway entrance for our meeting.”

He nodded, his fist coming up to cover a deep yawn.

His clean blond hair framed his pale face, his bangs tracing the purple of sleepless nights beneath his eyes. I couldn’t help but smile at him; he reminded me a bit of myself from when I was young.

What kind of man would this boy become?

He stood up from the rickety bench, careful to lift it back under the table without its scuffed legs loudly scraping against the pot-holed cement floor. As he tucked his book into the crook of his arm, I turned on my heel to make my leave.

At the basement hallway entrance, Mikasa and Sasha patiently waited for me. Sasha’s eyes darted about the darkness before resting on me, and she smiled nervously. We turned to look behind us at the soft echo of bootsteps, and Eren, Jean, and Armin met us at the doorway’s threshold.

“Alright,” I said as I met their curious eyes. “Let’s go.”

I pushed past Sasha and Mikasa for the doorway, and Levi’s squad quietly followed closely behind me as we made our way back to my private living quarters on the third floor of the Bulwark.

When we reached my front door, I ordered them to turn their backs to me. Jean, Sasha, and Eren shot me a look, but they were all obedient. With my head over my shoulder to watch them, I rifled through my sports bra for my key to unlock the door, and I quickly stuffed it away before going inside.

“Come on in guys,” I called back to them as I threw open the drapes.

Pale morning light filled the chilly room, and the kids shuffled inside, looking all around at the piles of scribbled research papers, strewn about dirty clothes with muddy spare shoes, and the scatterings of half empty tea mugs.

“Make yourselves comfortable,” I chirped.

“What is this place,” Jean scoffed, and my eyebrows raised in a glare.

“This is my living quarters.”

“Oh,” Sasha mumbled as she plopped onto the couch cushion beside Jean, who sat in between her and Eren.

Mikasa perched herself on the armrest closest to Eren while Armin stood beside her, his arms crossed over his chest.

I began to pace in front of the ashy fireplace before the coffee table.

“Okay,” I turned to face them, burying my hands in my pants’ pockets. “As you all know, your combat training with Corporal Levi has been suspended.”

I paused.

“In accordance with this change, I have been instructed to inform you that your entire squad will be absorbed into mine. Corporal Levi will no longer be your Squad Leader.”

It took a moment for the shock to register on their faces, but Armin and Mikasa stayed enigmatic.

“No offense, Section Commander, but why has our squad been reassigned to yours,” Jean asked, his arms crossing over his chest.

Sasha fiddled with a loose string on her tan Survey Corps jacket.

I bit my lip.

“The Corporal is. . . unwell at the moment.”

Eren’s flashing eyes narrowed.

“What does that mean,” he hissed.

“It means,” I venomously retorted, leaning forward, “that I am your Squad Leader now.”

My eyes flickered over each of their faces.

“But --” Eren stammered, rising from his seat on my couch.

I raised a hand to silence him.

“By the orders of the Commander himself, you are not to disclose this change in your squad’s leadership to anyone. No exceptions.”

Armin’s arms fell from around his chest, but his face remained placid.

“If anyone is to ask, Corporal Levi is still your squad leader. However,” I breathed, “in actuality, that is not the case. You will report to me separately from my original squad.”

“Section Commander, don’t you think this is a little strange --” Eren persisted, and I pushed my glasses into my hair as he spoke.

“Do not question the Commander’s instructions, and you will not question me,” I cut him off.

Eren gulped, and Jean sat further back into the couch as he ran his fingers through his hair. Sasha’s hands dropped into her lap, her brown eyes following me as I pointed a finger at all of them.

“I need all of you to be of sound dedication to not only the cause of humanity, which is being speared forward by Commander Erwin Smith, but also to the scientific research of my squad. Without the acquisition of knowledge, our ability to pave the way to victory will be thwarted.”

I paused, my head tilted as I looked about the blur of their young faces.

“Ask yourselves: do your loyalties lie within your service of one man, or do they lie within your dedication to humanity’s emancipation?”

Silence fell over my squad, and I caught Armin’s eye. He saw through my ruse to hide the reason for their leadership change.

I liked that.

“There will be no further questions. You’re all dismissed.”

Armin brought his fist over his heart in salute of me, and the others followed his lead before they began to shuffle out of my living quarters. As Eren closed the door behind himself, he shot a look at me over his shoulder, and our eyes met. As I brought myself to the full command of my height, I silently challenged him to continue to question my authority with my arms crossed over my chest. The emerald of his eyes darted to his feet before the click of the closing door latch, and I found myself all alone again.

My arms fell to my sides as I let go of a breath I hadn’t realized I held. I listened to their footsteps trudge down the hallway. Quietly, I moved to my dusty bookshelf beside the ashy fireplace and traced a finger over the weathered leather bindings of fat books I hadn’t read in ages. How much had my life and the world around me earnestly changed since I had once fondly flipped through those yellowed pages in my days as a fresh-faced cadet?

The ticking of my wrist watch brought my attention back to the day at hand, and I looked through its cracked crystal lense to see the minutes of the day were passing me by; it was time to visit Levi.

When I was sure I no longer heard the echo of heavy bootsteps from the newest members of my squad, I made my way down the hallway and paid no heed to the etchings of winter’s frost on the arched window of the chilly spiral staircase.

The main hallway of the Bulwark bustled with focused life, and I weaved through the trickling crowd of busy Scouts for the Infirmary, politely apologizing to the poor veterans I blindly smacked into all too often as my mind was too focused on anything but the present.

During our most recent expedition beyond Wall Maria, the Survey Corps encountered a thick fog that had turned the tides in favor of an abnormal titan, who had wiped out a solid 23% of our soldiers. At our return to the safety of those god-forsaken Walls, the all too familiar black silence of failure filled the broken hearts of my battle-worn brothers and sisters. But it was the fresh salt of sadness flavoring the newest Scout recruit that had caught my eye.

His name was Levi.

I had heard a rumor it was he who had single-handedly destroyed that titan. Yes, “destroyed” was the word gossipers used to describe how the recruit had eliminated the threat. Mike had said it would be more accurate to say that Levi had mutilated it past the point of death.

At first, I thought I had understood what had spurned the man so close to my age to such cold-blooded brutality, but when I saw him alone at the eve of our defeated return, the wild darkness of his eyes unaccompanied by the spirited light of the red-haired girl and his confident friend, it was with deep somberness I realized it had been their memories that had driven him past the brink of despairing insanity.

And yet, a new dedication for the emancipation of humanity drove him through the iron grips of sorrowful pain for their all too expected deaths. It was the bittersweet memories of our fallen brothers and sisters that had created the dangerous flow of deadly grace Levi used to carry himself forward, but how long could the blood-thirst for humanity’s revenge keep him alive?

Not long enough, I’d say.

I found myself before the ornately carved mahogany doors of the Infirmary. For the first time, I noticed its etchings of twining thorn vines, and its delicate rose petals were mid-fall from their strong stems. I could almost hear the buzz of the bees that bumbled along an unfelt breeze upon the aged wood.

With my hands gripping the wrought iron handles of the doors, I took a deep breath and pushed them open.

No apprentice nurses were in sight when a resounding crash of metal echoed off of the cold walls of the Infirmary. My eyes were drawn to a flicker of movement as the white curtains hiding Levi’s sickbed slowly waved about. Behind the curtain, a crumpled shadow shakily crawled to its feet, and my stomach lurched as my body instinctively jolted forward for Levi.

I whipped the curtain open.

The sickbed had been toppled over, its wrinkled bed spread strewn about the floor. A cream sheet was wrapped around Levi’s ankle, and his naked body was propped against a precariously leaning metal medical table, its various clean instruments tinkling to the ground at my feet. Clearly now, I saw the extent of his self-inflicted wounds as the fresh bloom of dark blood began to stain his thick cloth bandages.

“Levi,” I breathed as I came to his side.

Clutched in his trembling fist was a pair of heavy bandage shears. He pointed its tip towards his heart, and its sharpness glinted in the icy light.

Gently, I placed a hand on his bare shoulder, and goosebumps traced up his scarred flesh beneath my smooth palm. With a steady hand, I held his fist and felt the weakness of his aching muscles as his fingers gave way to the pry of mine. I took the shears from him and placed it on the medical table he leaned against. My delicate finger traced over the dark stubble of his jaw to pull his chin towards me.

Our eyes met.

At the spark of recognition, I sucked in a breath of shock when I saw the warmth of my dream woman’s eyes in the gray depths of his, my eyebrows shooting up into the depths of my hairline. Levi’s ashen face remained softly expressionless, and I shook my head to refocus myself.

“Let me help you back into bed,” I whispered into the tender hush between us.

He nodded, his eyes cast low to the mussied blankets at our feet as I picked up the bed. Quickly, I untangled Levi’s ankle from the scratchy sheet, and threw it with its matching plain spread onto the spring mattress before turning back to the man.

His shoulders were hunched over, and his eyes were shut tight against waves of unvoiced pain. I took his elbow and guided him to the bed. With a groan, he climbed under the covers, and I pulled them up to his chin as shivers racked his broken body. I scooted the chair that was flush against the wall to his bedside, and my fingers twined with his under the sheets.

As I held his calloused hand, I tried to not think about what Levi would have accomplished if I had not come to visit him when I had.

Gulping, my gaze fell into my lap as salt burned my eyes. I blinked back the thankful tears of relief for his life, and looked upon the sharp angles of his face again. His closed eyes fluttered against the black of his short lashes, and his soft lips were slightly apart.

Then, suddenly, the curtain was moved aside, and Levi’s eyes shot open as Head Nurse Paisley came to stand beside me.

“It’s good to see you awake, Corporal,” the old woman smiled down to him.

He drew in a shaky breath as his eyes fluttered closed again. Her hand rested on my shoulder as she leaned in close beside me, her breath warm against my ear.

“I must alert the Commander that he is awake,” she whispered before straightening herself.

My fingers tightened against Levi’s hand, and he let out a sharp groan as my head turned to meet the Nurse’s eyes. I nodded at her, the wash of fear at the remembrance of my last conversation with Erwin making me unable to speak, and she left the makeshift room, the metal of her flat shoes clicking down the stone of the hallway for the entrance doors.

“Hanji,” Levi croaked weakly when we were alone again, his head turning to meet my bloodshot eyes. “What is going to happen to me?”

I let go of his hand as I nervously scooted myself closer to his bedside, unable to hold his gaze. I leaned into the wooden back of my chair as I clasped my shaking hands together to steady them, my thumbs fiddling with each other.

A fleeting smile touched my cheeks.

“Let’s not worry about that right now,” I tilted my head as I spoke.

He sighed heavily, and turned his face upwards to stare into the darkness of the arched ceiling before rolling onto his side with his back towards me. He brought his knees to his chest, and, with a shaking hand, he threw the sheets over his head. Only a tuft of his black hair poked out from beneath the rumple of cream covers.

My hand reached out to him, pressing into the muscular expanse between his shoulder blades, and his shaking quieted for a moment.

“Levi,” I whispered. “You’ll get through this.”

He gruffly rolled his shoulder, trying to get my hand off of him.

“Please,” his voice cracked, “leave me alone.”

My hand fell into my lap, and I nodded to him, knowing he could not see it.

We waited for Head Nurse Paisley’s return in haunting silence.

A few moments later, we heard the echo of the entrance doors creaking open, and Head Nurse Paisley’s clicking flats were accompanied by the heavy fall of one set of boots. The curtains were swished open, and the old Nurse stood shoulder-to-shoulder with the Commander of the Scouts.

Erwin’s blue eyes flashed to Levi, who hadn’t moved from his pile of blankets. I stood from my chair at Levi’s bedside, my fist over my heart in salute of my Commander. Erwin politely saluted me back, his eyes flickering to my paled face. Dread sunk my stomach.

“Section Commander,” he greeted me, and I nodded to him. Head Nurse Paisley’s weathered hands were buried deep within her dress skirt pockets.

“Please make this meeting quick,” she spoke with authority, looking at both of us, “because I need to redress Corporal Levi’s wounds sooner rather than later.”

With that, she did not wait for either of us to respond as she turned on her heel, the white curtain falling to a close behind her as she busied herself with other tasks.

Erwin’s eyes met mine as my hand fell back to my side, and he came to stand at the end of Levi’s sickbed.

“Levi,” Erwin barked, but he did not stir.

I touched Levi’s shoulder over the blanket, and he irritatedly clicked his tongue. He threw the covers off of his face, smacking my hand away as he rolled onto his back. With a wince, he tried to sit himself up against the pillow, but he had to fight his body from doubling over with the burning pain. Erwin only watched him struggle as he brought the covers to rest just below his breast bone, hiding most of his bloodied bandages.

Their eyes met, and a deep set scowl blackened Levi’s features.

Erwin broke the intensity of their stare first as he reached into the inner breast pocket of his tan Survey Corps trench coat, and he retrieved a rolled up parchment, its fresh ink staining through its back in some places.

“I am here to deliver your sentence,” he cleared his throat as he unrolled the official paper.

My hand rested on the corner of Levi’s pillow as I watched the Commander read the careful print of his own writing.

“Lance Corporal Levi Ackerman, as Royal Property of the Crown, you have defiled your High Rank within the Royal Military Branch in which you serve, the Scouting Legion, and you have defiled our Lord and Majesty Himself by causing damage to His Property, a crime as so punishable by public execution.

“However,” Erwin paused. “Due to the circumstances of your crime and the unique nature of your particular military expertise, you will not be executed. Instead, you shall, indefinitely, be stripped of your High Rank and placed under the constant supervision of an assigned Superior Officer, who will be appointed at this time by myself, Commander of the Survey Corps, Erwin Smith.”

He turned to me, the striking blue of his eyes meeting mine.

“Section Commander Hanji Zoe, I have named you as Levi Ackerman’s assigned Superior Officer.”

My eyebrows shot up, and my hand fell from the pillow Levi rested against. I took a step towards Erwin as he continued to read from his document.

“Levi Ackerman’s competence to possibly ever regain his High Rank shall be reevaluated by myself with the counsel of Section Commander Hanji Zoe at a later date.”

Levi blinked, his scowl replaced with blank softness.

Erwin sighed as he replaced the parchment within his breast pocket, unable to meet the eyes of his long time friend. He faced me again.

“Hanji, going forward, when Levi is released from his hospitalization, he shall be moved to your living quarters.”

“Yes, Commander Erwin.”

“Do either of you have questions for me?”

I shook my head and looked over my shoulder to Levi. His eyes flickered to my face for a moment before returning to burn into Erwin.

Erwin nodded.

“Then I’m going to take my leave.”

He saluted us, and he strode out of the makeshift room, the curtain whooshing closed behind him.

I turned to Levi, unable to keep myself from grinning.  
“I guess today I should focus on deep cleaning my living quarters then! I don’t think you’d appreciate it in its current state,” I chuckled as I came to his side.

“But I’ll be back to visit you.”

Levi nodded slowly, and I patted the top of his hand before turning to leave.

My body fell into its natural long strides as I made my way through the sea of Scouts to Erwin.

It was easy to find him, and I caught him by the hem of his navy blue sleeve. He paused before turning to face me, and his fist rose to his heart in polite show for the audience of his passerby subordinates. I followed his lead, my face alight with the warmth of a smile.

“Commander,” I breathed, “All I can really say is thank you.”

He nodded slightly, his eyes flickering to the sides of the faceless crowd.

“Of course, Section Commander.”

My shoulders rose with the deepness of the breath I took, and the corner of Erwin’s mouth twitched up in a smirk.

“I’ll see you around, Hanji,” he said as he turned on his heel, his hand falling to his side as he continued down the hallway.

My eyebrows shot up; he didn’t even wait for me to say goodbye. It was odd, but the Scouts were known for being an odd bunch. I shrugged Erwin’s aloofness off as I made my way back up to my living quarters.

***

A few days had passed since Erwin had announced Levi’s punishment for his crimes against the Crown, and Levi had not spoken to me -- or to anyone, for that matter -- since that afternoon.

It had taken me those past few days to clean and organize my living quarters to what would hopefully meet Levi’s freakishly high standards of cleanliness. I had had to choke down the burn of bile in my throat as I took a damp rag to my dried bloody handprints that had still stained my bathroom sink until just the other night.

But I pushed those thoughts out of my mind as I made my way through the empty halls that led to the Infirmary, the torches’ flamelight dancing against the cold brick walls. My clinking steps bounced with giddiness over the good news of Levi’s release from Head Nurse Paisley’s care tonight, and I triumphantly pushed the ornate hospital doors open, my beam lighting up the chill of the dark room.

Head Nurse Paisley stood at the end of the long room, and she returned my smile as she gestured for me to meet her behind the curtains of Levi’s makeshift room. My bootsteps echoed off of the walls before I ducked inside behind her.

Levi sat in the chair beside his made sickbed, his hands gently clasped in his lap. He was dressed in a long sleeved gray shirt, its shallow v-neck showing the frayed edge of fresh bandages. He nervously plucked at the hem of his sleeve, trying to cover the bandage on his left forearm. I was taken aback to see him wearing his black sweatpants; I knew he had pajamas, but I had never seen him wear a pair.

His shallow eyes flicked up to my face as the curtains swooshed closed behind me, and I smiled at him. He looked down at his feet as he bit his bottom lip.

“Section Commander,” Head Nurse Paisley turned to greet me, and we clasped arms.

“It’s good to see you,” she continued as she went to stand at Levi’s side, her hand resting on the top of his chair.

“Now, there are a few stipulations to my agreement of the Corporal’s release into your care.”

I nodded for her to continue, and she looked at me sternly.

“It is very important that you help him change his bandages in the morning when he wakes up and right before he goes to bed. If you notice any bleeding throughout the day, remove the bandages, apply pressure with clean gauze until the bleeding stops, and then redress the wounds with fresh bandages. If the bleeding lasts more than a few minutes, either come get me or bring him to me. With the deepness of the wounds, it may be likely that we will have to eventually cauterize them if the stitches continue to be torn.”

Levi crossed his arms over his chest, but he winced. They dropped into his lap.

I grimaced.

“Please come back to me for a visit within the next five days. If any of the wounds show even the slightest hint of infection, come for me immediately. As everything continues to heal up, in the coming weeks we will begin physical therapy so that the transition into relearning to use 3DM gear will be as smooth as possible. It will be very painful, but --” she placed her hand on Levi’s shoulder, and he looked up into her laughter lines -- “we’ll have you back on your feet and in tip top shape in no time, dear.”

Head Nurse Paisley squeezed his shoulder, and his hand came up to hers, patting its wrinkled top.

“Section Commander, if you need anything, please don’t hesitate to come to me or any of my apprentices.”

“Of course!”

“Do either of you have any questions for me?”

Levi and I shook our heads, and she buried her hands into the pockets of her red dress skirts.

“Well then, I have one more thing for you, Corporal.”

Head Nurse Paisley strode out of the room, and I hopped onto the edge of the sickbed beside Levi.

We waited quietly for a moment before she returned, the smoothness of a black cane held in her steady hands.

She stood in front of Levi and held the cane out before him. He hesitated for a moment, and then sighed as he used one chair arm to help himself up as he took the cane from her. He balanced the rest of his weight on it. I stood beside him as he shakily came to his feet, and my hand touched his elbow before nervously coming back to my side.

“That’s everything I have for the both of you,” Head Nurse Paisley smiled at us.

Levi nodded.

“Thank you for everything you’ve done,” he murmured.

Their eyes met, the tension of a silent conversation passing between them.

“I will always be here.”

“Well,” I quietly interrupted, “it’s best that we get on our way if we want to be sure to not run into anybody on our way up to my living quarters.”

The Nurse nodded.

“Have a wonderful rest of your night,” she saluted us.

I returned her salute as I hopped off of the bed, my hand smoothing over the covers to ruffle out its wrinkles. I walked to the curtain, holding it open for Levi to pass through. As he hobbled into the main walkway of the Infirmary, Head Nurse Paisley and I looked at each other, and she winked at me. I smiled and let the curtain fall between us.

Levi leaned all of his weight onto the cane as I came to stand beside him, a wince of pain flavoring his scowl, and I linked my arm through his.

The walk to my living quarters was a long journey for Levi. By the time we reached the spiral staircase and I squatted low for him to climb onto my back, he panted heavily without protest as my arms slinked around his thighs to hold him up.

Levi buried his face into the crook of my neck and groaned through gritted teeth with each jostling step.

“Don’t worry; we’re almost there,” I huffed as my feet pounded against the frosted stone.

At the top of the third floor landing, I began to lower myself, but Levi’s arms squeezed tighter against my collar bones.

“No,” he whimpered, “please, let’s just keep going.”

“Alright,” I said as my tired muscles brought me back up.

Levi had grown silent as I quietly walked down the hallway towards my living quarters, and I broke the silence when we stopped in front of its doorway.

“I’m sorry, but I need to put you down.”

One knee rested on the wood floor, and my hand gently touched Levi’s wrist for a moment before he stumbled off of my back. He rested his weight onto the cane again, and his shoulder slammed into the side of the wall as I rifled through my bra for my key. I threw the door open as he began to slide down the wall, and I hooked my arm around his waist, throwing his arm over my shoulders.

We shuffled through the darkness of my front room, and my bedroom door flung open with a kick of my boot. Levi leaned into me, beads of sweat from his forehead brushing against my jaw as I pulled the sheets back and helped him to sit on the bed. He fell against the pillow, and he laid on his side limply in the dark, his eyes struggling to stay open.

I took a step back and gulped; he was weaker than I had realized.

“Hanji,” he panted, “will you help me get my legs onto the bed?”

“Yes!”

I rushed to his side, and he arched his back to help me push the covers down farther. I lifted one of his legs, and he cried out, his hand shooting down his thigh to grip the fabric of his sweatpants with white knuckles.

“I’m sorry!”

“It’s okay,” he groaned.

His cheeks puffed out with a breath through gritted teeth, and he helped me lift the other leg. Then he pulled the covers up to his chest, his eyes resting for a moment.

He turned his cheek towards me.

“I’m sorry I’m taking your bed,” he spoke with closed eyes.

“Shut up,” I chuckled, sitting on the edge of the bed. “I’m a vampire. My kind doesn’t sleep.”

The corner of his mouth twitched, and I smiled at that.

“Would you like me to bring you a cup of tea?”

His eyebrows raised with his shoulders, and he pulled the blanket closer to his chin.

“That would actually be wonderful, Four Eyes.”

I rolled my eyes at the nickname as I stood up, heading to the kitchen.

After the water boiled in my kettle and the fine leaves had steeped, I brought the warm porcelain cup with my own back into the bedroom.

Levi had not moved from his position, but his face had relaxed, his lips parted softly.

“Hey,” I whispered, setting the cup on the nightstand at the head of the bed as my other hand gently shook his shoulder. “Levi, I have your tea.”

His lavender lids fluttered open as he rolled onto his back. Shakily, he propped himself up with his elbow and reached for the cup beside him.

“Thanks,” he mumbled after taking a sip, smacking his lips against the burn of the boil.

With the flick of a match, I lit a few candles around the room, washing the cream walls in the glow of light.

“I didn’t think I’d have to warn you that it’s still pretty hot.”

I plopped onto the foot of the bed, curling my legs up underneath myself.

He held the cup with both hands, his eyes coming up to meet mine.

I sipped my tea.

“Hanji,” he started, his voice husky.

He set the tea down, a flashing wince crossing over the gray of his eyes as he reached out to touch my face. A trembling finger traced over my cheekbone and brushed over the ebb of purple, green, and yellow beneath my eye.

“I am so sorry I hurt you.”

His hand fell into his lap, but I took it in mine, lacing our fingers together as I leaned closer to him.

“Levi, shut up. There are more important things to be concentrated on than that part of the past.”

“The past,” he retorted bitterly. “You mean just a few days ago?”

I bit my lip as he looked away.

“All that matters is that you are here now.”

“Does it really?”

I sucked in a breath. Hesitantly, my finger pulled his chin to look at me.

“The other day, I told you that you’d get through this.”

He nodded, our eyes locked.

“But I was wrong to say that.” I paused. “You are not alone. What I meant to say was that we will get through this together.”

He squeezed my hand and sighed as he pulled away from me.

“I think I should get some sleep.”

My hand ran through my bangs as I looked at the floor.

“Alright.”

I drank the rest of my hot tea before making my way to the bedroom door.

“I’ll be on the couch if you need anything,” I said over my shoulder.

Levi was silent, and, as the door quietly clicked closed behind me, I hiccuped.


	6. Gnossienne

**Gnossienne: a moment of awareness that someone you’ve known for years still has a private & mysterious inner life**

  
  
  


**_Levi_ **

  
  
  


The smoothness of a warm hand touched my shivering shoulder, and my eyes shot open in the darkness of Hanji’s bedroom. 

Hanji sat on the edge of the bed beside me, her brows close together with the etchings of worry creased into her tan skin. Even in the dim flicker of candle light, the burn of bruising around her eye made my stomach lurch with icy shame. 

“Levi,” she murmured, “you’ve been shivering all night. I found a spare blanket to cover you with, but it doesn’t seem to be helping.” 

She bit her bottom lip as my teeth began to chatter. 

“I think you should sit in front of the fireplace.” 

Wincing, I propped myself up on my elbow, and Hanji pulled the covers off of me. Then she gripped my biceps to help me sit up as I began to push my legs over the edge of the bed. A flash of pain crossed over my face as my feet touched the floor. 

“Let me get you your cane,” she said as her hands dropped from my arms. She strode over to her closet and pushed one of the sliding doors open. She must have stored it in there while I slept because I didn’t remember her putting it away last night. 

Hell, I hardly could remember getting into bed because of the mind-numbing pain. 

“Okay, here you go,” she stood before me, her hand outstretched with the cane. 

Hesitantly, I took it from her, pushing all of my weight onto it as I brought myself up to my feet. 

Shots of pain laced up my thighs as I limped my way through her bedroom. Hanji followed close behind me, her gray comforter bundled up in her arms. 

I stumbled out of the open doorway and into the front room. Even though it was across the room, I could feel the heat of the crackling fire against my cold cheeks, my teeth chattering harder at the rise of goosebumps on my flesh. 

With my bruised forearm braced against the cream wall, I dragged my aching legs around the room’s perimeter to the fireplace. Hanji dropped the comforter in a heap at our feet, her arm slinking around my waist as she helped me lower myself down onto the ashy stone. As I fell onto my ass, her gentle hands slid up my back, grazing across my traps before she reached over me to take the cane from my hand. After setting it on the coffee table beside her, she hunched down to grab the comforter. Carefully, Hanji draped it over my shoulders. 

My hands shook as I flicked up the cover’s edge over my head like a hood, resting the side of my face against the mantle’s vesicular edge. My lavender lids closed, and my lungs filled with a deep breath as the warmth of the fire washed over me. 

Hanji plopped down across from me, and my eyes flicked open to watch her bring her legs close to her chest, her arms wrapping around her shins as she rested her chin on the tops of her knees. She smiled weakly at me, but a grimace crossed my face when I looked at the place where my knuckles had tasted her skin. 

Instead, my downcast eyes watched the dancing flames. 

“How did you sleep,” she asked me. 

I sighed, trying to find my voice. 

“Okay, I guess.” 

Hanji nodded, going quiet for a moment. Then her head shot up, flamelight caught in her amber eyes. 

“Levi --” she reached across the space between us to touch my wrist “-- how do you feel about a cup of tea?” 

I rolled my eyes. 

“Is that really even a question, Four Eyes?” 

She grinned. 

“Well, if you lend me your living quarters’ key, I could get your personal stock of tea and brew you a cup of that instead of whatever cheap shit I’ve got stuffed in my dusty pantry.” 

A scowl lit my face with the memory of how she reacted to the folded socks in my undergarments drawer. 

“You won’t go snooping about?” 

“Cross my heart and hope to die,” she chirped as she brought herself up to her feet. 

My shoulder ached as I dug through the depths of my sweatpants’ pocket, and then I handed her my brass key. 

“Alright.” I paused. “I keep my tea in a small box on the lowest shelf of the kitchen cabinet closest to the sink.”

She took it from me, our fingers touching for a moment as a soft blush kissed up her neck. 

“Will you be alright without me for a few minutes,” she murmured into the flickering darkness of the room as my hand dropped from hers. 

I shouldered the blanket back up around my face, my eyes low. 

“Yes,” I hissed, unable to meet the look on her face. 

She nodded before walking past me. 

“Hanji, wait,” I called after her over my shoulder. 

She paused in front of the door, her hand resting on its cold knob. 

“Thank you.” 

She flashed me a toothy smile as she left the room, the front door quietly clicking closed behind her. 

Waves of goosebumps licked up my skin as my body would relax for a moment, but then I was overswept in another bout of shivers. My sore muscles began to grow stiff when I heard Hanji jam her key into the front door, and then it swooshed open. 

I didn’t look up as Hanji made her way to stand beside me, but then she bumped the worn spine of a hardcover book against my arm. I gasped when I recognized its cover. 

“Dammit Shitty Glasses, you promised me you wouldn’t go through my shit!” 

She laughed as I took the book from her, my splintering tea box clutched against her chest. She spun on her heel to head towards the kitchen while I opened the book to its front page.

“I didn’t pick you for the historical romance type,” I heard her giggling over the clinking of the dishes in the sink. 

I clicked my tongue. 

“It was a gift.” 

“Oh,” she practically sang with amusement over my seething. “From who?” 

“Isabel.” 

The clinking paused for a moment. Then Hanji set her metal kettle on the stove. 

  
  
  


_“What do you have stuffed up your shirt,” Farlan growled low as we walked down the dirt street._

_Crumpled papers, empty tin cans, and torn strips of clothing were strewn about the red dust of the road. I was careful to avoid puddles of rotting piss that were hidden in the black shadows of the sputtering oil lamps._

_I whipped around to look at Isabel with narrowed eyes, walking backwards as the green of hers avoided mine. She nervously pulled the frayed hem of her stained hood closer to her mussied cheek._

_“N-nothing, brother,” she smiled weakly at her holey boots, her other arm clutching something under her orange shirt to her stomach._

_With an exasperated sigh, I turned back around, a silent look of befuddled irritation passing between Farlan and me._

_After a few turns down winding alleyways, our feet pattered up the cracked mud steps and into our stucco house. I locked the splintered door behind myself while Farlan unlaced his tattered shoes. Isabel kicked off a boot._

_My arms crossed over my chest as I stood in front of her. She froze mid kick, and her boot slipped off of her toes._

_“What did you steal?”_

_Farlan sat on the back of the brown couch, smirking as he watched Isabel squirm with her back against the cold wall. She sighed defeatedly as she lifted up her shirt, sucked in her stomach, and pulled a thick something out from where it had been tucked into her worn waistband. She picked herself up off of the floor, her fingers drumming against the hardcover book in her hands. Her eyes lit up as they lifted from her moth-eaten socks to my face._

_“Wait,” she yelled as she dashed out of the living room and into the room all three of us slept in._

_I turned to Farlan, my arms falling to my sides._

_“What the fuck?”_

_He shrugged, chuckling as he scratched the blonde scruff on his chin._

_Isabel’s feet pounded on the wood floor as she flew back into the living room, huffing when she came to stand in front of us. Then she bowed her head low with her arms outstretched, the book held out for me to take from her._

_“I stole this for you, big brother,” she squealed._

_My eyebrows shot up as I took the book from her, its black cover smooth in my hands. She straightened herself up and wrung her hands with a bright smile painted on her dimpled cheeks._

_I gulped as I flipped to the front page to read its title:_

Of Rust and Romance: A Tale as Old as the Walls. 

_Under that was Isabel’s chicken scratch in smeared fresh ink,_

_‘For my big brother’s 19th birthday,_

_‘Farlan and I really love you,_

_‘Love love love,_

_‘ -- Isabel’_

_I closed the book and held it to my chest. My other hand grabbed the back of Isabel’s shirt to bring her to me. My cheek rested on the top of her head for a moment, a soft smile playing at my lips._

_“Everyone wants to find love,” she laughed as she wrapped her spindly arms around me. “So I found it for you!”_

_I had forgotten it was my birthday._

_“Thank you,” I murmured through my thick throat as we pulled apart, Farlan clapping me on the back._

_But they had not._

  
  
  


“Hanji,” I swallowed. “What day is it?” 

The last time I had looked at the calendar, it had been June. But all around me, summer’s warmth had faded into the bitter cold of another lonely winter. 

The crackling of the fire lilted like Isabel’s laughter, reminding me of how alone I felt. 

Hanji sighed from the kitchen as she brought the tea into the front room, setting the hot kettle on the coffee table beside us. Then she settled down across from me before she handed me a steaming mug. 

I blew on the surface of the tea. 

Hanji’s glasses fogged over, and she pushed them into her hair, her bangs framing the delicate angles of her face. 

“I think it’s around December seventh,” she paused as she tapped her chin, “but I could be wrong about that.” 

I nodded, quietly perplexed at how I had survived to see my 27th birthday. My arm clutched Isabel’s book against my beating heart. 

How had I always managed to outlive everyone around me? 

I sipped my tea. 

“What’s your book about,” Hanji broke the heavy silence between us. 

My eyebrows raised. 

“Uh,” I stuttered. “It’s -- uh -- just about some guy who’s helping to construct the Walls, and he meets this girl, and -- uh -- y’know, they just fall in love.” 

I gulped. Hanji smiled. 

“How many times have you read it?”

“Pff,” I ran a shaky hand through my hair with a wince. “Too many times to count, really.”

Hanji took a long swig of her tea. 

“I’d kill for some honey,” she looked longingly into her mug. 

“Hanji, what kinds of books do you like to read -- outside of your usual science bullshit?”

Her eyebrows shot up as she blinked, her hand flittering up to bring her glasses down onto her face again. 

“I really don’t read much outside of research papers and non-fiction, but if I had to pick a genre for my non-existent leisure time, I’d have to say --,” she paused, her eyes fixated high on the fireplace mantle. 

“-- fantasy!” Her eyes fell on my face, and I rolled mine. 

“What’s with you and fucking vampires?” 

“I never said that _that’s_ what I’d do with a vampire!” 

She smirked, and a blush crept up my neck at the thought of Hanji…

_No._

I scowled, drinking more of my tea so I wouldn’t have to look at her damned ruddy cheeks.

Hanji’s lowered eyebrows came together, and she stretched across the empty expanse between us, the palm of her hand resting on my forehead. I pulled away from her, but she didn’t drop her hand. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” 

Her hand slid from my forehead to cup my cheek firmly. Then she brought her knuckles up to my skin as her hand went down to touch my throat, my breath hitching at her touch. 

“You’re burning up,” she whispered, biting her bottom lip as she brought herself up to her knees. 

“How are you feeling?”

“Like shit,” I begrudgingly groaned as she came to sit beside me. “But that’s to be expected.” 

“Yeah,” she shrugged. “But you shouldn’t be so cold after sitting in front of the fire with a blanket while drinking a piping hot cup of tea!”

I didn’t want to admit she was right, so I avoided her peering face by looking at the fire again.

“I think we should check your wounds.” 

I turned to face her. 

“Why?”

My stomach filled with ice. Her hand fell on my shoulder, her thumb softly rubbing me. 

“I’m scared you’re still bleeding.” 

She shook her head.

“I think you’re showing symptoms of a lot of blood loss.” 

Head Nurse Paisley’s words rang out in my head: 

_“With the deepness of the wounds, it may be likely that we will have to eventually cauterize them if the stitches continue to be torn.”_

A shudder crept up my spine.

“Alright,” I mumbled as Hanji took the tea cup from my hand and pulled the comforter off of me. 

“Let’s take your shirt off.” 

I nodded and then went to lift up my long sleeved shirt. With closed eyes, I pulled its hem to the base of my ribs before a painful whimper escaped from my unwilling lips. 

Hanji drew nearer. 

“Let go,” she whispered so close to my throat, her hands tugging the shirt over my head. 

Why did I suddenly want to feel the softness of her lips on my ear? I kept my eyes shut. 

She gasped. 

“I’m going to get Head Nurse Paisley,” she cried out.

“What,” I yelled, my eyes opening to look at myself. 

As soon as I saw the hot blackness of my once white bandages, I knew Hanji was right. Thin streaks of blood had even dried on the expanses of pale skin beneath the bandages. How had I not even felt myself bleeding through my own shirt?

Hanji fled from the front room, slamming the front door behind herself.

  
  
  
  


**_Hanji_ **

  
  
  
  


The bulwark’s serpentine halls were nothing more than blurs of glowing torchlight as my bare feet pounded the way down to the Infirmary. Panting, I burst through the grand doors, and the apprentice nurses halted their scurrying. Head Nurse Paisley’s flats echoed off of the stone walls as she rounded the corner from her private office and into the ovular room. The creases of her scowl softened when she saw the ruckus was from me. 

“My, Section Commander, you always know how to make quite an entrance,” she chuckled as we met in the center of her Infirmary. 

We clasped each other’s forearms in greeting, a smile warming her delicate features. 

“I honestly can’t say I’m sorry for barging in like this.” 

I pushed the brim of my slipping glasses back up the bridge of my nose. Her brows furrowed. 

“What’s wrong, child?”

She took my elbow, ushering me towards the doors and away from prying ears. 

“It’s Levi,” I breathed close to her. “He’s bleeding badly through his bandages.” 

Her teeth worried her lip as she clasped her hands together between us. 

“How is his complexion?” 

“Pale -- paler than usual. He can’t stop shivering even though he’s sitting in front of the fire with a blanket and a hot cup of tea. I decided to come to you when I realized he was sweating.” 

Head Nurse Paisley’s eyes darkened as she nodded, her hands falling to her sides.

“I was afraid that it may come to this.” 

Her voice had become gravely quiet. She turned on her heel.

“Wait here,” she called over her shoulder as she made her way back to her office. 

I shuffled my weight from foot to foot, a hand nervously squeezing my bicep until she popped out of the hallway. A weathered leather bag bounced against her hip as she walked down the Infirmary, but she didn’t pause when she passed me. 

“Take me to your living quarters.” 

Jogging to keep up with her long stride, we trudged the distance back up to my plain door. I opened it, gesturing for the Nurse to go in before me. 

“Hello Levi,” Head Nurse Paisley smiled as she went to kneel beside him in front of the fireplace. 

I locked the door behind myself. 

Levi was still shirtless, the black of his bloodied bandages a stark contrast against his ashen skin. He had brought his legs up to his chest with his elbows resting on his knees. I sunk into the couch, and he grunted in acknowledgement of her. 

“How are you feeling?” 

Her wizened hand checked the pulse in his neck as her fingers felt his clammy face. 

“Not good,” his words slurred together over the gravel of his voice. 

The Nurse nodded.

“I need you to take off your pants so I can check to see if you’ve bled through the bandages on your thighs too.”

I sat on the edge of the scratchy cushions, biting my cheek.

“I can’t get up,” he croaked.

“I’ll help him, Nurse Paisley.” 

I flew to his side. She shifted over as I got to my knees between Levi’s legs. His shaking hands didn’t have the strength to pull the waist of his sweatpants down. I took them into my own, squeezing them as our eyes met in the flickering firelight. 

“Don’t worry about this,” I whispered as my hand gently pushed his chest down, my fingers hooking into his waistband. 

He wriggled his hips as much he could through the violent shivers that wracked his body, and I was careful to fold his pants just the way he liked before setting them on the coffee table beside us. 

“Thank you,” Head Nurse Paisley placed her hand on my shoulder. “Now go sit back down.” 

“Yes ma’am.” 

She was quick to put herself between Levi and where I settled back onto the couch, but I knew by the way she sucked in a breath through gritted teeth that what she saw was not good. Her hand touched Levi’s cheek, her thumb tenderly rubbing his cheekbone. 

“I’m so sorry, Levi, but no amount of applied pressure will stop this much bleeding.” 

My heart quaked within my chest. 

“These wounds need to be cauterized immediately.” 

She turned herself to look at my colorless face. 

“Hanji, you should leave for this.” 

The light had left her, but all I could see was Levi lying at her feet with his cheek pressed against the stone beneath him, his fearful gray eyes steady when they met mine. 

Everyone in Levi’s life had left him. Could I do the same now; condemn him to be alone?

“Hanji,” he cleared his throat. “I’ll be alright.” 

My legs brought me down to his side, my fingertips brushing his inky hair wisps off of his sweating forehead. Shaking my head, I smiled

“I can’t do that. I promised you we’d get through this together.” I tore myself from his gaze, beholding the dance of shadows across the Nurse’s face. “Please, don’t make me leave him now.” 

Her brows raised, a knowing smile dimpling her wrinkled cheeks. 

“Alright child.”

She reached behind herself and began to rifle through her leather bag as I stood to light my melted candles. 

“Unfortunately, there’s been a shortage of good antiseptics, so we’re going to have to prep the procedure sites the old-fashioned way.” 

She placed a few rolls of clean bandages and a mountainous pile of fresh gauze on the coffee table behind us before turning to me again. 

“Hanji, we will need to use soapy hot water to wipe away as much blood from the wounds and the surrounding skin as possible. Could you bring three big bowls of it here with as many washcloths as you own?” 

I jumped to my feet, heading for the kitchen. After filling the steaming bowls and setting them on the coffee table, I brought the clean cloths in from my bedroom. When I sat on my knees beside Levi again, I noticed the thick shishkabob-looking rod heating up in the fireplace flames. 

“Now,” the Nurse cleared her throat, bringing my attention back to her. “We’re going to start with removing the soiled bandages one wound at a time. Then we’re going to take a damp washcloth to the skin around the wound before dabbing -- with firm pressure -- the actual injuries.” 

She gestured to the coffee table behind us. 

“I asked you to bring three big bowls because we’re going to try to limit the cross-contamination between the skin and the wounds as much as possible. The first bowl will be used to get the cloth wet. The second will be used to rinse the towel after you’ve used it to wipe the skin. The third will be used to rinse the towels that have been applied directly to the injuries. After you’ve rinsed those ones off in the last bucket, do not use them on him again.” 

Her eyes bore into mine, and I nodded. She took Levi’s hand into her own and patted its top. 

“The only thing you need to do, Levi, is to let us know if we could be more gentle, alright?” 

She flashed him a toothy smile. His scarred shoulders rose and fell with the deepness of his breath as she placed his hand on his chest. 

In silence, Head Nurse Paisley and I started with Levi’s arms before working our way down to his sides, ending with the worst injuries on the inner parts of his thighs. When the clear water was stained red, the Nurse had me change it out while she continued to work. Even though winces and grimaces darkened Levi’s face every so often, he stayed quiet. 

Eventually, she sat back on her heels, brushing loose tendrils of gray hair from her face with a flick of her wrist. I watched her swallow before our eyes met. 

“Now that he’s all cleaned up and the rod is sufficiently hot, it’s almost time to begin the procedure.” 

Levi closed his eyes. 

“Hanji,” she cleared her throat. “It’s very important that you help him keep up with the wound aftercare. Once I’ve finished, I will not bandage him up. Do so within the next few hours. When you do that, be sure to apply this special ointment I’ve made.” She gestured to a small mason jar I hadn’t noticed her take out of her bag. “You’ll do this each time you dress the burns. It’s very important that the burns are not washed for the next 5 days, but he can take sponge baths.” 

I nodded. Her face was hooded with pain before she looked at me again. 

“Let’s begin,” she sighed. 

I blinked back the rise of fear within the depths of my bones. 

“What can I do to help?” 

She eyed me over. 

“Remove your belt, and hold it in his mouth; that way he doesn’t fracture his teeth.” 

As if in a dream, my hands removed the frayed belt from round my thin waist, and I crouched behind Levi’s shoulders. His lids fluttered open, and our eyes locked. 

“I’m going to sit behind you. You can rest your back against my chest.”

Groaning, he pulled himself up. My legs were outstretched, parallel with his own. When he pressed his bare back against me, I could feel how fast his heart was beating. I folded my belt in half and held it near Levi’s lips. He hesitated before biting down. He was shaking, but I didn’t think it was from the blood loss alone anymore, though he would never admit that. 

Head Nurse Paisley pulled the metal rod from the flames, and it glowed as bright as the fire. 

“Are you ready,” she spoke to Levi, her voice low. 

He nodded once. I repositioned my hands on either side of the belt, bracing him as much as myself. 

“I’m going to start with the worst of the wounds first.” 

With one hand, she pushed Levi’s legs a bit farther apart, readjusting his thigh so the inner wound was exposed to the flickering light. Carefully, she moved the hem of his briefs closer to his groin. 

She swallowed and laid the rod against the split flesh. 

Levi screamed over the smoking sizzle of his flesh, reflexively jerking his leg back as his teeth sunk into the leather in his mouth.

“Hanji, keep him still,” Nurse Paisley shouted. 

My calves slinked over his shins, pressing his legs into the floorboards. His hands flew up to grip my wrists, and I ignored the sting of his nails digging into my skin. The seconds stretched into hours before she pulled the rod away. Levi panted, grunting with every rise and fall of his chest.

My face was close to his cheek, the smell of linen soap and sweat filling my nose. 

“Levi,” I breathed against his ear. “Just focus on my voice.” 

His head bobbed vigorously as the Nurse prepped his other thigh. 

My toes rubbed against his leg as I wracked my brain for something to talk about. 

“Have I ever told you about why I joined the Scouts?” 

He shook his head. Pins and needles flooded my numb fingers from his white-knuckled grip. 

“When I was born --” the Nurse pressed the rod into the wound on his other leg, and he threw his head into the crook of my neck as muffled howls tore through his raw throat “-- my mother died in delivery. My father, as I got older, told me it was a bit of a curse for the women of her family to pass like that. But, he named me after her. He said that looking into my face was like looking into my mother’s.” 

Head Nurse Paisley removed the rod from Levi’s leg and placed it back into the fire. His breath was hot against my skin, his nose pressed into my vein. I felt the delicate tracings of his black lashes close.

“My dad was a really nice man -- as sharp as a whip too.” 

She took the rod from the flames, and my fists tightened around the belt as she pressed it against Levi’s side. Desperately, he threw his back into my chest.

“He was a field researcher for the Scouts, kind of like me! I guess my insanity is genetic,” I chuckled hoarsely for the man in my arms, the rise of salt burning my eyes behind my slipping glasses. “But one expedition, he didn’t come back. Commadante Shadis, who was the Commander of the Scouts at the time, labeled him as missing, which I just couldn’t accept.” 

The Nurse moved onto the other wound that had torn at his ribs. Levi thrashed his legs, but I tried to hold him still. 

“So I took matters into my own hands. I stole a shovel and started digging at the Wall of my hometown in hopes of escaping into the outside world. I wanted to find my dad and bring him back home to me because I couldn’t face being so utterly alone.” 

The smell of scorched flesh burnt my nose, and bile rose behind my teeth as she placed the rod back into the fire. I rested my cheek against the bridge of Levi’s nose, his hair tickling my lips. 

“Some members of the Garrison caught me --” 

“-- Levi, give me your arm --” the Nurse pried his fingers from my throbbing wrist.

“-- and they took me to the top of the Wall. They wanted to scare the shit out of me by showing me what titans really looked like.” 

When she finished with that arm, his fist clenched the worn fabric of my pants. Head Nurse Paisley took his other hand. 

“We’re almost done,” she told us, but I didn’t think Levi heard her.

“When I saw the waning sun on the horizon of a world I had never seen, I knew exactly what drove my dad outside of the Walls’ safety again and again, even though almost everyone he knew got eaten.” 

Head Nurse Paisley pulled the rod away from Levi’s arm and hurriedly wrapped it up in her damp rag by her feet. She stuffed it inside of her weathered leather bag, zipping it shut as I moved my aching legs off of his bruised shins. 

“I fell in love with an expansiveness I had never dreamt existed.” 

Her knees cracked as she brought herself back up to her feet, and our eyes met. 

‘Thank you,” I mouthed to her. 

She nodded and quietly left my living quarters. 

Gently, I pulled my belt from Levi’s mouth, and, with a clunk, it dropped onto the scuffed floor beside us. Even in the shadows, I saw that his teeth had sliced holes into the aged leather. 

“I wanted to see more,” I continued, my arm wrapping around Levi’s pounding chest as the other circled beneath his trembling knees. 

With a grunt, I picked him up. He whimpered through gritted teeth as I made my way into the darkness of my bedroom. 

“So, when I was old enough, I joined the Scouts.” 

My shaking arms carefully laid him on the cold sheets. He opened his bloodshot eyes, his lips slightly apart with shaky breaths. A soft smile kissed my lips. 

“I’ll let you rest.” 

I turned on my heel, but his hand, as strong as iron, caught my forearm. 

“Stay with me,” his raw voice whispered through the hushed pitch. 

The breath caught in my lungs. His hand drifted down my arm, the tips of his fingers tracing over mine as I turned around. 

“Okay,” I breathed. 

He scooched over on the creaking bed to make room for me, winces creasing his brow. I climbed in next to him and rested on my side with weak knees. 

What was this feeling inside of my stomach? 

In the blackness, our eyes met for a moment. He couldn’t stop his lids from fluttering open and closed with exhaustion. 

“Don’t fight it,” I touched his scarred shoulder. 

His eyes closed, his lashes brushing his flushed cheeks. 

And I realized the feeling was butterflies.


	7. Redolent Tea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For all of the Levi & Kuchel feels, listen to "Take me Home" by Us the Duo: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6F9SBlthD4  
> Lyrics for this song can be found in the Chapter Notes at the end of this  
> <.< I also added some new tags >.>

**Redolent: fragrant or sweet-smelling; strongly reminiscent**

  
  
  
  


**_Levi_ **

**_December 25th_ **

  
  
  


The overcast afternoon wept soft snowflakes. My red nose burrowed deeper into the warm folds of my sweater scarf, a gloved hand flipping up the collar of my coat in hopes of covering my numb ears. 

“Where the fuck are we going,” I grumbled, jamming my hands back into the depths of my pockets. 

Hanji hopped in front of me and started to walk backwards, her scuffed boots crunching the fresh snow. 

“It’s a surprise,” she practically sang, a toothy grin screwing up her ruddied cheeks. 

Wisps of snow clung to her honey lashes, her eyes bright with laughter as my thin brows lowered. Her hands brushed ice from her bangs and into the creases of her scarf. I scoffed, striding up to catch her slender wrist as she went to readjust herself. 

“What are you doing,” she mumbled, a brow raising as the distance closed between us. 

We stopped walking in the middle of the street. I paid no heed to the passing heads that turned to look at us while my cold fingers dropped her arm to unwrap the scarf from around her neck. Hanji giggled as I shook out the snow, careful to keep its delicate hem from touching the grimy cobblestones. Then I threw the thick fabric over her shivering shoulders and took a step closer to her, the front of our jackets just barely grazing as I tucked it beneath the collar of her trench coat. The tips of my fingers traced away melted snow from the muscles of her throat, and I felt the breath catch in her chest. 

Our eyes met. 

She cocked her head as I quickly looked away. I swore she saw the blush fucking creep up beneath my popped collar to my clenched jaw. She chewed on a dimpled cheek as my fumbling fingers fell from the warmth of her skin to readjust her buttons.

“Fixing your damn mess,” I scowled, trying to swallow down the kiss of pink on my face, but I didn’t move away from her, “as per fucking usual.” 

I caught her rolling her eyes before I looked down again to the freezing sludge we stood in, sliding my hands back into my pockets. 

“Thanks,” she moved to my side and linked our arms together.

We continued to walk down the street. Hanji chattered on while she guided me through town, and I was content to quietly watch the rise and fall of her soft lips give voice to lilting words. She cast warm glances my way but never pestered me to speak. 

As late light faded into the chill of twilight, people in wool mittens and fat jackets scurried back to their cozy homes, loaves of spiced nut breads and the rare treat of frosted milk jars bundled in grocery sheets against their puffed chests. 

Hanji paused, fingertips brushing her chin as her narrowed eyes peered through smudged glasses at the glow of little shops on either side of us. Grimacing, she pushed her lenses up into the snowflakes melting in her hair. She gasped. Her brows rose as she lunged forward, dragging me with her to a store front a few paces ahead of us.

“Here we are,” she chirped, her arm unlacing from the crook of mine as she gestured about the closed door. 

Keenly aware of the cold ebbing into me without her against my side, I folded my arms over my chest and shuffled my weight onto one aching leg in search of relief. Even though the lengths of my hypersensitive burns were bandaged well, the movement of my pants over their inflamed slices still irritated my sore muscles. 

Huffing, I saw no sign hung above the shop’s entrance, but its frosted windows spilled the warmth of candlelight across our close faces.

“What the fuck even is this place, Four-eyes,” I shivered, “the shitty butcher shop where you’re gonna finally off me?” 

She laughed for a moment, but the mirth fell from her wind-chapped cheeks. Her brows creased as a hand clutched at her elbow across her body. She paid careful mind to the toe of her boot kicking at the ice in between the stones beneath our feet. 

“Inside is your birthday present,” she breathed, her eyes darting up to look at me beneath lowered lashes.

My lips parted, warm breath fogging the air between us. My eyes flicked from the nerves tensing Hanji’s shoulders to the shop we stood in front of, the bubbles of soft conversation floating to our red ears from just behind the door. 

She remembered?

Hanji smiled and reached for my bicep, her fingers curling along the seam of my coat sleeve. 

“C’mon,” she muttered as she pulled me towards the door. “I’m gonna freeze to death out here!” 

She threw it open and pushed me inside. I shot Hanji a glare as the door clicked closed behind us. Her gentle hand between my shoulder blades slid down to my lower back, and the fucking kiss of pink ruddied my shitty cheeks again as my eyes darted about the room. 

The inside of the shop was furnished with golden oak, finely polished recently. Wooden chairs of all kinds were neatly placed about the parlor, creating a crescent around the crackling fireplace. My brows rose at the sight of well-kept hanging ivy that clung to the edge of the ceiling, its green as dark as night among the flicker of candlelight. A spindly man stood in the dance of shadows behind a long bar, his hands casually resting on his hips as he watched us. Hanji pressed into my back to guide me to the man, and I could almost feel the giddy smile in her fingertips. 

The shopkeeper nodded as we approached. Hanji plopped onto a barstool. I pulled out a seat for myself with my boot and slumped into it, my exhausted muscles singing a prayer of thanks for the relief. Shivering fingers pulled my cold gloves off, and I rubbed my palms into my tired eyes. Hanji clapped a hand onto my neck, her thumb absentmindedly stroking the stubble at the base of my undercut. My hands fell as I flicked a look at her with lowered brows, but she didn’t pull away for another breath of a moment. 

The thin man behind the bar cleared his throat as he came to stand before us, his hands nervously readjusting his white collar. My jaw dropped when I noticed what was behind him: carefully dusted shelves of tea tins that rose to scrape the ceiling. 

“What can I get started for you two tonight,” the man quietly chuckled at my wide eyes. 

Hanji turned to me, a wild grin dimpling her cheeks. 

“Get whatever you like, birthday boy,” she winked. 

The last traces of periwinkle twilight surrendered to a moonless evening while Hanji and I sampled the sweetness of teas I never dreamt could exist. Black earls with dried orange shavings were dusted with the warmth of cinnamon. My lavender lids fluttered closed with my first sip of a jasmine, the lip of my porcelain cup so warm in my fingertips while Hanji and Sam -- the tea shopkeeper -- quietly chittered about tea cultivation and the collapse of an entire industry since the destruction of Wall Maria. 

As each cup warmed my chest, for the first time since June, I felt at home in my old bones with my best friend in the seat beside me. 

My gray eyes glanced at Hanji, her head thrown back with laughter. Her loose ponytail spilled chocolate across her slender shoulders, and that’s when I noticed them: freckles, an entire constellation twinkling against the canvas of her tan skin. They dusted the pleasant apples of her cheeks, the point of her chin, the ripples of her neck as she spoke. They traced her collar bones and disappeared beneath the folds of her trench coat. My fingers itched to flick her wrinkled lapel from the hollow of her throat and let my lips taste --

I fucking choked on my tea, spluttering a half-drunk mouthful all over my poor scarf. Hanji whipped around to face me as coughs shook my frame. Sam produced a handkerchief for me, and, apologizing profusely, I dabbed at myself with it. Hanji’s hand gripped my shoulder, but I refused to meet her gaze, my stomach in knots that she might recognize the redness on my cheeks as not from being wind-chapped like hers. 

“You good, Smalls,” she cocked her head. 

Nodding vigorously, I handed Sam his soiled handkerchief back. My trembling fingers ran through my hair, my bangs falling back into my face as my nails scratched at my undercut. 

Where the _fuck_ had a thought like that even come from? 

She worried her lip. 

“Do you want to get going?” 

I dared to look at her. My fingers shook with the strength of my grip on the cup in my hand as I brought it to my lips for another sip. 

No, I didn’t want this moment to become nothing more than a memory, someday to be faded round its edges as years aged my mind, like the sweetheart lines of my mother’s ever-youthful face that I couldn’t quite remember the details of anymore.

“Yes,” I lied through my teeth as Hanji returned her attention to Sam. 

“Sir,” he turned to me. 

He rested his forearms on the bar between us and leaned in. 

“Which tea was your favorite?” 

I scooted back in my seat, weary of our closeness. 

“The jasmine.” 

He nodded and moved to the shelves behind the bar, his weathered hands rearranging dented metal tins. At the very back, his fingers paused on a thin yellow box before he pulled it out. He came forward to me as he carefully pried the lid off to reveal a blend of dried lemon and orange shavings mixed with pale petals. 

“Smell this,” Sam held the tin out between us. 

I hesitated a moment, but Hanji went forward. I followed her lead, and we breathed in the tea before us, the lines of our cold ears brushing against each other. 

“What do you think,” he asked me as I pulled back, Hanji happily humming on her stool. 

“It smells like paradise,” I mumbled, eyeing the tin. 

“It’s a blend my old woman made,” Sam smiled. “She hand-plucked the pink jasmine from the hedges in our yard, and she even went out of her way to zest the fruit in this too.”

He lidded the tea and set the tin on the edge of the bar in front of me. 

“Please do me the honor of accepting this gift, Captain,” the hazel of Sam’s eyes flicked to Hanji before holding mine. 

My breath caught. Hanji stilled beside me. 

He recognized us as Scouts?

Tentatively, I picked up the tin and nodded, my throat suddenly thick. I unbuttoned my coat, sliding the tea into my inner breast pocket. Hanji fumbled with the worn wallet in her coat pocket, but the shopkeeper held up his hands before she could take it out, shaking his head. 

“There’s no need for that tonight,” he looked pointedly at her.

Hanji hesitated before her arms relaxed at her sides.

“Thank you, Sam,” she murmured as she stood from her seat.

My feet followed her lead. Sam’s hands rested on his narrow hips again, a crooked smile tugging at the corner of his thin lips while I slipped my gloves back on. As Hanji led us out of the tea shop, I looked at Sam over my shoulder. He laid a flat hand over his heart, and, when our eyes met, his fingers curled into a fist before his arm dropped back down to his waist. 

The door creaked open, and Hanji and I were plunged into the chill of a winter night. My hands jammed into the depths of my coat pockets, and she laced her arm with mine as our boots crunched the snow back to the bulwark. 

The empty hallways were quiet, the intervals of candlelight casting long shadows about the cold walls. As our boots tracked icy sludge onto the elegant rugs, I found myself leaning into Hanji for support, every muscle in my legs screaming against each step my feet took. Hanji draped an arm over my shoulders while my hand slid around her wide hips. 

She bore almost all of my weight by the time we reached the frosted staircase that led to her living quarters. Panting, I pressed my shoulder blades into the stairwell as Hanji hiked up her pants before crouching low for me to get onto her back. Grumbling, but not so begrudgingly, I slinked my legs around her waist, her hands hooking beneath my aching knees as she brought herself back up. My nose unabashedly burrowed into the folds of her warm scarf, soft tendrils of her hair tickling my ear with each jostling movement. 

I let myself relax against her back as she kicked open the door of the third floor hallway, and, when we reached her living quarters, she set me down while she rifled through her bra for the key. Swinging the door open, she gestured for me to go in before her. 

Caught beneath the door crack was an envelope, and my body protested as I bent down to pick it up. My fingers flipped it over. Its front had the careful scrawl of Moblit’s handwriting, the ink of Hanji’s name smeared on one edge. As Hanji sauntered into the front room after locking the door behind herself, she sat down to unlace her boots. My ass hit the ground hard beside her as I smacked her face with the letter. 

“This was under the door.” 

Rolling her eyes, she plucked it from me. With a grunt, I yanked my boots off, dying a little inside as black snow melted on my hands. Huffing, I wiped my fingers on my pants and brought myself back onto my feet. My socks padded to the couch. I slid over the armrest, my head lying on the middle cushion. 

Hanji tucked the letter into her back pocket as she made her way over to the fireplace, and her tired hands lit a fire for us. When she was satisfied the flames were licking and lapping over enough logs, she brushed her hands free of splinters before she turned on her heel to hop over the coffee table. My ass wiggled farther down the couch as she fell into the seat by my head. 

“Fuck,” she hissed as she moved her hips a bit to reach around herself. 

She pulled the envelope from her back pocket. It was a bit crumpled, but her fingers tried to work the creases out as best she could over her knee. Then, she plopped her feet onto the edge of the table before us. 

My eyes closed, the warmth of the crackling fire ebbing into my cold cheeks. Some time passed, just the two of us enjoying each other’s quiet company as my mind faded in and out on the edge of sleep. 

My ears pricked at the sound of rustling from Hanji’s sweater. 

“Levi,” she whispered.

She delicately laid her hand against my chest as my eyes fluttered open. Groggily rolling my shoulders, I scooted my head into her lap, and her brown eyes peered down at me through smudged lenses. 

“What the fuck do you want, Shitty-glasses?”

Teeth worried her lip. 

“I need to show you something,” she raised the opened envelope into my line of sight. 

I blinked at her, my brows lowering. 

“Okay,” my face screwed up as she handed it to me. 

Yawning, my fingers pulled the paper from the envelope, but I was surprised to find it wasn’t a letter like I had suspected. The paper was folded into three sections. I unfurled it, and my lungs froze. 

Lidded eyes, so much like my own, looked back at me, deep set in the inky lines of a sweetheart face. Sharp cheekbones still had the taste of blush on their apples. A soft smile dimpled her left cheek, just like mine. Tendrils of raven hair spilled over her thin shoulders, the ends gently curling about the lavender lace of her gown. 

A tremble ran up the paper’s portrait from my numb fingers as I stared into the face of my mother. 

“How,” I tried to breathe, my lips unable to make words. 

“Do you know why I came back to the training grounds that night,” Hanji cleared her throat, her fingers fiddling with the collar of my shirt. 

My eyes flicked up to her face before falling back to Moblit’s drawing.

“I was almost inside of the bulwark,” a tremor ran up her leg, “when I heard a voice telling me to go back. I was totally alone, and I know -- _I know_ \-- it sounds impossible.”

Her breath hitched. 

“But I went to you anyway.” 

She was quiet for a moment.

“I went to visit you in the Infirmary. One time I fell asleep in the chair beside your bed. I dreamt I was back at the back courtyard, and a woman I’d never seen before thanked me for saving her son.” 

_Through the white blurriness, I saw the shiver of warm candlelight. Sharp pain bloomed along the deep slashes of my body, and my fluttering lavender lids struggled against my will to keep conscious._

_But I did not need to see to know_ she _was there with me._

_The softness of her hand cupped my cold cheek, and her gentle thumb wiped away a fallen tear. Tendrils of her raven hair delicately brushed against my collar bone and throat as she bent over me to press her pale pink lips to my forehead._

_I could smell the memory of her finest perfume against her breast as she whispered into my ear._

_“It’s not your time yet, baby.”_

_The last thing I felt were her fingertips tracing over my cheekbone as the blackness overwhelmed my broken mind, and consciousness fled from me._

Salt burned my eyes with the memory of her, but I tried to blink the rise of emotions away. 

“Her name,” my voice caught in my throat, “was Kuchel.” 

Hanji stilled beneath me. 

“She was my mother.” 

“Levi, I --” she hiccupped, “-- I had no idea --” 

My hands clutched the paper to my chest as I rolled onto my side. My forehead pressed against Hanji’s stomach, and I could hear her heart pounding through her ribs like a caged bird.

“Shut up,” I growled. 

Her hand moved from my chest to rest on my shaking shoulder. A tear traced over the rise and fall of my cheek, down the length of my jaw. 

“Thank you,” my eyes closed. 

I breathed in the smell of Hanji’s clothes. 

“You have no idea,” a sob choked my raspy voice, “what this means to me.” 

Her fingers stroked my hair, and I let her comfort me as I cried against her, my very being aching for my mother. 

“Happy birthday, Levi,” Hanji whispered, her fingers rubbing my nape. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics of "Take me Home" by Us the Duo:
> 
> I'm only happy when I'm with you  
> Home for me is where you are.  
> I try to smile and push on through.  
> But home for me is where you are.  
> They tell me that I'll make it.  
> It'll only be a while.  
> But a while lasts forever  
> Without you...  
> Send out the alarms  
> I'm all alone  
> Wrap me in your arms  
> Take me home  
> Take me home  
> To your arms...  
> I won't be happy 'till I'm with you  
> Home for me is where you are.  
> These four walls are nothing without you.  
> Home for me is where you are.  
> They tell me that I'll make it.  
> It'll only be a while.  
> But a while lasts forever  
> Without you...  
> Send out the alarms  
> I'm all alone  
> Wrap me in your arms  
> Take me home  
> Take me home  
> To your arms...


	8. Mamihlapinatapai

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please enjoy some much needed fluff after *peeks at calendar* 4ish months. . .  
> P.S., this chapter has manga spoilers.

**_Mamihlapinatapai (Yagan)_ **

**_The wordless look between 2 people who both desire something, yet are equally reluctant to initiate_ **

  
  
  


**_Levi_ **

  
  


_There were flashes of color and faces I did not recognize. The smell of dry gunpowder in old barrels burned my nose, but the air -- the wind that billowed across my bandaged face -- burned hotter still._

_Strapping into my harness felt like coming home. I eased my way down onto a crate. The kids, Mikasa, Connie, Armin, Jean -- wait, where were Eren and Sasha? -- stood beside me. Their wide eyes darted all about the. . ._

_Fuck, the word slipped my mind._

_. . . The_ place _we hid at, but they avoided looking at me._

_There was shouting. Gulls squawked and took off for the clear horizon: the blue opposite of the smoke that consumed all that my eye could see. My stomach dropped, nerves suddenly alight._

_What the fuck was going on?_

_“Captain,” Mikasa turned towards me._

_Armin’s gaze flicked between us. Her hands were white with how tightly she gripped her ODM blade handles._

_“Are you sure you can do this,” she asked quietly._

_The kids dared to look at me while I watched my shaking hand rise. Well, what was left of it, at least. I clutched my own blade handle before my chest._

_“Three fingers are enough,” my lips growled, but that voice didn’t sound like mine anymore._

_My thin brows shot up into my hairline. My skin pulled taut against stitches beneath fresh bandages that covered half of my face and all of my forehead. It was me, with a mangled hand and bloodied nubs where fingers used to be, but how could_ this _be me?_

_Why couldn’t I remember anything?_

_Mikasa nodded once. Armin swallowed. Jean shook his head, long bangs falling into his downturned face. Connie said nothing and looked away._

_There was shouting, guttural and frantic. I couldn’t tell what they screamed all around us, but I heard fast bootsteps charging towards our group. I looked up from my hands, and my jaw dropped. Hanji rushed forward. Her brows knitted together, shoulders tense with fear. An eyepatch covered one of her eyes beneath her smudged goggles. When had she started wearing that? She paid me no heed as she talked fast, hands flitting all about as she spoke, but I didn’t understand what she said. Her drawn ODM blades rang out. Her back faced me._

_“Hanji,” I barked, flying to my feet._

_My weak knees nearly buckled beneath my weight. Pain laced through my bones, as if the dull ache after my suicide attempt had never really left my muscles. Hanji looked at me over her shoulder as I put my blade handles back in their holsters and limped to her._

_“Where the fuck do you think you’re going, Four Eyes,” I hissed._

_She smiled at me, sad and sweet._

_“Levi,” she chuckled. Then she met my glare with a red-rimmed eye. “Please don’t try to stop me.”_

_‘W-what are you talking about,’ I tried to ask her, but my body wouldn’t move._

_“I really want to look cool when I go out, like in a blaze of glory and all that,” her voice cracked._

_‘Don’t do this,’ I silently screamed at her._

_My mouth didn’t listen. I took a step closer to her and thumped my fist against the center of her chest. Beneath my knuckles, I felt the blood rushing through her veins, and everything inside of me knew this would be the last time I’d ever know the life inside of her._

_“Dedicate your heart,” I croaked._

_Her bottom lip quivered, and she sucked it into her mouth before beaming at me. Then, laughter bubbled from her like the goodbye she couldn’t bring herself to speak. Her loose hair danced across her scarred cheeks and nape. As she took a step back, my fist slipped down her clean buttons and fell to my side._

_A grappling hook shot off from her hip._

_‘Please, don’t leave me,’ my very soul pleaded with her._

_And then, in more soundless flashes of color and light and faces, she was gone. I found myself in a hollow metal tube, sitting against a wall. Through my boots, I felt we were flying in the air, and I knew that I had once known the word for the machine I was in. But it was lost on the tip of my tongue._

_The wailing and shrieked gasps barely reached my ears anymore. I rested my back against the metal. The edge of a cold window jutted into my shoulder, so I moved forward a bit. My forearms laid against the tops of my thighs, and I noticed a window across from me._

_All around me, it was the kids who were crying, a keening so deep I felt it in my yellowed marrow._

_Through the window, I, too, saw it: a shoreline of crimson Colossal titans._

_And I knew where Hanji was._

_Violence tore through my chest, hot and vile and desperate. My throat was shredded with the need for it. No, with the need for_ Hanji. 

_My tongue began to move of its own accord._

_“Watch over --”_

  
  


“NO,” I bellowed.

Sweat soaked sheets wrapped themselves around my thighs, claiming me for the damp mattress. The comforter threatened to suffocate my raw lungs as I sucked in another shaky breath, and I screamed her name. My arms thrashed, and my legs kicked until I was freed. As I threw the last blanket off of my back, the force of my wild strength pushed me over the edge of the bed, and I thudded onto the ground. The wind was knocked out of me. I took a moment to try to force air back into my chest. Blinking in the darkness, I sat up. 

Hanji’s bedroom was empty and quiet, save for my ragged gulps. The familiar mess of strewn-about uniforms and broken books slowly came to me. The drapes were drawn, but dim candlelight seeped through the door’s cracks. I nodded to myself that I needed _out._

No, I needed _her._

“Hanji,” I yelled again as I scrambled to my feet. 

My skin pulled against my cauterization scars, but the pain didn’t stop me from jogging to the door. I grabbed the knob and twisted every which way. It refused to budge. My fingers (all five of them -- thank the Walls) felt around its surface for the lock. However, I quickly realized that the door had been locked from the outside. 

“What the fuck, Shitty Glasses?” 

I tried to swallow the fear that made bile rise up the back of my throat while I kept jimmying the knob. 

“Hanji, I fucking _need_ you dammit.” 

My fist banged against the door, but the gut-wrenching nightmare had worn my patience too thin. I sucked in a breath and took a step back. Then, with all of the strength my broken muscles could muster, I grunted and kicked the door. Its old hinges whined, and their rusted nails were ripped from the frame. The door, snapped in half, crashed against the back of the couch before crumpling to the floor. Dust and thin wood chips flew about the room.

When my eyes adjusted, my brows furrowed at the state of the front room. Books and reports and other little trinkets were scattered about the couch and coffee table. The bookshelf that was normally flush against the wall had been pulled out to reveal a waist-high metal door. Steady thumping rattled the wall while I stood in the doorway, panting. 

Then the metal door flew open, and out popped Hanji. 

  
  


**_Hanji_ **

  
  


It was a scream that jolted me awake from the depths of my lab. My chin slipped from where it rested in my palm, and my face slammed against the table. Grumbling to myself for letting another candle burn down to the wick, I craned my neck around the pitch black room as my ears strained to listen to the eerie silence. I jumped when I heard it again: my name howled through my living quarters. 

“Oh no,” I cried out, my stomach sinking to my toes. 

There was a crashing sound that vibrated the floors, and I flew to my feet. Not caring to secure any of my work away in their hiding places, I crawled through the narrow hallway and pushed through the metal door that led to the front room. My knees scraped against its sharp frame as I tumbled out. 

Straightening quickly, I brushed the dirt and wrinkles from my tank top and night shorts before looking around the dimly lit room. Everything looked the same, minus my bedroom door splintered and resting on the fucking floor. My heart beat so hard in my chest I felt it in my fingers as I searched the shadows for Levi. 

As pale as death, he stood in my bedroom doorway, shoulders heaving. 

“Levi,” I breathed, hesitantly taking a step past the couch. “What happened?” 

Lines of worry were etched into his face, pinching his thin lips white. 

“I,” his voice, husky and deep and raw, broke. “I need you.” 

Carefully stepping around the door, I crossed the distance between us. As soon as I was in his reach, he grabbed my shirt strap and yanked me against him. His arms circled my back, crushing me in a death grip. Coughing, my hands slid up and down his shaking back nervously while he buried his face into my neck. My chin rested on his shoulder. 

“What is it? What’s wrong?” 

My hands paused. His arms slackened, but, tenderly, he still held me. 

“I just. . .” 

He sighed, his breath hot against my skin. 

“I thought I lost you.” 

A blush threatened to kiss up my throat, so I busied myself with rubbing his back again. 

“Well I’m here.” My cheek pressed against his ear. “And I’m not going anywhere, okay?”

He nodded. His hair bunched against me, and we stayed like that for so long my calves ached. 

“Let me tuck you back into bed,” I said against the stubble of his undercut, breaking the silence. 

His Adam's apple scraped my collar bone when he swallowed. My hands slid down his sides. As he let me go, my fingertips traced the veins on the underside of his arm and over his calloused palm. Then, his fingers twined with mine, and we disappeared into the bedroom’s darkness together. 

We picked up the sheets and blanket, and he helped me throw them over the bare mattress. The delicate sounds of the comforter whispered between us. I pulled a corner of the covers back from Levi’s pillow. His hand shot out and grabbed my wrist. Even in the hush of blackness, our eyes met. 

“Stay with me tonight.” 

  
  


**_Levi_ **

  
  


Her hair was down, and it was one of the few times I had been lucky enough to see it kiss her bare shoulders. The hand of the wrist I held graced over my knuckles. 

“Okay.” 

Slowly, my fingers relaxed and let go. My body protested as I lowered myself onto the creaky bed, crawling under the scratchy blankets. My head rested against the pillow while Hanji slipped her glasses off, and, with a soft clack, she placed them on the nightstand. Then I lifted the sheets up for her, and she slid in beside me. I took a deep breath to calm myself while she settled in. I couldn’t stop myself from moving closer to her, pushing my legs between hers; she felt so warm. 

Her head sought my chest instead of the pillow, and she pressed her cheek into the crook of my shoulder as my arm moved beneath her neck to cradle her against me. My hand traveled up and down her side, squeezing her hip every now and again. I nuzzled my face into her crown. As she sighed, her lids fluttered closed. Her lashes tickled me, and we did nothing but breathe for a long time. 

“Did you have a bad dream,” she mumbled into my skin. 

I nodded and held her closer. Her arm draped over my ribs, her fingers rubbing patterns on my night shirt. 

“I let you go, and you. . .” I swallowed. “You died.” 

Her hand traveled up my back to gently scratch my undercut. Contentedly, I hummed. She stopped and started a few times before finally finding rest in my arms. And it was in that very moment, as I breathed in the salt and brine of her, I realized, completely and irrevocably, I had fallen in love with Hanji 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this has taken so long to post! I won't abandon this story, but chapter updates will continue to be slow. However, I do plan on writing shorter chapters (around this length) so that I can post more often! Please forgive me!


	9. The Beginning of the End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit's about to get real.

**_The same night_ **

**_Hanji_ **

  
  


A finger poked my shoulder. Groggily, my eyes opened, and I saw that my bedroom was still dark. Across the bed, Levi’s back was towards me with the covers pulled over his head, tufts of his hair poking out. The finger poked me again, and, groaning, I rolled onto my back as I rubbed my face. Standing above me, I blinked Moblit’s silhouette into clarity. My brows furrowed, and he pressed a finger to his lips to keep me quiet, his gaze flicking from Levi to me again. He jerked his chin towards the front room, and, nodding, I carefully threw my legs over the edge of the bed. Moblit left the room with me right on his tail. 

“How the hell did you get in here,” I whispered, my arms crossed over my chest. With a scowl darkening my face, I surveyed the disarray of the room and the exposed entrance of my lab. How could I be so careless as to leave my greatest secret vulnerable like that? 

“The Commander gave me a spare key. He didn’t want to chance Levi waking up from me knocking on the door.”

I nodded, and Moblit pressed on. 

“The Commander is requesting you attend a meeting immediately.” 

“Oh.” My arms fell to my sides. “Right now, in the middle of the night?” 

“Yeah.” Moblit scratched the back of his head. “It has to do with the last expedition.” 

My brows shot up, giddiness bubbling in my stomach. 

“OK. Let me get some clothes on, and we can go. In the meantime,” I grinned sheepishly, gesturing about the couch, “could you help me put this all back?” 

“Uh sure,” Moblit looked around the room and tapped the destroyed bedroom door with his shoe, “but what even happened in here?” 

I stifled a laugh. 

“No need to worry, my friend. Everything’s fine.” 

After quietly throwing on a pair of military-issued white pants and my yellow button down, I returned to the front room while shoving my arms into my Scouts trench coat. Moblit set the bookshelf back in front of my lab entrance, and he put my reports and books back on the shelves as I laced up my boots. My research journal and Mr. Smith’s diary were safely hidden away in my lab. Still, as Moblit and I left my living quarters, unease crept up my spine to leave them behind. 

But moreso, guilt twinged my heart for not staying with Levi through the night like he asked me to while pulling me into his arms. Undeniably, something had changed between us while we held each other between my sheets. Unspoken words were whispered between our hushed breaths, and, more than anything else, I unabashedly wanted to taste the secrets on his lips. 

Moblit and I traveled through the halls by the few still lit torches and moonlight. The echo of our footsteps were the only sounds in HQ at the late hour. We came upon Erwin’s office and entered without knocking. The Commander sat at his desk, his chin resting on his clasped hands. Lining the wall were Eren and two of his friends. Candlelight cast everyone’s faces in shadows. Moblit closed the door behind us. 

“Thank you for joining us, Section Commander,” Erwin’s hands moved to his desk as he nodded. 

Moblit and I moved against the wall opposite of the kids. 

“Tonight, we shall discuss the identity of the Female Titan, and tomorrow, we will launch a mission to capture her.” 

  
  
  


**_Levi_ **

  
  


“Captain,” Moblit shouted, racing into Hanji’s bedroom. 

A crack of lightning flashed through the room, bright enough to render the drawn drapes useless. The walls shook with its power, and I shot up in bed, suddenly very awake as I threw the covers off of myself. Moblit clung to the ruined doorframe, face pale. Sweat traced down his temple. My brows furrowed. 

“What the fuck is going on?” I got to my feet, a deep ache in my muscles already setting in from jolting forward. “Why the hell are you here?” 

“Section Commander Hanji was called by the Commander to lead the capture of the Female Titan --” 

“-- Holy shit --” 

“-- Section Commander placed me in charge of you in the meantime, but we’ve got a problem, Captain.” Moblit’s knuckles were white. “Wall Rose has been breached, and HQ is about to be overrun by titans.” 

“You’ve gotta be shitting me.” My eyes widened, jaw slack. 

“I have ODM gear for you, sir.” Moblit went into the front room. “There’s a spare uniform for you as well.” 

“Fuck.” I sprinted after him, careful to avoid the ruined bedroom door and wood chips all over the floor as I wiped the sleep from my eyes. “If HQ is overrun, then there’s no time to change.”

While I threw on a pair of shoes and secured my harness over my pajamas, we heard screams down the hallway. 

“Give me a run down of what’s going on again.” Moblit drew his blades, and I followed suit, one sword readied in my reverse grip. 

We stood in front of the door. I gripped the knob, ready to throw it open. I felt the adrenaline in my fingertips. Approaching titan steps shook the room. 

“While Section Commander Hanji and the Commander were launching their attack against the Female Titan in a town in Wall Sina, Wall Rose was attacked by the Colossal and Armored Titans. It’s been summarily flooded with titans, and I don’t know if their plan was even successful at this point.” 

Grunting, I nodded. 

“If there are titans this far inside of Wall Rose already, then it’s only a matter of time before it’s declared a lost cause. I’m going to investigate the breach, offer my services to the front line there. You,” I gestured with my sword at Moblit, “find Hanji, and keep her out of trouble. Got it?” 

“Yes sir.” Moblit worried his lip. “Are you sure you can fight, though? It’s been a long time since you trained with gear, and -- and this is exactly what Section Commander wanted me to keep you from  _ doing in the first place _ !” 

“I’ll be fine.” I scowled and faced the door, lying. My body was not the same as it was before I had tried to kill myself, but I had to trust in what little strength I had left; there was nothing else I could do. 

“You ready Moblit?” 

The door flung open. Scouts, the ones who must have been unable to participate in Erwin’s plans, ran down the hallway, bloodied blades drawn. Steam billowed after them. Lumbering up the spiral staircase, a titan grinned at us with putrid teeth. Another stumbled from out of someone’s living quarters. Entrails clung to its lips, dribbled down its gullet and chest. 

Moblit entered the hallway just behind me as the titan lunged towards us.

“Captain,” he yelled after me. 

I spun, slashing its outstretched arms as I closed in on it. Its severed limbs thumped as they hit the floor. My foot smashed into its chest, and it tumbled backwards into the spiral stairwell. Turning around, I grabbed Moblit’s shoulder and shoved him forward. 

“We need to get to the roof with the others.” 

From the Officers’ Hall, where my and Hanji’s rooms were located, there was only one way to get to the roof without going ground level: a staircase that led to a massive room where expedition supplies were kept. Since the stairwell was too narrow for ODM use, Moblit and I raced up the stairs four at once. There was no time to peer out of the cell windows to evaluate our situation, but the moving shadows that followed our every movement told us it was dire. At the top of the stairs, the double doors were shut. Behind us, a titan growled low as it slowly made its way up to us. I pushed at the door, but it didn’t budge. There were screams behind its old wood. 

“This is Captain Levi. Open the fucking door.” I slammed my fist against it. “I know you shitheads are in there.” 

“C-captain,” Moblit whimpered. As I turned to face him, I heard his blades rattling in his grip. 

The titan was only a few meters away from us. It crouched low, owlishly observing its prey. Reaching forward, I yanked Moblit back and took a step closer to the titan. 

“Get those brats to open the door. I’ll take care of this guy.” 

Teeth barred and hissing, the titan pounced. My blade sliced through its arm and stuck in its shoulder while the other hacked its opposite arm off at the elbow. Steaming blood drenched me, burning. Behind me, one of the doors groaned open on old hinges. From within, people sobbed. I heard gas canisters clicking into place. 

“You need to let us Commanding Officers into this room immediately,” Moblit said calmly. 

Screeching, the titan’s jaws snapped close to my chest right before I spun to its side. It fell and smashed its face against the stairs, marble crumbling beneath its weight as I cut through one of its knees before turning on its nape. 

“Yes sir. Of course, sir,” a voice wavered from the doorway. 

In a flurry of embers and smoke, the titan began to dissipate. My forearm swiped across my brow, clearing titan blood and sweat away. Moblit and I hurried inside of the room. Everything was in disarray. Overturned tables barricaded windows. Scouts pressed their backs and shoulders into them to hold up against curious titan fingers. Papers, office supplies, and ODM equipment were thrown about the room. Other kids tried to put on their ODM gear with shaking hands, eyes bloodshot and faces damp. Some Scouts silently stood around the room, frozen while they watched titans try to pry HQ open like a can of fish. 

“Hey,” I barked. “Listen up, kiddos.” 

One by one, heads turned to look at me. Moblit stood awkwardly at my side, face surprisingly stoic. 

“We need to get to the roof --” 

“-- We can’t. Titans are crawling all over the building. There’s too many of them!” 

“Shut the hell up,” I snarled at the hysterical little girl who yelled at me from across the room. “This is what we’re going to do. If we all go at once, we’ll die, so we’re going to split off into three teams of around seven people. I will go out first to thin their numbers. On my signal, team one will come out from the window I leave from. Team two and three will also come out on my signal after a period of time. Assistant Section Commander, Moblit,” I jerked my thumb at him, “will be in charge of all three teams and will come out with team two. Any questions?” 

A few furrowed brows turned towards me. 

“What makes you think you can even get out of this room alive, let alone take on more than eleven titans on your own?” 

“I’m Captain Levi,” I shrugged. 

Kids gawked as I, without a second of hesitation, strode towards the window closest to me. 

“Drop the table, and get out of the way.” 

The Scouts were quick to follow my command. As soon as the door fell, I rushed to the window, and fingers shattered the glass. The titan caught sight of me, and I let out enough gas to blind its view as I dodged its hand. It crashed its head into the side of the building, its cheek scraping against the splintering floor. Wood and marble exploded all over the room. Shooting off my grappling hooks, I leapt over its head and flew through the opening it created. My hooks sunk into its shoulder as I spun up before slicing through its nape. Then all of the titans attacked. 

My scars and stiff muscles shrieked in protest while I flew, hacking and cutting through wave after wave of titan limbs. But there was no time to worry about the pain as I gave the signal for team one and later team two and three to join the battle. All around me, kids were torn to pieces, blood and viscera painting the building sides and the cobblestone street below us sickly crimson. 

In a matter of minutes, HQ was secured. Five Scouts landed on the roof tiles beside Moblit and myself. Panting, I held every set of eyes and nodded once. 

“Now is not the time to mourn.” I stood, surveying the town around us. Titans lumbered through the streets, scaled buildings, crawled over roofs in search of the innocent. It made my empty stomach churn. 

“Your first priority is to aid in the civilian evacuation from Wall Rose into Wall Sina. Assistant Section Commander Moblit will lead your squad there before breaking off to complete a different task we’ve already discussed.” I turned on my heel to face them again. “Is that understood?” 

A few nodded. 

“Where will you go, sir?” 

“I’m going to help out at the breach.” 

As I shot my grappling hooks into the building across from HQ, all I could do was hope Hanji was still alive. 


End file.
